Relationship Resilience for Global Nomads: Exploring the Gottman Method for Nurturing Marriage Abroad by Nicholas Smith

Supervised Counsellor / Career Coach

Remember those dreamy moments in romantic comedies where couples gaze at the clouds, finding shapes and sharing laughter? While we may not have as much time for cloud-gazing in bustling Singapore, the essence of those moments - connection, shared experiences, and mutual understanding - remains crucial for relationships. These moments are even more important for a couple navigating expatriate life overseas, away from many shared experiences that can be familiar and grounding.

It can be easy for couples to drift away from each other's inner worlds when navigating an unfamiliar culture or making a new life in a new city. For example, when one spouse becomes the sole breadwinner, the meaning of a pay check might come to represent something different to each partner: maybe one might be thinking it reflects achievement but the other sees it as power, or security. Without being aware of it, a couple could start to hold different meanings about money which in turn could make it harder to relate to each other's thoughts, feelings, hopes, and dreams. A couple could start fighting about how to treat a pay day bonus, disagreeing if it’s an opportunity to make an investment or a chance to indulge in an exotic holiday.

This is where the Gottman Method, a research-based approach to strengthening relationships, can be particularly valuable for expatriate couples in Singapore.

Developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, over four decades of rigorous research, this approach isn't about transforming your relationship into a castle-in-the-sky fairy tale. Instead, it's about giving you practical tools to navigate the real-world challenges couples face, whether they are newly arrived expatriates in Singapore or long-term residents.

The Gottman Method offers practical tools to reconnect and deepen your understanding of each other. It emphasises building and maintaining detailed 'Love Maps' of your partner's inner world, fostering a culture of appreciation, and creating shared meaning - missing elements for couples feeling disconnected. No matter how your external and inner world shifts, the Gottman Method helps a couple stay emotionally in tune.

So, what exactly is the Gottman Method, and how can it help expat couples in Singapore?

It's All About the Science

The Gottman Method isn't based on hunches or pop psychology. It's grounded in extensive research, including observational studies of thousands of couples. This scientific approach means you're not just getting advice - you're getting strategies proven to work.

A New Way to Visualize Your Relationship

An iconic part of the Gottman Method's framework is the Sound Relationship House. It offers a floor plan for couples to explore with their counsellor to see where they could do better at reinforcing and strengthening their relationship foundations. The levels, floors, and walls map out how a couple can better understand each other's world, cultivate respect and appreciation, connect in everyday moments, strengthen a resiliently positive outlook on the relationship, address problems constructively, and move to support each other’s aspirations with a shared sense of meaning and purpose.

Focus on Friendship and Shared Meaning

At its core, the Gottman Method emphasises building a strong friendship within your relationship. For expats, this friendship becomes a crucial anchor when everything else feels unfamiliar. It's about really knowing your partner - their hopes, dreams, and fears - especially as they evolve in response to your shared and separate expatriate experiences. The Gottman Method helps build a shared narrative of your relationship.

Beware the Four Horsemen

You may have heard about Gottman Method’s' iconic "Four Horsemen" - criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These communication patterns are so toxic they can predict the end of a relationship with startling accuracy. For expats facing unique stressors, awareness of these patterns is crucial. Frustration at a partner’s reaction to living abroad, resentment over career sacrifices, or defensiveness stemming from a fear of failure in a new role are some examples of how moving to Singapore can add pressure to a relationship. The Gottman Method teaches you to recognise these patterns and replace them with healthier alternatives, helping you navigate conflicts more constructively.

Conflict is Normal (and Can Be Positive!)

The Gottman Method doesn't aim to eliminate conflict because, let's face it, conflict is a part of life. Instead, it aims to help couples manage disagreements more constructively. The Gottman Method distinguishes between solvable and perpetual problems, recognising that some issues will never be fully resolved but can be managed. Discovering the deeper meaning behind a disagreement about which school is best for a child can be a powerful way to connect deeper.

Practical Tools, Not Just Theory

While based on decades of research, the Gottman Method provides concrete techniques you can start using immediately. Examples include structured ways for couples to support each other after a difficult day – ideal for when you are both adjusting to new working cultures or lifestyles. Other examples look at how to better recognise and respond to a partner’s bid for emotional connection, ways to de-escalate conflict and reconnect after disagreements, ways to reach compromise and receive a partner’s influence, and physiological self-soothing techniques to calm your nervous system when everything feels overwhelming.

With incremental tweaks to how a couple interact, a couple can find their relationship is easier to view in a generally positive perspective, even during challenging times.

A Proactive Approach

Perhaps most importantly, the Gottman Method isn't just for couples in crisis. It's a proactive approach to strengthening already solid relationships, helping you build resilience for future challenges—a must-have skill for expat life.

For expat couples in Singapore, the Gottman Method offers a roadmap to not just survive, but thrive in your relationship. It provides tools to help you turn the challenges of expat life - cultural adjustments, career transitions, distance from family - into opportunities for growth and deeper connection.

Every couple is unique, especially in the diverse expat community of Singapore. The beauty of the Gottman Method is its flexibility - it can be tailored to your specific needs, cultural background, and relationship goals.

So, while you might not have time to lie back and watch the tropical clouds float past in Singapore's fast-paced environment, you can still create moments of deep connection and understanding with your partner.

Click here for our blog on how the Gottman Method can help a couple get curious about each other and have an adventure rediscovering each other’s inner world. To learn more about the Gottman Method, check in with the team at The Counselling Place. Our Psychologists, Counsellors, and Psychotherapists speak 11 different languages, and have expertise in areas spanning Gottman Method marriage counselling through to discussing life changes such as becoming an expat, keeping the romantic flame alive after moving abroad, and the challenges of expat parenthood. Book in a session with me now!

Relationship Resilience for Global Nomads: Exploring the Gottman Method for Nurturing Marriage Abroad by Nicholas Smith