Parent Self-Regulation – Managing Our Own Emotions Effectively First by Paula Brunning
Parenting Coach & Counsellor
Parent Self-Regulation – Managing Our Own Emotions Effectively First b
y Paula Brunning
With parenting our emotional needs increase. Find out how you can manage your own emotions effectively in order to be able to do parenting with Parenting Coach & Counsellor, Paula Brunning.
Parenting & Emotions (Yours & Your Child)
As adults, we become responsible for many things: our finances, our career, our household. We are also responsible for managing our emotions, and for many of us, that is not an easy thing. Emotions may not be something we interacted with in healthy ways while growing up, or we may find ourselves in new circumstances that make it difficult. Once we become parents, we might find ourselves on an emotional roller coaster, uncertain of how to harness emotional information and manage our ups and downs. We may not have had the experience of consciously developing the skills to recognize, process, understand and respond to the emotions that impact us day to day, and sometimes moment to moment. In addition, we may feel external expectations that put pressure on how we might be able to manage our emotions, and how we in turn respond to the emotional demands of our children.
It is a fact that when we are faced with stress, our emotional needs increase. This is compounded when we are parents as the emotional needs of others, our children, are also increased during periods of parental stress. Have you ever noticed that when you are busiest, your child suddenly needs your attention?
Children’s emotional health is a protective factor for future wellbeing, and much of their emotional health comes from their relationship with parents. As a parent it is extremely important to be concerned with your own self-care and ability to self-regulate and process emotions so that you can be present and capable of caring for your children well. We often think we can put off our own needs due to busy schedules and the caring for others. However, if we neglect our emotional needs, we will not have the patience or be able to access the skills to be emotionally present for our children. Parents who are raising children outside of their own home culture may be more susceptible to seasons of stress that come with a mobile lifestyle, and may not have the community supports and networks that underpin their own self-care. This additional stress actually makes it really important to be able to have a strong sense of emotional health and self-care as a parent.
Emotional Regulation Skills
Fortunately, developing emotional awareness and emotional regulation skills is something that anyone can learn. It does take some practice since our emotions activate different parts of our brain that are separate from the rational, thinking part of our brain. Becoming familiar with the steps that support self-regulation is important so that we can follow the process when needed, in the heat of the moment so to speak. For parents everywhere, the simple process that I share with you comes from Lauren Wells’ book Raising Up A Generation Of Healthy Third Culture Kids, a valuable read for all parents who are raising children, especially expatriates who are doing so outside of their home culture. The process has five steps.
Pause and listen to your thoughts. What do you notice? What is your self-talk?
Name your feelings. Be as specific as possible. Are you feeling nervous, frustrated, anxious, vulnerable, challenged, sad, afraid?
Ask yourself what triggered it. Consider the source of each feeling. Can you determine when that feeling started? Is there a belief that makes you feel less than in some way?
Ask yourself, how is that feeling affecting me? Is your tone of voice different because of your feelings? Are you less patient or speaking more sharply to your children? Are you stomping or slamming doors?
Choose how to respond to each emotion. Work through the information you now have about your current emotions, what they stem from and how they are affecting you. Ask yourself, what do I need? A kind word of reassurance? A good cry? Some time alone? A nap? A brisk walk? Find a way to tend to each emotion in some way. Avoid ignoring it, and instead work through it in a healthy way. Perhaps even voice out loud to your child so they can see you modeling this process. For example, ‘I am feeling frustrated right now and need to take some deep breaths and sit down for a cup of tea. Would you like to do that with me?’
This whole process supports what is called self-regulation. Self-regulation serves as a foundation for positive parenting and creates an environment that fosters emotional well-being for both parents and children. When we are attuned to our children, we notice their feelings and support them in slowing things down to address strong emotions in a healthy way and reframe the situation so it can be managed. Self-regulation is doing this for ourselves. Here are a few reasons why self-regulation is crucial:
Emotional Modeling: Parents who demonstrate effective self-regulation serve as positive role models for their children, teaching them valuable skills in emotional management.
Healthy Communication: Self-regulation enables parents to communicate with their children in a calm and composed manner, promoting open dialogue and understanding.
Positive Discipline: By managing their own emotions, parents can discipline their children in a fair and constructive manner, encouraging personal growth and development.
How to Cope when Feeling Emotionally Overwhelmed
It may seem that working towards the ability to self-regulate in moments of emotional overwhelm is difficult, so I suggest selecting one or two of the activities below that can be incorporated into a daily routine for busy parents. These options are great ways to practice noticing and listening to your emotions, or managing stress in ways that support emotional healthy outcomes.
Mindful Breathing:
Taking a few deep breaths during stressful moments can help parents regain composure and respond thoughtfully. Doing this regularly means you have this calming tool at hand any time you need it.
Physical Exercise:
Engaging in regular physical activity, even for a short duration, can release endorphins and reduce anxiety, improving emotional well-being. Be attentive to your emotions before and after exercising and play around with ways to do something exerting in a pinch if this is a tool that works well for you, such a star jumps, shadow boxing or lunge steps.
Journaling:
Writing down thoughts and emotions in a journal allows parents to reflect on their feelings and gain better insight into their triggers. Allow yourself to notice a range of emotions and how sharing in a journal might lighten what you carry.
Time-in:
A great tool for parents is giving yourself a time in to take a short break to prevent overwhelm from hijacking you emotionally. Time in can provide parents with an opportunity to recharge and regain emotional balance. This can be a brief activity that recharges you like lying down for a few minutes, stepping outdoors, coloring, or sitting down with a cup of tea.
Being Playful:
Play can be a natural energy and mood booster. See how long you can stand on one leg, have a staring contest, play catch, or walk like a duck. Taking a moment to have fun and be silly can be an excellent way for parents to recharge and reduce stress.
Practicing Gratitude:
Cultivating a gratitude practice helps shift focus towards positive aspects of life, promoting emotional resilience and well-being. Be intentional about naming things you are grateful for each day to get the most out of this practice. Do this as a family activity and everyone can benefit.
Being Social:
Connecting with other parents, colleagues, neighbours or family provides connection which is so important for emotional health. Build relationships that feel nurturing. Consider professional support or parent support groups that offer a safe space for sharing experiences and learning from others if you are finding self-care and self-regulation a challenge. Building skills with encouragement can be a great experience.
Conclusion
Self-regulation of emotions is a valuable skill for parents, enabling them to navigate the challenges of parenting with emotional intelligence and resilience. By recognizing their own strong emotions and managing them effectively, parents can better offer a nurturing environment for their children. Engaging in self-regulating activities that foster a sense of self-care, even amidst a busy schedule, can significantly contribute to a parent's emotional well-being and overall parenting satisfaction. Through intentionally processing emotions and developing healthy tools for self-regulation, parents benefit and are more emotionally available for their children. The skill of emotional self-regulation is best learnt with the support of a Psychologist, Counsellor, or Psychotherapist. Book in a session with me.