More than just Parents
By Ho Shee Wai
Clinical Director / Registered Psychologist
The arrival of a child or children marked a new stage in a couple’s journey. Embarking in Parenthood is definitely a huge transition – priorities shift, roles are redefined, and the balance between freedom and responsibility undergoes a massive overhaul. All these are necessary to ensure that the child(ren) received the best care possible. Some couples described this stage as shifting sands where each day present new challenges and they have to decide and redefine.
For some couples, after this initial stage of transition, romance starts working its way back into their lives and they start gravitating towards each other again. However, for others, they slowly wander off onto two separate paths of estrangement. This is why many couples identify “having children” as the point when their relationship starts to fall apart when they show up for couples / marriage therapy
Why are some couples able to find their way back to each other while others can’t? Obviously, a lot of that has to do with the pre-child(ren) relationship of the couple, but let’s look at some of the challenges parenthood brings and what couples need to do to overcome that:
Challenge 1: Lack of Sleep
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture during warfare, for good reason. Without sleep, you’d feel tired, cranky, and irritable, but it also takes away your resources and ability to cope with other challenges of parenthood. Both parents will feel that you’re getting less sleep and doing more at night. This is worse when 1 parent is doing the night shift and feeling resentful that the other parents are getting more sleep (even though it might be their own decision and choice in the first place)
Solution: Make sure that you are getting your sleep, take turn to ensure each person gets their full 8 hours at least once a week. Utilize other support you may have (e.g., maid, your own parents, in-law). Sleep when your child(ren) are napping/sleeping (instead of deciding “I need to use that time to run errands or have my me-time”).
Challenge 2: Lack of Time
With the arrival of your child, what you need to do grew exponentially. Even if you don’t have tasks, you have a little person wanting interactions, care, attention, etc. Even with 2 parents pulling their weight, they will find they will not have sufficient time in the 24 hours to do what they, their partner, their child(ren), and family needs. Add work pressure into that, you will feel pulled from all sides.
Solution: Carve out time for yourself and your partner daily even if it’s 15-30 minutes. Carve out longer time for yourself and your partner once a week for at least 1-2 hours. You can never finish what you need to do so accepting that fact is the first step. Knowing that if you carve out these times, you would have more energy and resources to do whatever else you need to do more efficiently is also helpful for you to do that. As partners, support and help each other to do that (e.g., sometimes father to need to physically remove the child from mom and push her out of the house to help her get some me-time).
Challenge 3: Change in Focus
Before the arrival of children, it’s easier for couples to make an effort to think about each others’ needs, to the point when it can be second nature. After the arrival of child(ren), it naturally that that became the primary focus and the needs of the parents become secondary. Some might start thinking that “my child needs me, my partner can take care of himself/herself as he/she is an adult”. There are many instances where one partner is so focused on the child(ren) that the other partner feels left out. Even when both are in agreement that the child(ren) should currently come first, this is detrimental to the couple relationship.
Solution: Consciously remember to think of our partner now and then. Instead of just thinking “my child would like to …”, try to think of what your partner would like. Choose to do something nice for your partner regularly.
Challenge 4: Sex & Intimacy
How soon couples resume having sex depends on the mother’s physical and emotional readiness. In the early months, men usually have their normal sex drive but women may not due to estrogen levels being low during breastfeeding as well as having had their physical intimacy needs already being met by affections with their child(ren). It’s difficult to be sexual when you lack energy, time, and are not connected to each other.
Solution: Make a decision to not let this aspect of relationship go. Make time, space, and preparation for it. Be prepared that it may not be as spontaneous before children. Be creative and opportunistic.
Challenge 5: Difference in Opinion
Unless you are the rare couple who had discussed parenting styles, expectations, and values prior to the arrival of children. You will find that your differences in parenting can get quite heated. Even if you have discussed parenting before hand, reality and practice may be very different from what you imagined.
Solution: Agree to develop parenting styles together. You do not have to parent exactly the same as you are both different individuals, but having consistency and agreement in general principal on important issues. Be patient with each other, give each other the freedom and flexibility to find their style of parenting, and never stop talking to each other.
Challenge 6: Inability/Unwillingness to Leave your Child(ren)
Be it due to logistics and practicality that we feel we are unable to leave our child(ren), or our fear that some harm would come to our child(ren) if we are not there 24/7, or it’s our inability to pull away from the joy of being with our children. This inability/unwillingness to leave your child(ren) will have a negative impact on your child, yourself, your partner, and your couple relationship.
Solution: Understand that having other people interacting and in your child(ren)’s life is important for their development and growth. Do your due diligence in checking out the care-taker or care environment to pick someone you can trust. Even if the other care-taker(s) are not as competent as we expect them to be, know that it is unlikely for your child to come to actual harm. Even if your child(ren) may suffer some harm (no child(ren) had ever grown up not having some injuries or accident), know that firstly that too can happen even in your care and secondly, they will eventually be fine.
Challenge 7: In-Law Invasion
While you may be able to avoid your partner’s parents, you would be less successful in avoiding your child(ren)’s grandparents. Invasion can be in the form of unscheduled visits, demands for more time with child(ren), giving unsolicited advice, interference of parenting issues, etc.
Solution: Ensure you and your partner discuss your family’s boundaries and acceptable do’s and don’ts. Next, communicate them to both your extended families and ensure you and your partner reinforce them. Help your parents and parent-in-laws to understand why these boundaries are so important to your family’s wellbeing.
Support Available
Remember you don’t have to do everything alone. The changes required might be difficult for you to implement by yourself. Engage the help and support of a professional Psychologist, Counsellor, or Psychotherapist, both individually for you, your partner, and as a couple.