Seeking Love (in all the Wrong Places?)
By Ho Shee Wai
Director & Registered Psychologist
Seeking Love (in all the Wrong Places?)
Are you finding it a struggle to find your life partner? Do you face challenges as a single person? Ho Shee Wai, Director & Registered Psychologist of The Counselling Place, discusses the process and challenges for singles seeking love and life partner.
“Love is sought by everyone, everywhere. It’s a constant concern; it is in constant demand. Can it be found? We believe so, if it’s sufficiently understood and pursued ”
A healthy, loving relationship can enhance many aspects of our life, from our emotional and mental well-being to our physical health and overall happiness. We feel security when we are assured that our partner accepts us, want us, and is committed to our well-being. One of the main goals for singles in terms of relationship is to find a worthwhile and long-term partner. For many, though, finding someone you want to share your life with can seem like an impossible task, especially for those who have been single for a while. The journey is often prone to difficulties and disappointments, which is why some don’t bother trying or is willing to settle for second best.
Internal Barriers
One question that often plague singles is “Is it me?” Yes and No. No, because being in a relationship requires the coming together of 3 elements: Right Person, Right Time, and Right Place, Yes, because your search for love will be more successful if you are aware of your internal obstacles:
Perfect Mate
In your search for the perfect partner, the first thing you must realize is that there is no such thing as a Perfect mate. Everything is founded in degree of compromise. The question is Can I live with that? Can I accept that? When you found the one that meet most of your criteria and perimeter, you then have to answer the question on the flip side of the coin of Do I fit what he/she wants?
Myths about Love
Many believe that love is this uncontrollable high that drives us to do crazy things. That feeling is lust. Love is an active power that you control by your own will, you are not the helpless slave of love, you can choose to love. Love is an art that needs to be learnt and pour your life into. Love is costly, it requires much from the person who loves even when the giving is pure joy. Love recognizes and affirms the unique value of their partner, and consistently does the best for him / her.
Expectations about dating and finding love
Many of us do our search for a partner with a predetermined set of (often unrealistic) expectations, such as how the person should look and behave, how the relationship should progress, and the roles each partner should fulfill. These expectations may be based on your family history, influence of your peer group, your past experiences, or even ideals portrayed in movies and TV shows. However, retaining many of these unrealistic expectations can make any potential partner seem inadequate and any new relationship feel disappointing.
Reasons for being in relationship
Some of the wrong reasons include:
To get out of your family of origin, escape from unhappy home
To feel good about self and give meaning to your life (negative self esteem)
To seeking acceptance, identity and approval
To be needed by someone
Fear of being left out, alone, or independence
Rebound – hurting from a former love relationship
Tips for the Search Process
Keep things in perspective
Don’t make your search for a relationship the center of your life. Concentrate on activities you enjoy, your career, health, and relationships with family and friends. When you focus on keeping yourself happy, it will keep your life balanced and make you a more interesting person when you do meet someone special.
First impressions aren’t always reliable
Regardless of where or how you meet someone, though, it always takes time to really get to know that person. You have to experience being with someone in a variety of situations, some good and some not so good, before you really know him or her.
Be honest about your own flaws and shortcomings
Everyone has flaws and, for a relationship to last you want someone to love you for the person you are, not the person you’d like to be, or the person he or she thinks you have the potential to become. By being honest and shedding all pretense you’ll encourage the other person to do the same, which can lead to a fulfilling relationship.
Work on yourself
Build on things that you want your partner to love you for. Work through issues from your family of origin or past relationships before you get into a relationship.
Have a plan of action
Create a plan of where to meet and how to have successful encounters with potential partners.
Have fun
Think of your time as a single person as a great opportunity to meet new people, expand your social circle, and participate in new events. Putting yourself in a new environment it's likely you'll meet new people who share similar interests. Even if you don’t meet that special someone, you will still have enjoyed yourself and maybe forged new friendships
How does Counselling Help in the Search Process?
Consulting a psychologist, counsellor, or psychotherapist may seemed counterintuitive when you think about finding love. Shouldn’t we be seeking a match maker? The benefits of having counselling as part of your search process is you get an objective third party who is able to comment on what you are doing correctly or wrong. Your psychologist, counsellor, or psychotherapist will also be able to point to your blindspot in this whole process. Additionally, the psychologist, counsellor, or psychotherapist will have training in relationship and couple issues and know what makes or breaks a relationship. Afterall, the goal is not just to find the person, but to be in a healthy long-term relationship with that person.