The Silent Treatment in Relationships
by Anne Ueberbach
Assistant Director / Counsellor
The Silent Treatment in Relationships
The silent treatment is a pervasive and damaging phenomenon that can erode the foundation of any relationship, leaving emotional scars and unanswered questions in its wake. This deliberate withholding of communication can be employed by individuals, partners, family members, or friends, and its effects can be devastating. Research by The Gottman Institute indicates that approximately 67% of couples report experiencing the silent treatment in their relationships.
What is the Silent Treatment?
The silent treatment, also known as stonewalling or the "cold shoulder," involves refusing to engage in conversation or interaction with someone, often as a means of expressing displeasure, anger, or frustration. This behavior can manifest in various ways, including:
Ignoring or dismissing the other person's attempts at communication
Providing brief, monosyllabic responses
Avoiding eye contact or physical interaction
Changing the subject or diverting attention
For instance, imagine a scenario where Sarah and Mike, a couple, get into an argument. Instead of discussing the issue, Mike gives Sarah the silent treatment for days, leaving her feeling anxious and uncertain.
Why Do People Use the Silent Treatment?
People use the silent treatment for a variety of complex reasons. Often, it serves as a means of avoidance, allowing individuals to sidestep conflict or uncomfortable conversations. 40% of individuals report using silence as a conflict avoidance strategy. Alternatively, the silent treatment can be wielded as a form of punishment, expressing displeasure or hurt without directly addressing the issue. In some cases, it's a tactic to regain control or assert dominance in the relationship. Defensiveness also plays a role, as individuals may use silence to deflect criticism or accountability. Furthermore, the silent treatment can be an attempt at emotional regulation, providing a temporary reprieve from overwhelming emotions or feelings of vulnerability.
The Impact of the Silent Treatment on Relationships
The silent treatment can have severe consequences on relationships, leading to:
Emotional distress: Feelings of rejection, isolation, and anxiety
Confusion and uncertainty: Difficulty understanding the reason behind the silence
Erosion of trust: Perceived lack of communication and emotional unavailability.
Increased conflict: Unresolved issues and unexpressed emotions can escalate tensions.
Relationship dissatisfaction: Feelings of frustration, resentment, and hopelessness (60% of couples experiencing the silent treatment report relationship dissatisfaction).
The Psychological Effects on the Recipient
Being on the receiving end of the silent treatment can lead to:
Low self-esteem: Feeling unworthy or unimportant.
Anxiety and depression: Prolonged emotional distress and isolation.
Self-doubt: Questioning one's own perceptions or sanity.
Trauma: Activation of past attachment wounds or emotional vulnerabilities.
Breaking the Silence: Strategies for Addressing the Silent Treatment
Set boundaries
Establish clear expectations for communication and ensure both parties understand the importance of open dialogue. Specify consequences for future instances of the silent treatment.
Example: "I value our communication, and I'd like us to agree to discuss issues promptly. If we disagree, let's take a break but reconvene within 24 hours to resolve the issue."
Communicate assertively
Express your feelings and concerns clearly, respectfully, and without aggression. Use "I" statements to convey your emotions and avoid blaming or attacking language.
Example: "I feel hurt and confused when you ignore me. Can we talk about what's bothering you?"
Avoid taking it personally
Recognize the behavior as a coping mechanism rather than a personal attack. Remind yourself:
Their behavior is not a reflection of your worth
It's likely a sign of their emotional struggle
You deserve open and respectful communication
Seek clarification
Ask for reasons behind the silence, and listen actively to the response, to understand any underlying issues, address potential misconceptions and prevent future occurrences.
Example: "Hey, I've noticed you've been quiet lately. Is everything okay? Did I do something to upset you?"
Seeking Professional Help
If the silent treatment persists or significantly impacts relationship satisfaction, consider seeking:
Couples therapy: To address underlying issues and improve communication.
Individual therapy: To work through personal emotions and attachment patterns.
Support groups: To connect with others experiencing similar challenges.
Model healthy communication
Demonstrate openness, emotional availability, and active listening. Show your partner that you value their thoughts and feelings, that you’re willing to listen and work through conflicts and that healthy communication is a two-way street.
Case Study (fictional)
Meet Emily and Ryan, a couple in their mid-twenties who have been together for three years. They have a loving and supportive relationship, but like any couple, they have their disagreements.
One evening, Emily accidentally forgets to pick up Ryan's favorite snack from the store. Ryan feels hurt and frustrated, as he had been looking forward to enjoying that snack all day. He confronts Emily about her mistake, but she becomes defensive and dismissive, saying she was busy and didn't have time to think about it.
Ryan feels disrespected and unimportant, and the argument escalates. In the heat of the moment, Ryan storms out of the room, leaving Emily feeling anxious and uncertain.
The Silent Treatment Begins
For the next three days, Ryan gives Emily the silent treatment. He doesn't respond to her attempts at conversation, doesn't make eye contact, and doesn't initiate physical touch. Emily tries to talk to him, but Ryan remains silent, leaving her feeling confused, hurt, and isolated.
The Effects
As the days go by, Emily becomes increasingly anxious and depressed. She starts to question her own worth and wonders if Ryan is still interested in the relationship. She tries to reach out to him, but he refuses to engage in conversation.
Ryan, on the other hand, feels a sense of relief and control. He believes that by giving Emily the silent treatment, he is teaching her a lesson and making her realize the importance of remembering his snack.
Consequences
· Emily feels unheard, unimportant, and emotionally abandoned.
· Ryan's silence creates distance and tension, making it challenging for them to resolve their issues.
· The lack of communication leads to misunderstandings and misinterpretations, further exacerbating the conflict.
Breaking the Silence
Finally, after three days of silence, Ryan breaks down and apologizes to Emily. They have a heartfelt conversation, and Ryan explains that he felt hurt and disrespected by Emily's forgetfulness. Emily apologizes for her mistake and promises to be more considerate in the future.
They work together to rebuild their communication and intimacy, learning valuable lessons about the importance of effective communication and conflict resolution in their relationship.
About the author
Anne is a a compassionate and experienced counsellor, who empowers her clients to thrive amidst life's challenges. Her expertise across Singapore and Australia spans mental health, career coaching, and multicultural dynamics, informed by her own expat experience and diverse family background.
Anne creates a warm and non-judgmental space for growth and transformation. Her empathetic approach supports individuals, families, and expats navigating life's challenges and transitions.