Improving Communication in Your Relationship
By Anne Ueberbach
Assistant Director / Registered Counsellor
Communication allows us to connect with others by expressing our thoughts, opinions and needs, across our personal relationships and professional relationships. While all relationships experience ups and downs, maintaining healthy and effective communication may be challenging, particularly for long-distance or cross-cultural relationships. Find out how counselling and psychotherapy can help improve your relationship communication.
The Importance of Communication in Relationships
Healthy and effective communication is a key element of a healthy relationship. It allows us to express our needs, feelings and expectations, while at the same time actively listening to others and to make them feel heard and understood. Effective communication is especially important in relationships that present cultural difference, language barriers, physical distance, as well as relocation stressors.
Strong communication skills allow us to effectively resolve conflicts, build trust, express our own needs while learning about others’ needs, build and maintain an emotional connection and problem solve when faced with difficult situations or challenges.
Types of Communication
There are 2 main ways we communicate, verbally and nonverbally.
Verbal communication is the use of spoken or written words to share information with others. Verbal communication can be passive, assertive or aggressive.
We are assertive, when we communicate our thoughts, feelings or opinions in an honest, appropriate, respectful and direct way, while being non-critical and non-threatening.
For example: “I am hungry, I’d love to eat McDonalds. How do you feel about that?” or “As much as I’d love to go on a date tomorrow, I have a lot of work to catch up on.”
Passive communication is when we allow for our own desires and needs to be violated or neglected by failing to express them clearly, or by expressing them in an apologetic or dismissive manner.
For example: “We can eat whatever you want” or “Of course we can go on a date tomorrow, I’ll just stay up late tonight to finish all my work”.
Aggressive communication on the other hand is when we put our own needs first in a demanding or even hostile manner. We don’t have to be shouting or using vulgarities to communicate aggressively.
For example: “We’re having McDonalds tonight because I say so” or “We’re going on a date tomorrow, I don’t care if you’re busy”.
Nonveberal communication is when we transmit messages or signals through behaviors and our body language, such as facial expressions, gestures, postures and eye contact. Such as avoiding eye contact, crossing arms in front of the chest, rolling eyes, loud sighs, etc.
Challenges of Cross-Cultural Couples
Cross-cultural couples often face unique communication difficulties due to their cultural difference, diverse backgrounds, language differences and potentially stressors associated from not living in their home countries. Such challenges may include:
Language barriers – Whilst English is the “world language”, it is not everyone’s first language, nor does everyone speak it perfectly or at all, which can create linguistic challenges across both personal and professional settings.
Cultural differences – Every culture hones their own norms, values and traditions, which may also heavily influence their communication styles. Such differences increase the risk of misunderstandings as well as misinterpretations. Not having one’s cultural norms, values or traditions accepted and honoured by their partner can also lead to additional stress and conflict.
Isolation from home culture/country – Moving to a new country is always challenging, but even more so if the move is to a culturally different country. Leaving behind family and friends also means losing a crucial support system, which can create feelings of being isolated. It is especially important for partners to be each others’ biggest support in these situations.
How Counselling and Psychotherapy can Help
Counselling and psychotherapy, delivered as individual therapy or couple’s therapy/marriage therapy, offer invaluable strategies and tools to help couples overcome communication challenges and to strengthen their relationship. Therapeutic approaches may focus on:
Conflict resolution
Learn valuable conflict resolution strategies to promote understanding and collaboration to reduce unnecessary stress caused by poorly managed disagreements.
Improve Communication Skills
Counsellors and psychologists can work with individuals or couple’s to enhance their communication skills through activities focused on fostering active listening, assertive communication, empathy and validation.
Building Trust
Trust is the basis of all relationships. By working on communication skills and addressing underlying issues, couple’s therapy aims to provide a solid foundation for rebuilding, establishing or strengthening trust.
Emotional Connection
For those who struggle to express their emotions efficiently or have difficulties managing strong emotions, counselling can provide strategies for emotional regulation. This then enables couples to get a better understanding of each other and to work towards common relationship goals, fostering a stronger emotional connection.
Problem solving
Couple’s therapists can assist in identifying underlying issues that cause misunderstandings, conflict, poor emotional connection, poor intimacy and distrust through various therapeutical approaches.
You can learn more about the benefits of couple’s therapy / marriage counselling here.
How to Improve Communication
Active listening involves listening attentively to your partner speak without interrupting or being distracted to fully understand what they are trying to communicate. Avoid interpreting or guessing what your partner is trying to say, and instead seek clarification when needed. Best practice is also to reflect back your understanding of your partner’s message to ensure you have truly understood them, which makes them feel heard and understood.
Pay attention to your nonverbal behaviors
Be mindful of your nonverbal behaviors. Negative body language, such as lack of eye contact, crossed arms or loud / aggressive tone of voice, will make your message come across as dismissive, defensive or aggressive.
Instead, practice open and welcoming body posture by maintaining eye contact, speaking in an appropriate tone, using appropriate facial expressions and being attentive.
Send a clear message
Regardless of how long you have been together, your partner can’t read your mind. Make sure you use assertive communication to send clear messages. If you feel misunderstood, clarify in a non-confrontational manner.
Validate & empathize
As the listener, make sure you validate what your partner has said and empathize with them, even if you don’t fully understand their reactions or don’t agree with them.
Use “I statements”
Focus on your personal experience when dealing with conflict or difficult conversations to de-escalate situations and prevent blaming, accusations and defensiveness.
For example:
“I feel disappointed when you come home late without telling me.” (I statement) instead of
“You never tell me when you’re coming home late, it’s frustrating” (you statement)
Seek couple’s counselling / marriage counselling
Effective communication is the basis of a healthy and strong relationship, but it is not always easy to communicate effectively throughout our busy day to day lives. Cultural differences, lack of emotional connection or understanding, as well as repeated conflict can hinder communication and create friction. Book an appointment with The Counselling Place’s multi-cultural team of counsellors, psychologists, and therapists to improve your communication skills and relationship today.