Coping with Anger Issues

by Anne Ueberbach
Assistant director / counsellor

Anger is a normal and natural response to perceived threats. However, uncontrolled anger can become a problem affecting not only ourselves but also those around us. It can impact relationships, work, and our overall health and well-being.

Learn about how to recognize anger, common anger responses and how to manage your anger more successfully.

Recognizing Anger

Anger manifests in various ways from irritation and frustration to rage. Recognizing your anger signs early (e.g. increased heart rate, clenched fists, tightening of jaw, feeling hot, or raising your voice) is the first step in understanding and managing it. All of these physical symptoms are our body’s instinctive response to prepare ourselves to respond to threats.

It is also important to understand what triggers your anger – whether it's a specific person, a situation, or just a general feeling of being overwhelmed all the time making us feel as we are always at the verge of exploding, like a shaken soda can.

If unmanaged, anger can have several negative consequences, such as hurting our relationships with our loved ones, impacting our work performance, or getting us into unnecessary quarrels with store clerks. Long-term anger can also lead to physical health problems, such as high blood pressure, heart disease as well as mental health issues such as depression and anxiety.

Common Responses to Anger

 1. Withdrawal

Do you go to sleep when things get bad, avoid getting involved in problems, forget important things, withdraw from loved ones?  if so, your anger coping style is withdrawal. You are not meeting your responsibilities and are holding back from life.  This can lead to worry, frustration and anger.

Things to do to change:

• Vsualize yourself completing what you want done and feel the benefits

• Give yourself rewards for things you complete.  A good feeling can defuse the hidden anger and frustration

• Take small steps toward expressing yourself

• Make a list of things you need and want to do.  Also list your fears, but include the rewards for overcoming the fear

• Think of how you felt the last time you didn’t do what you needed to do (the anger, frustration).  Then think of all the reasons you don’t want to feel this way again and get started.

2. Internalizing

When you're upset, do you tend to keep it in, not express how you feel, or go off alone?  If so, you cope with anger by internalizing.  You are not only building resentment and anger, but you are probably causing yourself a great deal of internal stress in an attempt to relieve the pressure.

Things to do to change:

• Write down some reasons that you think you should not share your feelings.

• Separate feelings from demands you’re making on yourself.

• Understand that you can express yourself without anyone else being obligated to do something about it.

• Don’t speculate what others will think.

3. Outbursts

Do you often blame others for your problems, blow up, feel irritable, or cry if you lose control?  If so, you cope with anger through outbursts.  This may be the outcome of internalizing your feelings of helplessness. Shifting blame and responsibility for outbursts is a self-defeating response to anger.  This is passing on the anger to another and not addressing the problem.

Things to do to change:

• Become aware of the emotions that trigger the outbursts.

• Ask yourself why you feel the way you do.

• Ask yourself if there is a better way to express yourself.

4. Control

Do you like to do everything for yourself, feel impatient if you have to wait, or worry about things?  If so, you cope with anger by control.  Tour behavior is probably Type A – you try to control every situation and to plan for every possible problem.  Keeping control over one’s world becomes too much and creates anger and anxiety.  We become tired and frustrated taking care of everything around us.

Things to do to change:

• Evaluate all priorities and tasks.

• Confront the fear of not being in control.

• Look honestly at the beliefs and feelings that are behind your behaviors.

Helpful Anger Management Strategies

Identify Triggers

Before you can change your anger behavior, you first have to understand what triggers your anger. You may want to keep a diary to note down your anger episodes to notice patterns, identify how you have responded and prepare better responses for the future.

Take a ‘timeout’

One of the simplest strategies to managing anger is to stop what you are doing, count to 10, and take a deep breath before reacting. This can help lower our heart rate and help our body see that we are not under actual threat, thus making us feel less tense.

Get some space

Don’t be afraid to walk away if you feel unable to control your anger in any situation. Distancing yourself from the situation can help defuse your temper and give you a better perspective of things, similar to the “timeout” method.

Improve Communication

Anger often arises from misunderstandings, unmet expectations and low frustration tolerance. Improve your communication skills through practicing active listening and communicating your thoughts in an assertive, non-confrontational manner, especially when feeling misunderstood and frustrated. If needed, take a “timeout” before responding or expressing yourself to prevent saying something you may regret. 

Practice Relaxation Techniques

Relaxation exercises such as yoga, deep breathing, meditation, or listening to music can help you feel overall more relaxed, making emotional build up less likely. Such exercises are a great way to de-stress after a long day at work and work best when practiced regularly. Do not rely on relaxation methods to reduce your anger when it’s at 100% already. Instead, use it as a preventative measure.

Use Cognitive Restructuring

When we are angry we often engage in an “all or nothing” or “black and white” thinking style, which is unhealthy and unproductive. Try changing the way you think by replacing words such as "never" or "always," which are often overgeneralizations and exacerbate our anger.

Problem Solving

Sometimes, anger is caused by real and unavoidable problems. In such cases, focus on problem-solving approaches rather than getting angry.

Know When to Seek Help

If your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret, or hurts those around you, it's time to seek professional help. Our team of expert counsellors, psychologists and psychotherapists is trained to help you manage your anger issues successfully.