To Stay or Go? How Counselling Can Help You Make the Tough Decision in Your Relationship
By Ho Shee Wai
Director/Registered Psychologist
To Stay or Go? How Counselling Can Help You Make the Tough Decision in Your Relationship
Are you at a cross-road in your couple relationship or marriage? Are you questioning whether it’s time to bite the bullet and go or give it one more try and stay? Find out how counselling (couple or individual) can help you make that decision.
Are you feeling uncertain about the future of your relationship? Unsure whether it's time to walk away or give it another shot? Being in a relationship crossroad takes an emotional and psychological toll on a person. Common feelings you would be experiencing is that of confusion, second guessing, doubts, being stuck or overwhelmed.
When you're at a crossroads in your relationship, asking yourself whether you should stay or leave is an incredibly challenging, emotional decision. It's often a question that lingers in the back of your mind for weeks, months, or even years, and the uncertainty can be overwhelming. Understanding the roots of this question and the emotional turmoil it causes is the first step in navigating through it.
Exploring the Dilemma: What Leads Couples to Ask This Question?
There are several key factors that can lead a couple to feel like they’re at a crossroads, unsure whether to stay or leave. Let's break down some of the most common reasons why people find themselves asking this tough question:
Communication Breakdown:
When couples stop communicating effectively, misunderstandings can spiral into bigger problems. In relationships where one or both partners feel unheard, dismissed, or misunderstood, frustration builds. Over time, this communication gap can make it feel like you're drifting apart. If you’re no longer able to have open, honest conversations with your partner, or every discussion feels like a battle, it can lead to serious doubts about whether the relationship is worth saving.
Loss of Intimacy and Connection:
Intimacy in a relationship isn’t just about physical closeness; it’s also about emotional connection. When couples experience a decline in emotional or physical intimacy, it can feel like you're living parallel lives, rather than sharing a life together. This sense of distance can be particularly painful, especially when you're still physically present but emotionally absent from each other. This lack of connection often triggers the question: Is this really the person I want to grow old with?
Constant Conflict and Arguing:
Repeated arguments, ongoing conflict, or a pattern of unhealthy interactions can create a toxic environment in a relationship. When you find yourselves fighting over the same issues again and again—whether it's about money, family, kids, or even daily habits—it can leave you feeling exhausted and defeated. In many cases, couples stop believing that these conflicts can ever be resolved, which fuels doubts about the relationship’s future.
Trust Issues or Infidelity:
Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and when that trust is broken, it can be incredibly difficult to rebuild. Infidelity, dishonesty, or other breaches of trust leave deep emotional scars. The question of whether to stay or go is often intensified by feelings of betrayal and the fear of being hurt again. Some people may wonder if the relationship can ever heal after such a breach, while others may feel that leaving is the only way to protect themselves from further pain.
Personal Growth and Changing Priorities:
People change over time, and sometimes these changes can lead to growing apart. In relationships where one or both partners feel they’ve outgrown each other, or no longer share the same goals, interests, or values, staying together can seem like an impossible task. Personal growth, changing priorities, and evolving life circumstances can create tension if one partner is growing in a different direction than the other. In these cases, the question of staying or going often arises from the realization that you no longer feel like a team.
Fear of the Unknown:
Fear is a powerful force in relationships. Even when things aren't perfect, the thought of leaving the relationship can feel terrifying. The uncertainty of being single, navigating life without your partner, or facing the societal judgment of a breakup or divorce can make staying in the relationship seem like the safer option, even if it’s not making you happy. Fear can trap you in a cycle of indecision, where you constantly question if leaving is the right choice or if you're just afraid of change.
The Emotional Struggle of Deciding Whether to End Things or Work Through the Challenges
Once these issues arise, the emotional toll can be significant. It's common to feel torn between two opposing forces:
1. The desire to fix things
You might still have love for your partner, or you might be afraid of losing the life you’ve built together. The idea of working through the problems can be appealing, especially if you remember the happy moments you shared in the past.
