Financial Intimacy
by Anne Ueberbach
Assistant Director / Counsellor
Case Study
Julia* and Tom* are having a secret war over money. Tom is angry with Julia because no matter how much he earned, she spent it all. Every month, not only do they not have any saving, she managed to rake up even more credit card debts. Tom has no idea where the money went or how he is ever going to be able to pay off the debts. Coming from a family where the man is expected to be the breadwinner and provider, Tom decided it was his responsibility to provide for all of Julia’s “needs”. His solution for the situation is to work harder to provide but he is getting very resentful that Julia has so much needs. Julia, on the other hand, felt neglected and ignored by Tom and decided that she needs to spend to make herself feel good. This is a habit she learnt from her mother. Julia also noticed that Tom is working a lot and decided that since money is the most important thing for Tom, she’ll hit him where it hurts so maybe he would sit up and pay attention to her.
*Not their real name
The case of Julia and Tom is typical of some couples that come through our office for counselling. Couples come to counselling to sort out a myriad of issues. What we’ve observed, however is that the topic that couples struggled the most to discuss is surprisingly not sex, but money and finances.
It is interesting that couples who are able to share all other aspects of their lives: recreational, physical, emotional, spiritual, etc., are stumped when it comes to topic of money and how to join their money together. Often couples feel that they shouldn’t “taint” their relationship with money talk. This unspoken topic, however, then become a major source of conflict in the couples’ dynamic. Couples engage in a variety of financial guerilla warfare where money is used as power weapon: e.g., taking the yours-and-mine approach, spite spending, or secret hoarding and secret spending.
What is financial intimacy?
Financial intimacy goes beyond the mere sharing of expenses; it involves a deep emotional connection around money matters. It encompasses joint decision-making, transparency, and a shared vision for the financial future. Understanding each other's financial values and goals is at the core of this intimacy.
Financial intimacy, like other areas of the couples’ intimacies, requires couples to get to know their partner and allowing their partner to get to know them. Specifically in the area of money, the goals of financial intimacy are to make your partner your financial partner (i.e., someone whom you are communicating and working together to address financial issues); to understand each other’s point of view; to manage your money styles and negotiate your differences; and to create financial harmony.
Financial intimacy is about getting to know yourself and allowing your partner to get to know and trust your financial awareness. To be intimate in this area, couples need to learn strategies to overcome negative habits and thinking that keep them in a perpetual financial tug of war. They also need to gain knowledge on how to communicate and work together towards shared values and vision for their financial future.
Money is laden with emotional significance. It symbolizes security, power, and control. Understanding the emotional weight attached to financial decisions is crucial for fostering a healthy financial dynamic in a relationship.
The Psychology behind financial intimacy
Financial Compatibility & Navigating Power Dynamics
Assessing financial compatibility involves understanding each other's money personalities, risk tolerance, and spending habits. Recognizing and appreciating differences allows couples to find common ground and build financial harmony.
Money often brings forth power dynamics within a relationship. Exploring and addressing potential imbalances in financial decision-making is essential for maintaining equality and mutual respect.
Effective Communication
Effective communication is the cornerstone of financial intimacy. Couples must create a safe space for open and honest discussions about money. Trust, built on transparency and shared financial goals, forms the foundation of a financially intimate relationship.
Individual financial histories and baggage play a significant role in shaping one's approach to money. Past experiences, whether positive or negative, can influence financial behaviors within a relationship. Acknowledging and understanding these histories is crucial for navigating potential challenges.
Managing Financial Stress & Different Financial Values
Financial stress can strain a relationship. Acknowledging the stressors and working together to find solutions is crucial. Seeking professional financial counseling or therapy can offer valuable tools for managing stress and improving communication.
Differences in financial values can lead to conflicts. Addressing these differences with empathy and compromise is essential. Seeking the guidance of a counsellor / psychologist / psychotherapist can provide an impartial perspective and facilitate constructive conversations. Learn more about our team at The Counselling Place and how we can support you on your relationship journey here.
Tips for starting the process of financial intimacy:
Self evaluate the obstacles that prevent you from being transparent in your marriage/relationship.
Set up regular appointment with your partner to discuss finances.
Start meetings by establishing small goals to be accomplished.
Stay focused on money issues and don’t bring up old hurts to gain an advantage.
Listen to each other and try to truly understand what the other person is trying to say.
Try to stay focused on your concern instead of. turning it into an attack.
Say positive statements to each other in order to inspire change.
Seek more information and other resources on financial management.
Use numbers (dollars spent) to guide the discussion instead of feelings or beliefs.
Bring in a 3rd person if come to an impasse. (e.g. an accountant, advisor, counsellor or other trusted parties.)
Write down agreements and goals.
Acknowledge each other’s effort and progress.
Celebrate progress and success, no matter how small.
