Most overlooked threats to a marriage
By Ho Shee Wai
Director / Registered Psychologist
Most overlooked threats to a marriage
When people think about threats to their marriage, obvious external threats that come to mind would be infidelity, money, in-law, etc. What is not obvious are some of the more subtle threats which can caused the marriage to crumple from within..
To quote the famous quote by U.S. Navy Master Commandant Oliver Perry during the War of 1812, written in a letter to Major General William Henry Harrison: “We have met the enemy and they are ours.” Let’s look at some of the most overlooked threats to a marriage.
Lack of commitment
Being in the era where everything is about fast, convenient and the emphasis on individual happiness, the idea of persistency, hard work, and patiently working on the "team" (i.e., couple) happiness becomes harder to conceptualize, comprehend, or buy into. Coupled with the fact that there are less external constraints (e.g., financial needs, societal stigma, etc), it's easier for the couple to call it quit.
The number 1 reason for divorce is the lack of commitment. By commitment we mean:
In good time, we commit to each other;
In ok time, we commit to relationship;
In bad time, we commit to commitment (which means working through whatever the issues/challenges we are facing).
How can we avoid the pitfall of the lack of commitment? We suggest for couple to try to work through your issues and challenges while you still like each other. Accept what you have now is the "base-line", don't expect things to magically "get better" after marriage; in fact, it often gets worse.
Apart from lack of commitment, let’s look at what are some other threats to a marriage?
a) Taking each other for granted
Why does this happen?
Many thinks "marriage" is the end goal. Once you reached that goal, you can rest on your laurel, and get on to focus on "normal life". Not understanding the "marriage" is just the start of the journey and a lot of work needs to be done for it to be continue strong.
We also have the expectations for what happened in the past to be sufficient "deposit" to weather what's happening in the future, forgetting that just like a normal bank account, no matter how much you started with, if you only keep withdrawing and not depositing, eventually it will run down.
What should couple do?
Consciously choose to practice daily appreciation of your partner. Think about what is good about your partner and the relationship, and actively express that to your partner.
Put in the work and effort to check in to ensure that your partner and the relationship is in a good place.
b) Not being able to handle change in your partner
Why does this happen?
Many of us have some picture of our partner that we have formed and felt that was the person we married. Often when our partner changes, we started feeling threatened and insecure of what that means to us and the relationship. What we often forget is that everyone is changing and growing each day, including ourselves. Just like we wanted to be accepted for who we have become, so does your partner.
What should couple do?
Make it your mission to be promoting growth and development in your partner. You can be the facilitator for your partner to be the "best person" they can be instead of a barrier.
c) Letting ego get in the way
Why does this happen?
When we get into conflict, we get tunnel vision into what we are arguing ABOUT forgetting who is the person we are arguing WITH. This is the person that you supposedly love and care about.
What should couple do?
Decide what is more important: to be "right" or to have the relationship. Often couple thinks they can have both which is why they let ego gets in the way. If they understand often it's "either/or" they would be more able to make a different choice.
d) Blaming and shaming your partner for how you’re feeling (when things go wrong in a marriage)
Why does this happen?
A lack of self-awareness of what's going on with us. Having an "external attribution error" mentality, i.e., if I am feeling hurt, someone must be hurting me. My partner is the most convenient person to blame as they are "there". Not understanding that there are many factors that lead to how I feel, most of it have to do with my own issues.
What should couple do?
Work on differentiating what is "mine" and what is my partner's contribution. Even if my partner is making a mistake, I still have choices and control about how I feel. Exercise grace and mercy even in situation where my partner is making an error.
e) Prioritising the kids over the marriage
Why does this happen?
Many parents feel a huge sense of responsibilities, especially given that this tiny, vulnerable person is totally dependent on me meeting their need. We also get a lot of joy from our interactions with our kids, especially in the early years. We also think that our relationship is ok to be put on the backburner until the kids are "old enough".
What should couple do?
Realise that the couple relationship is the foundation of the "family". If this foundation is not well, it will negatively impact the children. And no, this cannot wait until the baby is 3 years old.
f) Power struggle
Why does this happen?
The couple is acting as an individual instead of a team. Having a team mentality means everything is "our problem" and "our fault" and we need to utilizing all resources (i.e., strength of both person) to come up with "our solution"
What should couple do?
Focus on the "greater good" and work together. Nobody forced you to marry this person, you married this person because somehow, sometime previously you thought you'd make a great "team".
g) Having resentful feelings for your partner, but not voicing them out
Why does this happen?
Many fear voicing the resentful feelings would threaten the harmony and create conflict. Some have the hope that with time, things will resolve itself and change somehow will happen without voicing it. Others had thought that what they felt resentful about is so obvious that there is "no way" that their partner does not know about it.
What should couple do?
Take the same approach as dealing with termite - go in with full force at the sight of even a tiny one. Do not let the resentful feelings build up, voice them as soon as possible. However, do ensure the way we raise them is in an appropriate way that result in an open discussion.
If some of these threats are currently present in your marriage, you’d do well with professional counselling support from a psychologist, counsellor, and a relationship therapist.