2. The need to protect yourself
On the other hand, you might feel exhausted, hurt, and emotionally drained. You might be questioning whether staying in the relationship is doing more harm than good. It’s a form of self-preservation: protecting yourself from further disappointment, neglect, or emotional pain.
This emotional tug-of-war can create a sense of paralysis. You might find yourself stuck, unable to make any concrete decisions, unsure whether to leave or try to salvage what’s left. It can feel like you’re constantly questioning your own judgment: Is this just a rough patch? Is it worth working through these challenges? Or have things gone too far for repair?
The Impact of Unresolved Issues on Mental and Emotional Well-Being
When these doubts linger without resolution, they can take a toll on both your mental and emotional health. The stress of living with uncertainty can lead to feelings of anxiety, depression, and emotional exhaustion. You may experience:
Constant Worry:
The worry of making the “wrong” choice can create chronic stress and lead to a sense of emotional paralysis. You may find yourself overthinking every conversation, decision, and action within the relationship.
Loss of Self-Esteem:
The constant questioning and conflict can erode your self-worth. You may start to internalize the issues in the relationship, thinking that you’re the problem or that you’re somehow "failing" as a partner.
Feeling Disconnected from Yourself:
In relationships where there's ongoing emotional conflict or neglect, individuals often begin to lose touch with their own needs, desires, and personal goals. When you’re always focused on the relationship, it can be hard to maintain your own sense of identity.
Chronic Stress and Physical Symptoms:
Emotional strain from indecision can lead to physical symptoms like insomnia, headaches, digestive issues, or a weakened immune system, exacerbating the mental and emotional stress.
These negative effects further complicate the decision-making process, as you may be making important choices from a place of emotional exhaustion rather than clarity and self-awareness.
How Counselling Can Bring Clarity
This is where professional counselling can play a crucial role. A psychologist, counsellor, or a relationship therapist—whether working with you individually or with your partner—can help you unpack the complex emotions, understand the underlying issues, and gain insight into what might be at the heart of your doubts. With expert guidance, you can explore your feelings in a safe, non-judgmental space and start working toward clarity. Therapy doesn’t promise to give you an easy answer, but it does help you understand your emotions, patterns of behaviours, and relationship dynamics in a deeper way—helping you make the best possible decision for your future, whether that’s staying and working things out or choosing to move on.
The Role of Counselling in Making the Right Decision
The Benefits of Couples Counselling:
During this period of doubt, couple counselling offers a safe space for open communication. The couple is able to address underlying issues with the help of a professional psychologist, counsellor, or relationship therapist. It helps the couple improve their conflict resolution skills and understanding each other's needs.
Individual Counselling:
Individual counselling can help you gain clarity on your personal feelings and goals by working through your internal fears, self-doubt, and emotional baggage.
Signs You Should Consider Counselling
When Should You Seek Help?
If the following signs are present in your relationship, it’s time for your to consider counselling, be it individual counselling or couple’s counselling:
Chronic communication breakdowns, recurring arguments, or feeling unheard.
Emotional distancing or loss of connection.
Trust issues, infidelity, or unresolved past traumas.
Ambivalence about the future of the relationship.
It is important to seeking help early instead of waiting until the situation deteriorates further.
There are dangers when you are ignoring relationship problems, such as emotional burnout, long-term resentment, and mental health decline. Do seek help sooner rather than later for the sake of emotional well-being and future happiness.
Counselling can help you sort through your feelings, communicate better with your partner, and make an informed decision about whether to stay or go. There is no "right" answer, but counselling can empower you to make the best decision for your mental and emotional health.
Final comments
A common question I receive in the course of my counselling work with clients is “When do I know it’s time to go?” My answer is always “When you’re there, you’ll know.” It’s not me being deliberately oblique. Based on my more than 25 years of experience with people in this situation, there will come a time where it’s as if a switch has been flipped. There then is no longer any doubt. Therefore, as long as you are not sure you want to go, you stay; And if you are staying, let’s try to improve the situation.
Ready to find clarity in your relationship? Book a session today with our team today and take the first step toward making a decision that’s right for you.