Parenting Children who have Undergone Separation & Divorce
By Ho Shee Wai
Director / Registered Psychologist
Parenting Children who have Undergone Separation & Divorce
Are you going through separation or divorce? Do you have concerns about how your children or teens are coping? Learn what are the issues children or teens may be experiencing, what signs to look out for and how you can help as a parent.
In the midst of the chaos of separation and divorce, one of the main concerns parents have is to ensure that their children or teens are dealing well with this life event. Often, they are at a loss in terms of what to look out for and how to help. Of course the best course of action is to get professional support from a Psychologist, Counsellor, or a Parenting coach. It is also important for you as parents to be able to identify the issues and provide the support that you can as a parent. Let’s look at what are the issues for the different ages, what signs to look out for and what you can do to help.
Infants (0-18 months)
The issues:
At this age, young infant is the need of consistency of caregivers, environment, and routine, having emotional connection with the caregivers, and also receiving nurturing and love.
What to watch out for:
Sleeping changes
Eating changes
Clingy behaviours or difficulty separating
What parents can do to help:
Maintain consistency in people and routines
Change routines gradually
Avoid angry expressions and emotional outbursts in front of the baby
Don’t fight in front of the baby
Toddlers (18 months-3 years)
The issues:
At this age, in addition to the need of consistency of caregivers, environment, and routine, and receiving nurturing and love, the toddlers may have fear that the absent parent has disappeared and a concern about security, in terms of “who will take care of me?”
What to watch out for:
Increased crying
Trouble getting to sleep / nightmares
Demanding to be fed by parent instead of feeding self
Change in toilet habits
Increased anger (temper tantrums, hitting, etc.)
Clinging to adults or security object
What parents can do to help:
Give love and affection
Provide verbal assurances (Mom and Dad both say, “I love you”)
Maintain consistency of people and routines
Reassure the child that he or she will be cared for
Provide clear and concrete explanation of changes
Provide opportunities for the child to express feelings through words or play
Avoid anger expressions or emotional outbursts in front of the child
Don’t fight in front of the child
Pre-Schoolers (3-5 years)
The issues:
At this age, the child will have fear of being abandoned or rejected. They may also have doubts that they are loveable (“Did mommy / daddy leave because I was not good enough?”), and they usually tend to blame themselves for what happened (“Did I cause this because I was bad?”).
What to watch out for:
Regression in sleeping / eating / talking
Clinging behaviours / difficulty with separation
Increased anger
Increase passivity (over-compliance)
What parents can do to help:
Give love and affection
Provide verbal assurances (Mom and Dad both say, “I love you”)
Maintain consistency of people and routines
Reassure the child that he or she will be cared for
Provide clear and concrete explanation of changes
Provide opportunities for the child to express feelings through words or play
Avoid anger expressions or emotional outbursts in front of the child
Don’t fight in front of the child
Young School-Age Children (6-8 years old)
The issues:
At this age, it’s normal for the child to yearn for the absent parent and fantasized about the parents getting back together. They may also experience conflicting loyalty. They may have concerns about the parents’ well-being. They may also feel guilty that that they are responsible for the separation or divorce.
What to watch out for:
Sadness, grief, crying, sobbing, withdrawal
Fear of losing relationship with parent
Fear of losing order in their lives
Feelings of being deprived
Anger and increased aggression
Difficulty playing or experiencing pleasure
What parents can do to help:
Provide verbal assurance (Mom and Dad will continue to take care of them)
Assure them they will continue to see both parents (if this is the case)
Give child permission to love the other parent
Don’t criticize the other parent to the child
Don’t put the child “in the middle”
Older School-Age Children (9-12 years old)
The issues:
For child of this age, they have the tendency to see things as black and white (i.e., one parent is right and the other parent is wrong). They may feel shame or embarrassment about parents’ separation or divorce. They may feel the separation or divorce threatens their own identity. They may also feel a sense of powerlessness and conflicts in loyalty.
What to watch out for:
Physical complaints (headache, fatigue, stomach ache)
Intense anger, especially at parent they see as to be blamed
Alignment with one parent against the other
Difficulty with peers
Difficulty playing and experiencing pleasure
What you can do to help:
Listen to child’s feelings and complaints without taking sides or judging
Don’t criticize the other parents to the child
Encourage the child to see good in the other parent
Don’t fight in front of the child
Say positive things about the other parent occasionally
Don’t pressure the child to take sides
Support the child’s contact with the other parent (if this is possible)
Adolescents (13-18 years old)
The Issues:
During this developmental stage, the teens may feel distressed that parents may be unable to provide the needed support and limits. Their already stormy relationship with the parent(s) may be intensified. There may be premature or accelerated independence. They may also be asked to assume responsibilities at home that pull them away from their peers.
What to watch for:
School problems, difficulties concentrating, fatigue, etc.
Acting out emotional distress through sex, drugs, crime
Internalizing emotional distress, depression
Anxiety over intimate relationships
Grief over loss of family and childhood
Becoming distant and aloof from family
What you can do to help:
Provide opportunities for adolescents to share feelings, concerns, complaints
Discuss issues and situations honestly
Avoid relying n adolescents for emotional support
Don’t pressure adolescents to choose side
Say positive things about the other parent occasionally
Allow adolescents to have appropriate friendship and peer activities
Remember, you don’t have to do this alone. A Psychologist, Counsellor, or Parenting coach can help support you and your child / teen through every step of the way in this difficult time.