Getting out of Perpetual Conflict Cycle as a Couple

By Ho Shee Wai

Director /  Registered Psychologist

Getting out of Perpetual Conflict Cycle as a Couple

Are you constantly fighting as a couple, and usually over the same thing? How can we break out for this perpetual cycle of conflict?

Even if you are the most similar or compatible of couple, you will have conflict. Cambridge dictionary defines conflict as a situation in which beliefs, needs, facts, etc. are very different and cannot easily exist together or both be true. Therefore, unless you are the same person (which no 2 people in the couple relationship are), you will have differences that you’d need to navigate.

To get out of the perpetual conflict cycle, there are a few steps you need to take:To get out of the perpetual conflict cycle, there are a few steps you need to take:

Step 1: Identify Your Couple Conflict Style

According to Drs John & Julie Gottman, there are 5 types of couple conflict styles. Identifying which conflict couple style you and your partner fall into is the first step to get out of perpetual conflict cycle.

1. Conflict Avoiders

Conflict avoiders minimize persuasion attempts and instead emphasize their areas of common ground. They avoid conflict, avoid expressing what they need from one another, and congratulate their relationship for being generally happy.

2. Volatile Couples

Almost the exact opposite of conflict avoiders, volatile couples are intensely emotional. During a conflict discussion, they begin persuasion immediately and they stick to it throughout the discussion. Their debating is characterized by a lot of laughter, shared amusement, and humour.

3. Validating Couples

The interaction of these couples is characterized by ease and calm. They are somewhat expressive but mostly neutral. In many ways, they seem to be intermediate between avoiders and the volatile couples. They put a lot of emphasis on supporting and understanding their partner’s point of view, and are often empathetic about their partner’s feelings.

4. Hostile Couples

Hostile couples are like validating couples, except there are high levels of defensiveness and criticism on the part of both partners.

5. Hostile-Detached Couples

These couples are like two armies engaged in a mutually frustrating and lonely standoff with no clear victor, only a stalemate. Research has shown that hostile-detached couple eventually separates/divorce as they do not regulate their negativity.

Step 2: Define what type of conflict it is

When thinking about conflict in a relationship, it is important to ascertain whether a problem is solvable or perpetual. Sixty-nine percent of relationship conflict is about perpetual problems. What is the difference between the 2:

Solvable problem

The conflict is simply about that topic, and there may not be a deeper meaning behind each partner’s position. A solution can be found and maintained.

Perpetual problem

Perpetual problems are problems that center on either fundamental differences in your personalities, or fundamental differences in your lifestyle needs.

There is a 3rd type of problem:

Gridlocked perpetual problems

Gridlocked perpetual problems are perpetual problems that have been mishandled and have essentially calcified into something uncomfortable.

Step 3: Deal with the conflict with the right tool

Couples are usually able to tackle solvable problem by having open communication, willingness to negotiate and compromise. The agreement at the end of the conflict is either we go with 1 of the 2 stances, we made compromise to the both stances, we come up with a 3rd solution that meets both needs, or we agree to disagree (without resentment).

With perpetual problems, couples usually require the support of a professional psychologist, counsellor, or relationship therapist to help guide them through a solution that address the fundamental differences in your personalities or needs. The goal will be to establish a dialogue about the perpetual problem that communicates acceptance of your partner with humor, affection, and even amusement, to actively cope with the unresolvable problem, rather than allowing it to fall into the condition of gridlock.

With gridlock perpetual problems, you’d definitely need the guidance of a professional psychologist, counsellor, or relationship therapist to uncover the unfulfilled dreams that each person has. All gridlock perpetual problems come from unfulfilled dreams. Many couples give up when it comes to gridlock perpetual problems. However, it is important to keep working on your unresolvable conflicts. Research has found that couples who are demanding of their marriage are more likely to have deeply satisfying unions than those who lower their expectations. The first step in overcoming gridlock is open communication with your partner about your hopes, aspirations, and life goals.

Step 4: Be on the same side

When we get deep into the conflict, often we take the opposite side or stance to our partner. It is important to remember that we are on the same side as a couple. We both want things to be better for the situation, or us. Remember, your partner is not the problem, the problem is the problem. We face the problems together as a team.

Step 5: PS I Love You

When couples are in conflict, the first thing that get thrown out of the window is the awareness that we love our partner. We become so invested in the conflict that we forgot that the person we are having conflict with is not our enemy, it is the person we supposedly love. In counselling, sometimes I get my couples to do the simple (yet challenging) exercise of saying “I love you” with genuine emotion to their partner when they are in conflict, regardless what their partner is saying to them. Almost without fail the conflict needs to stop because the other person is not able to maintain the fight by themselves.

While the steps outlined above are easy, the actual execution of them is not easy. This is why it is often better to get a trained professional like a psychologist, counsellor, or relationship therapist to take you through each step. The psychologist, counsellor, or relationship therapist is also a neutral third party with no other agenda or ulterior motive than to ensure you can have to best outcome from the conflict as possible. Don’t struggle alone in your perpetual conflict, seek the require help to break out of this unhealthy cycle, especially if you are fitting the “Hostile-Detached Couples” style.