How to help your children transition from primary to secondary school?
by Shifan Hu-Couble
Counsellor / Psychotherapist / Parenting Coach
How to help your children transition from primary to secondary school?
As new year begins, new challenges lie ahead of students transitioning from primary to secondary school. This transition entails changes of different nature: physical environment, relational, academical, and personal. How can parents facilitate the transition so their children can grow and thrive during this phase? This article will address the question from various angles.
Firstly, we need to understand the common challenges faced by students who transit from primary to secondary school.
Anxiety adjusting to a new environment
Students need to adjust to a new physical and social environment. There is a lot of figuring-out: teachers’ preferences, new classmates, new schedules and subjects, and the new campus.
Increased academic pressure
Academic demands increase significantly in Secondary school. Students are expected to face increased workload and meet higher expectations regarding grades and performance.
Identity crisis
Students might experience a sense of confusion and uncertainty about themselves. They may grapple with questions like “Who am I?” or “What do I want to become?”. For example, a child who have considered himself as an avid reader might struggle with
Developmental change
Students start to experience changes in their physical bodies which include growth spurts, growth of body hair, change of voice, start of menstrual cycle for girls, and change in body shape and size. Emotionally, they will experience increased emotional sensitivity which might overwhelm them.
In addition to these challenges arising from the transition, students at this age also face unique challenge of adolescence.
The importance of friendship
As students transit to secondary school, friendship becomes increasingly important. Friendship is a source of belonging and security, self-esteem, fun, and shared experiences. As students venture out of their family system, they are more easily attached to their friends emotionally. As a result, they might be overly concerned with fitting in and being liked.
Heightened emotional sensitivity
As a natural part of development, teenagers feel things more intensely: happiness, frustration, sadness, and all emotions on the spectrum. Meanwhile, they have not developed mature regulation strategies which may result in mood swings, impulsive behaviors and strong emotional reactivity.
Before parents can jump in to help their children, they need to firstly spot signs of struggling.
Psychosomatic symptoms
Chronically high-level stress can manifest in physical symptoms such as headaches, digestive issues (diarrhea, constipation, acid reflux.), sleep disturbance such as insomnia, difficulty in falling asleep, or waking up during the night, and weakened immune system if you notice your children falling sick more frequently and take longer than before to recover.
Avoidant behaviors
When teenagers are overwhelmed by emotions and lacking effective regulation skills, they develop avoidant behaviors to protect themselves from their emotional discomfort. They might shut down and distance themselves from others. They might become quieter and less engaging in conversations. They might turn to distraction more often which might lead to excessive screen time. They might assert excessive control in their life such as dieting, rigid scheduling, and extreme cleanliness and tidiness.
There are numerous ways in which parents can help their children. I am empathizing the importance of a parent’s emotional awareness and capacity.
Be present
As a parent, you might not have all the answers in helping your child transiting to a new phase of life but being present both physically and emotionally makes a huge difference for your child as it sends a consistent message: you are not alone in your struggle. Struggling in itself is not devastating, it is struggling alone that isolates the child and impair his development.
Learn about your own emotions
You cannot give what you do not have. If you do not understand your own emotions and learn effective emotional regulation strategies, you cannot help to co-regulate your children’s emotions. What do you say to yourself when you are experiencing difficult emotions? Do you distract yourself? Shut down? Or rationalize your emotions away? When you elevate your emotional awareness and increase your emotional capacity, you are in much better position to help your children navigate through their transitions.
More specifically, what can parents do to help their children?
Watch the movie Inside Out 1and 2
I recommend all parents and children watching the movies as they make the information of emotional complexities, wiring of one’s belief systems and functions of emotions accessible and easily understood for viewers who do not have a psychological background. Knowledge is the first step to change.
Create casual moments of bonding
You do not need big events or special occasion to bond with your children. On the contrary, small and casual moments of being with each other can be more effective and sustainable: going grocery shopping together, having a haircut together, taking bus to school together. These moments, albeit uneventful, are anchoring moments where your children can rely on. This is a way of letting your children know you are present.
Treat your children as equal adults
A common parental mistake I observe in my practice is the rigidity of parental and child dynamic. Some parents continue to treat their children as if they have never grown up which often result in children’s rebellion. As your child develops as a person, your relationship needs to evolve to meet the different needs of your child. For example, your adolescent child might need less nursing needs (sleeping, feeding, etc) but more need for independent decision making (choice of friends, bedtime, etc.)
Get curious about your children
Adopt a beginner’s mindset when relating to your children. A child who is seen, heard, and understood has a healthy self-esteem which allows him to learn and grow in the world.
Seek professional guidance through counselling in Singapore
You parent the way you were parented as a child. If you did not enjoy how you were parented, you need to learn new ways to parent because it will not come to you naturally. Seeking professional guidance from a psychologist, counsellor, psychotherapist or parenting coach during times of struggle in your parenting journey is an effective and sustainable way to equip you with knowledge and strategies.
About the author
Shifan is an experienced counsellor, parenting coach and psychotherapist at The Counselling Place Singapore. With expertise in trauma and parenting issues, she supports clients in English, Mandarin, and Cantonese.
Shifan integrates talk therapy with body-based modalities like EMDR and Somatic Experiencing. Her unique blend of corporate and therapeutic experience empowers individuals, couples, and parents to navigate cross-cultural relationships, heal childhood trauma, and foster secure attachments.