Teaching Children The 5 Languages of Apology
By Ho Shee Wai
Director/Registered Psychologist
Teaching Children The 5 Languages of Apology
Help your child or teen to get out of their egocentric stage by learning how the 5 languages of apology. Learn how a psychologist, counsellor, or parenting coach can support your child/teen develop vital skills for conflict resolution and repair.
The Importance of Apologies
Apologies are important for relationships. Researchers have found that they can de-escalate conflict, repair trust, reduce retaliation, inspire forgiveness, mitigate hurt feelings, mend relationships-- and even lower blood pressure. Children as young as four feel better when they receive a sincere apology from a playmate after being hurt. For children or teens, Research shows that apologies are important because they help kids develop a better moral compass for realizing what is right and wrong. The key word is “sincere”. Most young children don’t view coerced apologies as effective.
The 5 Languages of Apology
The five apology languages are expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, genuinely repenting, and requesting forgiveness. The language system was researched and developed by counsellor and creator of the love languages Gary Chapman, Ph.D., and psychologist Jennifer Thomas, Ph.D., to offer various approaches to apologizing.
Expressing Regret
Expressing regret is the simple act of saying "I'm sorry." While it sounds simple enough, many people are not able to do that because of pride or guilt. Along with saying the words "I'm sorry," this type of apology involves listing the hurtful effects of your actions and showing remorse.
Accepting responsibility
Accepting responsibility occurs when someone earnestly admits they were wrong to do what they did. Along with acknowledging your fault in the situation “I was wrong”, the person should be able to explain what they did wrong and why it was wrong.
Making restitution
Making restitution includes finding a way to correct the situation. This is a common apology scenario if something is lost, broken, or damaged and the apologizer offers to replace the item or pay for the inconvenience. It can also occur in more serious situations if a person is deeply betrayed, and the person who did it makes it up to them.
Genuinely repenting
Genuinely repenting requires a change of behavior. With this apology language, saying sorry is not enough. What is required is to engage in problem-solving. Don't make excuses. Make a better, specific plan for change.
Requesting forgiveness
Requesting forgiveness places the power back into the hands of the hurt party.
Helpful Steps in Apologies
in a 2016 study published in the Negotiation and Conflict Management journal, researchers outlined a specific six-step process for apologizing:
Expression of regret
Explanation of what went wrong
Acknowledgment of responsibility
Declaration of repentance
Offer of repair
Request for forgiveness
How to Teach Apologies
Role Modelling
Model remorse and forgiveness. Parents have a big role to play. If we want our children to apologize and to forgive we need to do so ourselves. Modelling matters. When you make a mistake, take it as an opportunity to help your child or teen learn. Make your apology straightforward and sincere and ask for forgiveness. When your kids misbehave, resist commenting on their character and instead talk about how their actions impacted you ("It made me upset to see that you drew on the wall").
Encourage empathy (“What” of apology)
If your child or teen was hurt, help them learn to empathize with the person who has hurt them by explaining why that person may have behaved badly, example, "I think Matthew grabbed the toy because he saw how much fun it was and couldn't wait to have it.") If your child or teen is the one who has hurt others, encourage them to stand in the other person’s shoes by noticing their hurt feelings, example, "I wonder if you yelling at her made her scared." Young children may need lots of practice to understand their emotions and those of others but doing so can help children become more comfortable apologizing, and forgiving.
Think about responsibility (“why” of apology)
Understanding empathy leads to understanding and taking responsibility. When we ask our kids to say they’re sorry, what we are truly asking them to do is to take responsibility, that is to accept that their actions have consequences. The important thing for kids to know about responsibility is that if we do something wrong or hurtful, even if it’s an accident or we didn’t mean to, it’s a problem that we are a part of. Talking about what it looks like to take responsibility can help young children understand why apologies are important.
Talk about what happens next (“how” of apology)
Once you’ve practiced the what and why of apologies, it’s time to think about how to make an apology meaningful. Empathy and responsibility give kids the tools they need to take the next step in making amends. When we know someone feels hurt (empathy) because of something we did or said (responsibility), saying “I’m sorry” isn’t always enough. We need to help make it better if we can. When we offer to help fix the problem, we let other people know we care about them and that we really do want them to feel better. This is where we take our children and teens through the steps of apologies and the different language of apology.
How Counselling can Help?
When you find yourself in the challenging situation where your child is struggling with empathy, understanding, taking responsibility and the act of apologizing, you may want to consider taking the steps of seeking professional help with a Psychologist, Counsellor, or Parenting Coach. A Psychologist, Counsellor, or Parenting Coach can help figure out what is going on with your child and impart skills and strategies to help your child learn the steps of apologies. Often times the Psychologist, counsellor or parenting coach is able to identify some underlying family dynamics that is causing the child or teen to be having the behaviours that they are having and come up with ways to resolve it. Book in with our therapist at The Counselling Place Singapore now.