By Ho Shee Wai

Director/Registered Psychologist

The hardest part for the wife when face with the reality of the husband cheating came from the fact that the affair is happening right under her nose and in her own home (which is mean to be her territory and safe haven). It led to her questioning why she didn’t notice or know. There is some level of trust and reliance the family has to have for the helper to be in the home (to take care of their home, to not rob them, to not harm their kids, to not to take their husband) and violation of that trust is very significant. There is also a level comparison that the wife has in terms of the beliefs of being “better” than the helper and the fact that the husband cheated with the helper was insulting for her.

 Research had shown the “proximity” is a factor for attraction. People are attracted to people living near them. You can’t get any nearer than your home. “Living together” also led to a sense of familiarity and the time spent together also created a closeness. It is less about the “look” but more about being different. Often time the man who is cheating with the helper is attracted to something that he values that is different from the wife.

 For some men, the availability is a temptation that arose out of greed, the inability to turn down or say No to what is there. There are also some men who develop feelings of sympathy or protection due to stories of the helper’s poor background, tough life and current challenges. They took on the role of “rescuer”.

What did the Counsellor do?

Debrief the affair

The counsellor first debriefed the couple on the affair. To move forward, the couple needed to understand what happened instead of brushing it under the carpet and just trying to move on. The wife needed the space to process what happened, ask the million and one questions she has. She also needed to do some soul searching and self-reflection about how she contributed to the marriage deteriorating to the point that it had. For the husband, this is the opportunity for him to share what lead to his decisions, how the affair took place, the details of the relationship, and to show his remorse and desire to repair the marriage.

Rebuild trust

The counsellor then facilitated the couple to discuss what is required to rebuild trust in the marriage. Trust rebuilding requires the actions of making grand gestures to prove to your partner that you will do what you say.  Some of the trust rebuilding actions include being transparent and open, cutting off the affair and all communications, being accountable, etc.  An important step in rebuilding trust is the ability for the couple to set appropriate boundaries, both acting as a gatekeeper to protect the marriage.

Forgiveness & Reconciliation

The counsellor then helped the couple to discuss what is necessary for forgiveness (e.g., apology, letting go, etc.) and the reconciliation of the relationship. This would require both people to be vulnerable and willing to take risk to become closer to each other.

Fixing what is wrong

Next, the counsellor focused on what are the identified issues in the marriage. Both need to be candid and honest in terms of what is wrong with each of them and the marriage. Repair work require effort on both parties in order to get to a better place. At this stage fixing the intimacy issues is especially pertinent.

Starting a new marriage

The counsellor started outlining what is the expectations and requirement for the couple to have a “new” marriage where they do things and interact with each other differently from their “old” marriage.

Commitment