When and How to Compromise?
by Natasha Larkin
Counsellor / Career Coach / Parenting Coach
When and How to Compromise?
How much is too much when compromising? I want to keep the peace but really, this is too much of a compromise or do I even need to compromise on this? Are you starting to wonder about when and how to compromise?
Sometimes without noticing, are you giving away too much which is leading to your unhappiness and not receiving what you need from your relationship? You shouldn’t compromise when your core values are being compromised. An example would be being asked to be in an open relationship. Or if that compromise results in boundary violations in a relationship. You might be asked to do something that feels unsafe. If you find that you're the only one making compromises, big and small, it may be time to look at your relationship.
So ask yourself some of these questions first:
1. Is it just you compromising?
2. Do you put your happiness last and compromise every single time?
3. Are you always the one apologising?
4. Have your family and friends noticed you always give in to your partner?
5. Are you constantly exhausted?
6. Do you feel appreciated by your partner?
7. Are you scared of losing them or protecting yourself in fear of their action/s?
Do any of these sound familiar to you? Did you answer “YES” to all the above? If so, it is time to make a change.
Compromising in a Relationship
Dr Jacqui Gabb states “compromise is being open to a partner rather than digging into a position, and understanding that this isn’t about giving way or winning, but about listening to a partner and hearing what they have to say”. (How to Compromise in a Relationship (5 Tips) | Paired)
An example of when you might find yourself offering a lot of compromise is with emotional and physical intimacy. That represents a big component of what feels like a healthy relationship as those parts fill our cup with goodness and happiness if we receive the right amount. If you both agree on the importance of these two, whether one is more important than the other or they are equally important, then this is good, and the partners can mutually satisfy their needs. But if one partner disagrees on the importance of them and one partner values physical intimacy more emotional intimacy while the other needs emotional intimacy more, then it may be more difficult for the relationship to meet both partners' needs. What may happen in this scenario is regret or resentment or confusion. So, it is important to work this out.
It would be good to start with changing to small compromises. The situation is not as hopeless as it feels. Knowing you can hold your ground somehow gives you the freedom to discuss and accept choices that were not available before. Don't think about it as a negotiation and appreciate that disagreement can reset and jump-start growth. Embrace it. When you have a problem or feel like there is a problem, look at compromise as an invitation to work together.
Another example might be working through social commitments in relationships. How do you balance each partner’s social preferences when you both have different views and needs? One might like to go out socially all the time and stay late and the other may like to stay at home more and be in small groups only. So how do you compromise? Look at three pointers so both feel comfortable and respected by:
· Find middle ground on attending events
· Discuss expectations for quality time
· Share between each other’s social circles
7 Tips for Successful Compromising
People who give more in a relationship can experience low self-esteem. You may always be giving into your partner, you may start to lose yourself. How do you think it will work where both are you compromising and not just you? If you are the only one making them, then you need to address this. If you partner is willing to do the same, then this conversation is of value but if your partner it not, then this will need to be worked through. Your feelings are important as your partner’s happiness.
Consider the following:
Have a respectful discussion and express your feelings and viewpoint without interruption. Why is this matter important to you? Listen, listen and listen more.
Acknowledge each other’s feelings. Even if you don’t agree with them, acknowledge their feelings.
Be willing to give and take: It’s important to be willing to give and take. Only wanting things your way is not conducive to a healthy and happy relationship.
Look for solutions together: Work with your partner to find a solution together. Discuss the pros and cons and choose the option that works best for both of you. This may mean doing things your way, their way, or finding another option altogether.
Make compromises lovingly: Remember that compromise is a loving gesture and not a punishment or a sacrifice. If you are the one compromising on something, do it graciously and lovingly.
Appreciate your partner’s compromises: If your partner is compromising on something for you, be mindful and appreciative of it.
Avoid reacting emotionally: You may get angry or upset if things don’t go your way, which can make things worse. If you can't reach an agreement right away and feel yourself getting frustrated, take a moment to stop, pause, and think before you react.
Seek couples therapy: If you and your partner often find yourselves struggling with conflict and unable to compromise, it may be helpful to work with a psychologist/counsellor/psychotherapist so they can help you talk through your issues and find solutions together.
Conclusion
Compromise is not to be confused with sacrifice, which is either a solo act done for a partner's happiness or a situation where one partner's giving is disproportionate to the other. True compromise involves mutual respect and giving for the growth of the partnership. When we compromise, we validate our partner’s feelings, needs, desires, and aspirations. We are showing them that we respect them, their needs matter, and that their point of view is valuable even though it’s different from our own.
About the author
Natasha is an experienced counselor and life coach with over 18 years of international experience. Natasha has worked with diverse cultural backgrounds across Australia, Singapore, and the UAE. With expertise in human resources and life coaching spanning over 25 years, she specializes in stress management, career transition, and conflict resolution.
Guided by the philosophy that our past influences but does not dictate our future, Natasha empowers clients to overcome challenges, cope effectively, and embark on a path to happiness and personal growth. Her holistic approach nurtures lasting transformation.