By Ho Shee Wai

Director/Registered Psychologist

Overseas posting has its benefits but it also poses its unique challenges. As an Expat in Singapore, you’d probably be facing some common issues as a couple but also some unique stressors as an expatriate. Let’s look at some relationship issues and what to do about them.

Common Problems

Problem 1: Lack of Time

While Singapore posting provides for good financial benefits, it asks equivalent amount of time in return. Many expatriates face the gruelling working hours and stress that comes with the job. The challenge for the relationship or couple is firstly having time together, and secondly having the energy to do something that can build intimacy during the limited time you have.

Solution: Scheduling it in.

Many people balked at the idea of having to schedule couple time, feeling it’s unnatural and not spontaneous. However, if you look at when you first get together as a couple, you do need to make specific time arrangement in order to have your date and be able to spend time together. Having a fixed day as “Couple Night” has been found to be helpful to many expat couples. On this Couple Night, it needs to be just the 2 of you (sorry, no friends or children allowed) and the focus is to do something fun and enjoyable together.

Problem 2: So Much to Do

In a vibrant city like Singapore, there is no shortage of options and activities to keep us busy. For those very involved in the expatriate communities, there is also no shortage of invitations for social engagement. While it’s important to receive the social support, it distracts us from ensuring we are building our relationship.

Solution: Double dates

Having a double date is a nice balance for our need to be together as a couple and our need to spend time with our friends. Just having 4 people there provide the intimate environment where the conversations can go deeper and be more fulfilling while giving space and time for you to be also paying attention to your partner.

Problem 3: Temptation

Being an Expat in Asia and Singapore, everything is suddenly different. The new location is far more exotic than `home’ which may have become mundane; daily routine is often refreshingly different; work is more interesting and as a result, you/your partner may feel more interesting and alive than before; and you/your partner may feel special because of the receipt of unusual attention.

Solution: Affair proof your relationship

A study of 495 people revealed eight key reasons for infidelity: anger, low self-esteem, lack of love, low commitment, need for variety, neglect, sexual desire, and circumstance. Work on issues that is in your relationship and set clear boundaries and rules of engagement. Having accountability also help both person to have your relationship as top priority.

Problem 4: Change in Role

Moving to Singapore may lead to a change in role for the 2 persons in the relationship, especially of one person is a trailing partner. This can cause dissatisfaction or resentment for either or both person in the couple.

Solution: New contract

No different from changing job, if there were to be change in roles in the relationship, there need to be negotiation and agreement between the 2 persons in the couple. The good thing in Singapore is that you are afforded a lot of outsourcing options. If you hate household chores, there is no reason to not find help. Instead invest your time and energy into something that gives you more meaning (e.g., volunteering, pursuing your passion, starting your own business).

Problem 5: Separation from family and friends

While many expatriates are aware that leaving behind their support system of family and friends can lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation, not all are aware of the impact of that on your relationship. Our relationship does not exist in a vacuum, a study has found that perceptions of support from a couple's social circle were very highly related to feelings of satisfaction, love and commitment, in both men and women, and were predictive of whether a couple would stay together.

Solution: Move your Family & Friends over (joking!) Get Family & Friends involved

With the modern convenience of technology, while virtual and phone conversations are not the same as in-person, you can still involved your family and friends in your relationship as you would if you were home. Having friends or family you can rely on and trust provides much-needed support and an outlet for stress, which can make you a better partner overall. You family and friends can offer different and more objective perspectives on you and your relationship.

Steps to solve common relationship problems

While there are other common problems faced by expats in Singapore in terms of maintaining their romantic relationship, some general steps you can take in dealing with them include:

1.       Communicate, communicate, communicate.

There is nothing the 2 of you cannot solve if both are open to be communicating. To facilitate communicate, it’s important to pay attention to the timing (are both in the right frame of mind), the setting (does the environment allows for free open communication), and the approach (usually attacking the other person does not lead to positive outcome).

2. Attack the problem (not each other).

Often when we are face with a problem, we tend to be looking at the other person’s fault. Try to see it as a team effort to solve an external problem. The problem is the problem, the other person is not the problem. Try to be on the same team.

3. Know when you’re out of your depth

Couple often do make an attempt to resolve whatever issues you have. However, due to your experiences, skills, baggages, and limitation, you may not be able to come to a solution just by yourself. Learn when you are out of depth, seek external support and help, be it by reading self-help books, speak to trusted friends and families, or engage the service of professional psychologist, counsellor, or psychotherapist.

At The Counselling Place, our therapists are trained and experienced in help expatriates deal with their romantic relationship issues amongst other things, especially if you are cross-cultural couple. Book in a session with our team.