Handling Controlling Behaviours

By Ho Shee Wai

Director & Registered Psychologist

Handling Controlling Behaviours

Are you the type of person who need to be in control or are there controlling people in your life? When is wanting control healthy? When does it become something to be worried and concern?

Let’s look at some Q&A to understand control:

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

1.    What are some signs of controlling behaviour?

Some signs of controlling behaviours include:

• always needing to attribute fault / blame when something happens

• being highly critical of others / having difficulties to acknowledge positive in others

• having a need to avoid mistakes (by self or others)

• needing to know everything in details

• tendency to catastrophise

• highly jealous

• prone to use threat, coercion, or intimidation rather than negotiation

• Insisting on doing things your way

2. Is a controlling person always a ‘bad person’?

No, a controlling person is someone who’s just trying to feel safe in their lives.  This can come from having many bad experiences in their lives (and didn’t feel they coped).  This can also be a learnt behaviours (e.g., having a parent with OCD which forces the child to be very rigid and controlled, and that child grew up imposing these rules to others in their lives).

3. Where does a need for control tend to come from?

We all face pain and suffering in our lives, be it personal, work, or relationship related.  But we don’t just have pain; we agonize over painful memories, uncomfortable emotions, and difficult self-judgments. We worry about them, we dread them, we engage in all kinds of activities to avoid them. We want the suffering in our lives to be minimized.  Many people believe that unless they can eliminate these pain and suffering, they cannot move on to the next step in living their lives.  Therefore, they engaged in controlling behaviours in the attempts to eliminate the pains in their lives.

The belief in one's ability to exert control over the environment and to produce desired results is essential for an individual's well-being. Studies has shown that the perception of control is not only desirable, but it is likely a psychological and biological necessity. However, when taken too far this is where things become negative for the person and the people around them.

4. Are there any personality types that tend to display controlling behaviour more than others, and why?

People who are willing to be open to and accepting of life experiences (be it good or bad), does not need to be controlling. Those who believe that they can take on whatever life throws at them, does not need to be controlling.  In contrast, someone who is highly anxious and worrying about something bad happening AND not having the belief that they can cope if something happens tend to display controlling behaviours more than others.

5. How can you deal with a controlling friend or colleague?

a. Address their underlying concern/worry/fear.

Is your friend worried that you will not have time with them? Set specific time that you reserve for them and informed them. Reassure them that they are still your Best Friend/ important person in your life. Is your colleague worried that your mistake will impact them? If you are comfortable to show them the final work before submission, do so; if you are not, reassure them that you will clearly indicate your contribution (vs theirs).

b. Take ownership and responsibilities

E.g., “if we have to re-do this proposal I will put in overtime to do it, let me have a go in doing this my way.”

c. Set boundaries.

Clearly inform what is possible or not possible,

d. Express your feelings.

Perhaps your friend/ colleague does not know that they are controlling, tell them what their behaviours are making you feel. If they respond well and actually change their behavior, that's a sign the relationship can be salvaged. If not, you can create some space or choose to end the friendship entirely.

How can you deal with a controlling child?

a. Help your child to express their underlying worry or fear, reassure them, and reframe it for them.

E.g., “Are you worried that mommy won’t come back or something bad will happen to mommy?  Nothing bad will happen to mommy and mommy will always come back to you.  You’re going to be ok. You can find things to do while you wait for mommy to come. How about playing with the dollhouse that you like?”

OR “Are you worried you will not be good in this other new game? I’m sure you will learn this new game quickly like your favourite one because you have such good hand-eye coordination. Let’s try some basic steps so that you can see how good you can be. I’ll be worried you will beat me in this new game in no time once you get the hang of it.”

b. Offer choices to give them a sense of control and not get into a power struggle.

E.g. “Do you prefer to eat your vegetable first before your favourite chip or do you prefer to do 1 bite of chip with 1 bite of vegetable (but not giving choice of not eating the vegetable)”

c. Use Natural or Logical consequences

E.g., “If you don’t eat your dinner now, you will go hungry later (natural) OR If you don’t eat dinner now, you will not get to eat ice cream like everyone else who ate dinner (logical)”

d. Teach them to consider others’ feelings and need

“I know you really enjoy playing on the slide.  However, your sister had not have a go yet.  You would be sad too if you don’t get a go after patiently waiting like she did.”

7. How do you know when your own controlling behaviour is becoming a problem?

a. You use anger and negativity to get what you want

b. Your family/ friends/ colleagues withdraw and stop/ minimize communication with you

c. You are the default decision maker

d. You see compromise as a personal attack

e. Nothing they do makes you happy, even if they are doing what you wanted

8. How do you know somebody else’s controlling behaviour is becoming an issue?

a. You constantly need to put aside your feelings / needs

b. They are disrespecting your privacy and boundaries

c. You find yourself walking on eggshell because they are picking fights—seemingly out of nowhere

d. You are constantly feeling guilty or that you did something wrong

e. You start questioning your own experience

Strategies to Manage Your Controlling behaviours:

Manage your anxiety

Learn and utilize relaxation techniques, observe and change your self-talk, practice mindfulness, develop tolerance for your anxiety (allowing it to stay rather than try to make it go away).

Deal with the root of the problem/ heal past hurts

Find out what caused the feeling of unsafe and lack of belief in self-competency. Seek help from a counselling professional like a psychologist, counsellor, or psychotherapist to recover and heal from the past.

Learn to develop trust

Take small step to experiment what happens when you “let go”, take bigger steps as you develop trust in others.

Try something new

Deliberately put yourself in situation where you don’t have control, and learn that you can be ok.

Build genuine intimacy

When you are controlling, you are interacting with people the way you want / need them to be. Real intimacy requires you to find out who the other person really are and be accepting them, warts and all.

Therefore, be it you wanting to learn to change your controlling behaviours or you needing support to help manage some controlling people in your life, it would be helpful if you engage the professional counselling guidance of a psychologist, counsellor, or psychotherapist in order to live a healthier life.