Is there a science to love? By Kim Bartholdi
Clinical Psychologist
Is there a science to love?
By Kim Bartholdi
Find out the precise science to love and attachment in relationship with Clinical Psychologist Kim Bartholdi.
The short answer is yes! There is a science to love… and one that is almost as precise as maths or physics.
It is called attachment theory and in the last decades it has been the focus of much research.
In my clinical practice, I have encountered many people who are either single and have difficulties finding a partner, or are in unhappy relationships. I can’t keep but wonder whether having an understanding of adult attachment theory would help them find and sustain happier relationships.
What is attachment theory?
Attachment theory was developed by psychologist John Bowlby and it explores the impact of early relationships on human development and behaviour. The theory suggests that the quality of the bond between a child and their primary caregiver (usually a parent figure), shapes the child's emotional and social development which later on shapes the way in which the child will attach or bond with others throughout their life.
In other words, attachment theory proposes that early attachment experiences influence later relationships and emotional well-being.
According to attachment theory, there are three main attachment styles and these determine the way people behave in relationships. And as you may know, the way we behave in relationships will predict how successful the relationship is. These three attachment styles are: anxious, avoidant and secure.
Adult attachment styles impact relationship dynamics, communication patterns, and emotional regulation. Understanding one's attachment style can lead to healthier relationships through increased self-awareness and effective communication strategies.
It can be helpful knowing what attachment style you have so I will explain each of them in the following paragraphs.
Anxious attachment style:
The anxious attachment style is characterized by a fear of abandonment, a strong need for reassurance, and a sense of discomfort with too much independence in all types of relationships. Individuals with an anxious attachment style may feel insecure and are often preoccupied with their relationship. They often doubt that their partners love them truly and are worried about rejection and, can often behave clingy with romantic partners.
Individuals with an anxious attachment style can present symptoms of low self-esteem, a strong fear of rejection or abandonment and a tendency to seek constant reassurance.
Avoidant attachment style:
The avoidant attachment style is characterized by a strong desire for independence and emotional distance in relationships. Individuals with an avoidant attachment style have difficulty with intimacy, and a fear of being dependent on others. They commonly prioritize self-reliance, have difficulty expressing emotions, and may struggle with commitment in relationships which can lead them to have several short-term relationships.
It is common for individuals with an avoidant attachment style to have a fear of closeness, reluctance to open up emotionally, discomfort with emotional expressions, and a tendency to withdraw when feeling overwhelmed or vulnerable. They may appear self-sufficient on the surface but may struggle with forming deep emotional connections. They may have a tendency to dismiss emotions or downplay the importance of relationships in their lives.
Secure attachment style:
A secure attachment style refers to a healthy and balanced way of forming and maintaining relationships with others, whether romantic or platonic. Individuals with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and closeness as well as with independence. Securely attached people are able to trust others, communicate their needs effectively, and are generally able to navigate relationships in a positive manner. This attachment style is often associated with feelings of safety, support, and emotional well-being in relationships.
Securely attached individuals tend to have healthier relationships due to having better emotional regulation.
How are attachment styles developed?
As you may have gathered by now, attachment styles develop in early childhood due to the bond we managed to create with our primary caregivers. But let’s look at each style separately.
The avoidant attachment style often originates from unpredictable or insensitive parenting in childhood. Factors that may contribute to the development of this attachment style include caregivers who were emotionally unavailable, dismissive of feelings, or overly critical, as well as experiences of neglect, or inconsistent caregiving in childhood.
Factors that may contribute to the development of an anxious attachment style include emotionally distant caregivers, inconsistent parenting, early separation from parents as well as neglect and trauma experiences in childhood.
A secure attachment is developed when the child experienced a strong bond with the caregiver, leading to feelings of safety and trust in relationships.
Based on the explanation of the different attachment styles, have you been able to identify your own attachment style? Maybe also your partner’s one? If you have and have found that you have an either avoidant or anxious attachment style, you might be wondering what now?
What to do with my attachment style?
You might have been able to already identify your attachment style, but if not, reflecting on past relationships, patterns of behaviour in relationships, and reactions to certain situations can provide insight into one's attachment style. Similarly, there are also various attachment style quizzes and assessments available online that can help individuals identify their predominant attachment style. Furthermore, utilizing counselling or psychotherapy to explore your attachment style more in depth can be invaluable.
If you have an anxious attachment style, attending counselling or psychotherapy, learning communication skills, building relationships with securely attached individuals, and understanding boundaries are some strategies that can help individuals to manage and heal from their attachment issues.
Similarly, if you have an avoidant attachment style, attending counselling or psychotherapy, self-reflection, practicing vulnerability, and building trust in relationships are important steps for individuals to develop more secure attachment patterns and form healthier connections with others. Overcoming an avoidant attachment style often involves learning to balance independence with intimacy and understanding the importance of emotional closeness in relationships.
Even securely attached individuals can struggle with intimacy or trust issues or other childhood wounds. Here too, counselling or psychotherapy can be of help.
Attachment theory highlights the importance of early relationships in shaping our emotional and social development. By understanding our attachment style, we can gain insight into our relationship patterns and work towards building healthier connections with others.
With self-awareness and effort, it is possible for individuals to develop more secure attachment patterns and have healthy and sustainable relationships.
Attachment styles can evolve and change over time based on new experiences and personal growth and therapy can help you in this process.