Are you Checked Out? by Stacey Lee Henderson

by Stacey Lee Henderson
Clinical & Organizational Psychologist / Parenting Coach

Are you Checked Out?

Have your checked out emotionally from your relationship or marriage. Psychologist Stacey Lee Henderson of The Counselling Place Singapore shares what are the next steps you can take.

When one partner has emotionally checked out of a marriage, it can be a deeply painful and confusing experience. This situation often leaves the other partner feeling isolated, anxious, and uncertain about the future. Understanding the steps to take when one partner is emotionally distant can help in navigating this challenging phase. What are some crucial steps to consider.

Recognize the Signs

The first step is to recognize and acknowledge the signs that your partner has checked out. Do these signs seem familiar to you? It may include a Lack of Communication. Perhaps you might notice less communication, avoiding deeper and meaningful conversations and/ or showing little interest in your daily life. Along with a deterioration in communication, you may notice Emotional Withdrawal. Are there signs of them becoming emotionally distant, less affectionate, and uninterested in physical intimacy. Perhaps instead there may be a sense of Increased Irritability. Your partner may become easily irritated or annoyed at the little things. This emotional reactions and outbursts leading to frequent arguments or the reversed behaviour of the silent treatment. Again, all action that are impacting good communication about one’s emotions. Do they perhaps tend to Spend More Time Away? They might spend more time at work, with friends, or engaging in hobbies, and thus avoiding spending time with you. Is it easier for them to make plans with or that include others instead of intimate 1-on-1 time together as a couple. Finally, are they Neglecting Responsibilities? There may be a noticeable neglect of shared responsibilities, such as household chores or parenting duties.

Self- Reflect

Now that you have noticed these signs, either a combination of the above or single behaviours that have occurred over a long period of time, you may be asking yourself  how do I approach this and move forward? Before addressing the issue with your partner, it's essential to reflect on your own feelings and behaviours. How you respond is key to a reconciliation. Consider the following self-reflections: First by reflecting on Your Own Actions. Reflect on whether your actions or behaviour may have contributed to the situation in a negative way. Have you been neglectful, overly critical, or emotionally unavailable? Second, reflect on Your Needs. Understand your own emotional needs and whether they are being met in the relationship. Finally, reflect in a realistic manner what are Your Relationship Goals. Clarify your goals for the relationship. Do you want to work through the issues and reconnect with your partner, or are you considering other options? Clarity on your stance will give you some direction on how to move forward.

Openly Communicate

Once you have reflected on your own feelings and actions, it's time to have an open and honest conversation with your partner. The following are some tips for effective communication. Choose the Right Time: Find a calm and private moment to talk, free from distractions.  Scheduling this ahead of time may give it the attention that is needed. Use “I” Statements when communicating to avoid making assumptions or being misunderstood. Focus on expressing your feelings and needs without blaming or accusing your partner. For example, say, “I feel lonely and disconnected when we don’t spend time together” instead of “You never spend time with me.” Beginning by reframing your speech, is key to getting the other party to listen. Listen Actively to each other. Give your partner a chance to share their perspective. Listen without interrupting or becoming defensive. Set a timer if necessary! And of course Stay Calm. Emotions can run high during these conversations, but try to remain calm and composed without reacting from emotions. If needed, ask to step away for 5 minutes and agree to come back at another time. However if it becomes too difficult, sometimes knowing when to seek professional help may ease the conversation to become more productive if your efforts to communicate and reconnect with your partner are not successful. A therapist or counsellor can provide valuable guidance and support. Counselling can help a couple to Identify The Underlying Issues. A therapist can help uncover underlying issues that may be contributing to the emotional distance that you  may not have noticed yourselves. They may assist to Improve Your Style of Communication. Therapy can teach both partners effective communication skills that work for you. It is a step towards  aiding you to Rebuild Trust. Counselling can provide tools and strategies to rebuild trust and intimacy in the relationship. Additionally, Individual Therapy may help if one partner is not ready. Sometimes, individual therapy may be beneficial for each partner to address personal issues that impact the marriage before couples counselling can commence.

It is also important to focus on Self-Care while working on your marriage. It’s crucial to take care of yourself on a regular basis. Emotional stress can take a toll on your physical and mental well-being that often leads to lashing out at the other individual. Consider the following self-care strategies as a start to a better you. Maintaining a Routine by sticking to a daily routine to provide a sense of normalcy and stability. When you are able to Stay Active by engaging in physical activities that you enjoy, such as exercise, sports, or yoga, it regulates the system. Do not neglect your social connections. Connect with Friends and Family by spending time with supportive friends and family members who can offer emotional support in your time of need. I am an advocate for Mindfulness Practice. It serves as a variety of techniques such as meditation, deep breathing, and journaling that can help reduce stress and improve emotional resilience. Don’t neglect yourself and instead find time to Pursue Your Hobbies. Engage in hobbies and activities that bring you joy and fulfilment in order to prevent relationship and personal burnout.

If all else fails after sincere efforts and your partner remains emotionally distant or unwilling to work on the relationship. If you feel like you have tried all you could, engage a professional to assist you in Evaluating your Relationship. Evaluate Your Happiness. Assess whether staying in the marriage is contributing to your overall happiness and well-being. Is there Mutual Effort? A healthy relationship requires effort from both partners. If only one person is committed to improving the relationship, it may not be sustainable in the long term. If it is a marriage, are there children involved and what is the impact on children? If you have children, consider how the marital issues are affecting them. Children often pick up on emotional tension and conflict, which can impact their emotional health as well.

Explore All Options. If you decide that the relationship cannot be salvaged, it’s important to explore all options and understand the implications. Asking yourselves what might these steps look like? Separation: Sometimes a trial separation can provide clarity and space for both partners to reflect on their needs and desires. Divorce: If divorce seems to be the best option, consult with a legal professional to understand your rights and the process involved. Co-Parenting: If you have children, focus on creating a co-parenting plan that prioritizes their well-being and maintains a healthy relationship with both parents.

What does Moving Forward look like? It may be different for each couple and that is okay. Regardless of the outcome, it’s essential to focus on your personal growth and healing. Moving forward after a challenging period in your partnership/ marriage can be an opportunity for self-discovery and new beginnings. Set personal goals for your future, whether they relate to your career, personal development, or new relationships. Build a Support System by surrounding yourself with supportive friends, family, and community resources. If necessary, Seek Closure. Find ways to seek closure and peace with the past, whether through counselling or therapy, spiritual practices, or personal reflection. Finally it may be time to Embrace Change. Embrace the changes and opportunities that come with this new phase of your life.

Conclusion

When one partner has checked out of a relationship or marriage, it’s a deeply challenging and painful experience. However, by recognizing the signs, engaging in open communication, seeking professional help with a psychologist, counsellor, or psychotherapist through individual counselling or couples counselling / marriage counselling, focusing on self-care, and evaluating the relationship, you can navigate this difficult period. Whether you work towards rebuilding the relationship or decide to move on, it’s essential to prioritize your well-being and future happiness.

Book a session with me to explore your relationship concerns today.