Detach and externalise from a toxic relationship. Pain is inevitable but acceptance and moving on is a choice. by Jumh Tantri

By Jumh Tantri

Counsellor / Parenting Coach / Career Coach

Detach and externalise from a toxic relationship. Pain is inevitable but acceptance and moving on is a choice by Jumh Tantri

Are you in a toxic relationship or struggling to get out of one? Counsellor Jumh Tantri share some strategies for you to be able to be detached and exit from a toxic relationship

In recent years, there has been an increment in divorces including those who had been married for over 20 years, and there is a growing trend of short-term relationships like friends with benefits (FWB) and situationships. It is getting more common to witness relationships that only survive the short-term honeymoon period stage and split their ways. In addition, when they pass through this stage, most couples struggle to get through the testing stage where they often get into conflicts because of differences in values, principles, and perspectives because of their respective upbringing environment / attachment styles, etc. However, the hardest cases to digest are separation due to toxic relationships which involved physical violence, verbal abuse, silent treatment like giving cold shoulder, gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and using children as a shield or threatening tool. In the end, the victims often suffer in silence and even if they do successfully leave the toxic relationship, they often get some form of trauma, and scars and are afraid to face a new relationship, feeling ounces of guilt for leaving the relationship, inability to love and trust again, unable to forgive self, etc. This emotional baggage often accompanies these victims to their next relationship or even has impacts on their existing relationship with others.

There are ways individuals can detach from a toxic relationship as per following:

Externalising all negative feelings / emotions that dictate you for having the fault

Many times victims would fall into the trap that they are not good enough after the split such as not attractive anymore, have good body proportion, not smart, rich, educated, expressive and many other qualities which deemed them to be lacking. It usually worsens especially if the perpetrators gaslight the victims by making it seem like it is completely the victims’ fault that their relationships came to ruin. That is when negative emotions will arise such as anxiety, depression, sadness, guilt, self-blaming tendencies, etc. Victims would often overlook that they are associating themselves with these feelings and emotions as though they are one which makes it difficult for them to come out of it. Thus, it is essential for them to externalize these feelings and emotions and view them as another entity from a third-party angle. To know oneself and their bad experiences, emotions are not one entity but separate. That will be the beginning for healing.

Selfish self-love and pumping more self-compassion into self

Simply to say that if you don’t be selfish to love and prioritize yourself during this grieving period, nobody will do for you, and you will end up being more miserable. You ought to take the initiative to show yourself more compassion by informing yourself that it is not your fault entirely that this relationship is gone but rather to remind yourself that you have done what you could, and you had learnt good and bad lessons from it. If the other party is not willing to compromise, change, or make any efforts, close that chapter and come to terms with it because it is not something worth holding to a toxic relationship in a lifespan that is short and precious. You deserve better, your mental health must be upkeep well for you to go on for a longer journey. Another alternative to show compassion and love for oneself is to question yourself about what you have gained instead of what you have lost. Perhaps it could be that you ascertain the kind of relationship or partner you want in life that you will not compromise that standard and it is possible for you to keep that standard and find the right person. You need wits, judgement and patience to not fall into choosing a partner that is a bad script where it resembles your adverse childhood experience.

Respecting yourself is to give yourself a timeline to outgrow your situation

Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. It is either you continue to drown yourself in misery or you must find ways to step up and move on. Many times, people will say give yourself more time and time will heal but the fact is not that time will heal but as time goes by, things get easier to digest and for you to accept. However, many people have wasted many years of their lives drowning and believing that their toxic relationships have hope to rekindle the flame of love or to be salvaged. The fundamental way to resolve this is to give yourself a timeline of like 3 or 6 months so that you know that it is time to move, you have got to move on. All this effort is part of growing and learning to respect yourself. If you continue to let this toxic relationship restrain you from pursuing what is better and missing out on what is within the present, you might not get the opportunity again. In life, you must grab every opportunity that comes your way or else you may regret it without even trying. Thus, the timeline of 3 months will suffice for you to ponder, reflect, and conclude the unhelpful toxic relationship. If you do not respect yourself, nobody will while some people will even take advantage of you at your weakest or lowest. Hence, it is mandatory to create boundaries to protect yourself from getting further inflicted damages from a toxic relationship.

Finally, detaching a toxic relationship is not an easy feat or task. It is what most individuals are struggling with. For some people, it took a few months to move or even rare ones would get over it within weeks. However, there are some people who would be trapped for years and even last close to a lifetime. One thing for sure is to know that you are not alone in suffering and struggling in this kind of battle. Individuals across the globe also face the same giant. In the end, what can really help you to get out of it is to seek support from family or friends. Alternatively, you can join a support group to get encouragement or spur to get over it, knowing that you have fellow individuals who could empathise with your situation. Otherwise, do seek professional help from a psychologist, counsellor, or psychotherapist who is skilled to help you visualize your situation and explore ways with tailored interventions to help you cope better.

Book a counseling session with me at The Counselling Place Singapore to attain insights or guidance in navigating out a toxic relationship and moving into a better state of mental well-being – more love and compassion to self-love to know that you deserve a better one.