6 Common Struggles of New Parents and How to Cope with Them
by Anne Ueberbach
Counsellor
6 Common Struggles of New Parents and How to Cope with Them
Congrats - you have fulfilled your dream of becoming parents! In the months (probably even years) leading up to it you most likely have heard endless stories about how rewarding and magical parenthood is. However now that your newborn is here, you may struggle to find any magic amidst all the sleep deprivation, endless cries, and breasts that lactate with a mind of their own.
The truth is, while parenthood can be rewarding, it is also a lot of hard work. Admitting that you are struggling is nothing to be ashamed of and is a feeling shared by most first-time parents.
Sleep Deprivation
The first, and probably most immediate struggle new parents are faced with is sleep deprivation. Taking care of an infant is extremely demanding – 2-hourly feeding schedule, nappy changes & soothing back to sleep can be quite time consuming and interfere with your need for a good night’s sleep. The usual 8-hours sleep gets chopped into segments of 1-2 hours (2-4 hours if you are really lucky) in the first few months of having a newborn. Catching up on sleep appears like a race you can never finish, which impacts every other area of your life.
Coping Strategies
Get help from your partner, parents, parent-in-laws or friends to help out a little during the day for you to catch up on sleep in-between feeds.
Create a sleep schedule with your partner. For example: splitting night shifts equally throughout the week, take the weekend night off if your partner works, take alternating feeds each night.
Lifestyle Changes
With all the stress, time commitment and challenges parenthood brings, it is only normal for it to also affect your lifestyle. Engaging in usual activities, like meeting friends, going to the cinema or exercising at the gym, will no longer be as straightforward as it once used to be. Your baby will follow wherever you go, especially if you are breastfeeding, making everything a little more difficult than it used to be. In the first 6 weeks postpartum while your body is also still recovering from giving birth, you may not be as mobile as you would like to be and should not engage in any form of physical exercise. It is also common to experience a dip in your social life while you recover and adjust to parenthood.
Coping Strategies
Allow yourself time to recover from the physical strain of childbirth. Everyone is different and will require less or more time to recover based on their individual circumstances.
Many venues have incorporated baby-friendly sessions (e.g. gym classes or cinemas) that allow you to bring your baby whilst still engaging in the activity.
Arrange for someone to babysit if needed.
Overstimulation
Being a parent almost guarantees that you will experience overstimulation (or sensory overload) at some point. It occurs when your five senses are working over-time from being touched-out and overwhelmed with sounds and sights. Most parents also feel that they never get a break due to the never-ending needs of an infant and household responsibilities. If not addressed, overstimulation may lead to an emotional outburst of anger or tears to relief the built up pressure. Parents who frequently experience overstimulation are also more likely to experience burnout.
Coping Strategies
Implement a “time-out” option with your partner. Whoever calls for a “time-out” gets 15 minutes of immediate break time, no questions asked.
Outsource chores to loved ones or paid services.
Use noise-cancelling headphones when things become overwhelming.
Simplify your schedule – only take on as much as you can manage.
Guilt & Feelings of Inadequacy
First-time parenthood comes with plenty of unsolicited advise from colleagues, parents, relatives, friends and sometimes even complete strangers. Whilst constructive feedback and general tips can be rather helpful, too much unsolicited advice and suggestions can lead to feelings of inadequacy and guilt for not doing the right or best things for your child. Feeling incompetent or unsure can also negative affect your confidence and performance as a parent. If you are beating yourself up over not being “a perfect parent”, just remember that bad parents are not worried about not being perfect. You are doing great!
Coping Strategies
Be kind to yourself - we know you are doing your very best, even if it does not look/feel like it.
Do not believe everything you see on social media - Other parents struggle, too, they just do not post about it.
Avoid comparing yourself to others and focus on what works for your family.
Body Image Issues
Going through 9 months of pregnancy and giving birth takes a huge toll on your body. You may experience swollen breasts, stretch marks, lose belly skin, increased sweating, hair loss, loss of libido, and signs of accelerated ageing. It is very common for new mothers to feel uncomfortable and embarrassed about their current body.
While most bodily changes will reverse themselves over time (e.g. pregnancy weight, water retention, hair loss), you may notice others lingering longer or becoming permanent (e.g. stretch marks). It can be tempting to immediately start exercising and dieting to regain that sense of self postpartum, but remember: Your body grew, delivered and is now nurturing a little human being, it deserves a rest and time to properly heal.
Coping Strategies
Be mindful of social media not always portraying reality.
Resist comparison – your body = your recovery journey.
Engage in positive affirmations. Tell yourself what you would tell a friend in the same position.
Relationship Challenges
With all that is going on in the first few months of becoming first-time parents, it is no surprise that you may encounter relationship challenges. With most of your time and attention going to your newborn, you may notice a decline in quality time and communication focusing only on child related matters and lack of intimacy. If your partner continues to or has returned to work, meaning they are having a life outside the baby bubble, it may also create a sense of unfairness and jealousy. Experiencing constant exhaustion and sensory overload also leads to heightened emotions and increased arguments between couples. Clashing parenting styles can also be a source of frustration and tension.
Coping Strategies
Remember the importance of communication and expressing yourself assertively.
Plan for quality time with your partner and make necessary arrangements.
Discuss parenting style expectations and find common ground.
