Let’s Talk About Sex

By Ho Shee Wai

Director/Registered Psychologist

Let’s Talk about Sex

Are you having a satisfactory sex life in your relationship? How important is sex for your relationship? When do we need to seek help from a relationship or sex therapist?

Sex in Marriage

Sex is important in a marriage as it is an expression of the intimacy of the relationship - you cannot get any closer physically to another person.  Good sex is very much interrelated with intimate trust, friendship, and conversations that create emotional connection.  Evidence is very clear that if people feel good about sex, they feel good about their relationship in general.  Research has shown that in marriage, sexual satisfaction is related to relationship satisfaction, stability and love commitment.  When sex is non-existent, it has a significant impact on the relationship.

There is no ideal frequency for having sex, or a formula.  We have been conditioned to think about sex in terms of quantity and quality of intercourse on the macro level. At the micro level, we’re primed to think about quantity and quality of orgasm. Sex isn’t only about the act. It is also and primarily about the connection of the couple. A good sexual relationship emerges from affection and respect and humor toward one another in very small moments of every day interaction.  We encourage couples to create a different attitude about sex — to think about kissing, hugging, holding hands, and snuggling as sex.

How much sex should we have?

A couple's sex life is affected by so many different factors: age, lifestyle, each partner's health and sex drive, and most importantly the quality of their relationship. Couple needs to decide what amount is right for them. You may have a problem if the frequency (or lack thereof) of sex with your partner interferes with the quality of your life; if you find yourself worrying about it, wishing it were more (or less) frequent; or becoming a contentious topic in your relationship or in your overall ability to be intimate with your partner.

Having said that, most sex therapists agree that couples having sex less than 10 times a year could be labelled a "sexless" relationship. A lack of sex doesn't always mean the relationship is in trouble, as long as both partners are satisfied with the frequency. However, often when couples stop having sex their relationship can be overtaken by feelings of anger, disappointment and detachment which can lead to infidelity or divorce.

Why couple are not having sex?

There are many reasons couple are not having sex with each other.

On the physiological front, there might be issues of chronic illnesses (diabetes, cancer, stroke), substance usage (alcohol, tobacco, drugs, medication), disability, injury, aging, etc.

On the psychological front, there might be issues of sexual difficulties (hypoactive sexual disorder, desire discrepancy, excitement-phase difficulty, dyspareunia, performance anxieties, emotional difficulties (e.g., depression, PTSD), sexual orientation, etc.

On the relationship front, there might be relationship struggles, hurt and unforgiveness, sexual dissatisfaction and betrayal, etc.

Steps that couples can take to get out of a sex rut:

Acknowledge and recognize that there is a problem.  It doesn’t matter and irrelevant if you can have sex with other people.  It doesn’t matter whether you want or not want to have sex with your partner anyway.  The fact that you are not having sex is a problem for BOTH of you.

Physical check up with a doctor to rule out physical causes

Profession guidance.  Couple should seek professional help with a psychologist, counsellor, relationship or sex  therapist for guidance in dealing with the psychological and relationship issues.

Talk about sex.  Couple should improve communication especially in the area of sex.  Talking about sex is actually more intimate than having sex.  Talk about your sexual preferences, your fears, your hopes, your sexual story (i.e., story of how you learned about sex, how you became aware of your sexuality, how you experienced the pain and shame, but also the joy and beauty of sex), etc.

Build intimacy.  Take steps to build all areas of intimacy (emotional, aesthetic, intellectual, creative, recreational, work, crisis, conflict, commitment, spiritual, parenting) in your relationship and especially sexual intimacy.

Put in hard work.  Impersonal sex is more fun than personal sex.  But, only because it doesn’t involve the hard work of intimacy building. The point is not necessarily about fun.  In a marriage, the point is in sharing the body, mind and soul. Personal sex is work. It’s harder. It’s messier. It’s riskier. But it’s better. And couples who are committed to improving their intimate, passionate, romantic, and sexual lives with one another don’t have to settle for fun sex.

What would a psychologist, counsellor or relationship therapist do?

The psychologist, counsellor, or relationship therapist will help the couple open up communication regarding the underlying relationship or personal issues that are forming a barrier to their intimacy. The psychologist, counsellor, or relationship therapist can also help negotiation in helping both people meet each other’s needs and come to an appropriate compromise or solution. The psychologist, counsellor, or relationship therapist will also help align both person’s expectations about the relationship and sex.

What would a sex therapist do?

The sex therapist will help the couple to communicate effectively about sex, resolving any conflicts that may be preventing them from having a satisfying sex life, and exploring ways to improve their sexual relationship. The sex therapist can also help the couple identify any areas of disagreement or misunderstanding in order to work through them in a constructive way. Additionally, couples can learn how to increase their pleasure and satisfaction in sexual activities.

When to seek help from professional relationship or sex therapist?

There is no too early or too late to seek professional support from a relationship or sex therapist. Tackling the intimacy issues early prevents the relationship from deteriorating further. Even if the situation is at a bad state, the relationship or sex therapistis able to help turn things around for you. Book in a session with our psychologist, counsellor, or sex therapist of The Counselling Place.