Building Resilience: How to Bounce Back from Setbacks

by Anne Ueberbach
Assistant Director / Counsellor

Unexpected Life Event

Unexpected life events are any events that come as a surprise - such as relationship breakdown, divorce, unplanned pregnancy, miscarriage, loss of employment, loss of a loved one, illness / injury, natural disasters, global pandemic, etc. - basically any unexpected changes and situations.

In most cases, we react to unexpected life events with confusion, fear, worry, anxiety, depression, grief or emotional outbursts. Do take note that as complex individuals, we all respond uniquely to stress and will have different definitions of what an unexpected life event is.

Understanding Stress

We all experience stress differently but some common, obvious symptoms include

Physical
·  Headache ·  Fatigue
·  Poor appetite ·  Muscle tension
·  Digestive issues ·  Teeth grinding

Cognitive
·  Racing thoughts ·  Poor concentration
·  Forgetfulness ·  Anxiety
·  Depression ·  Panic attacks

Behavioural
·  Irritability ·  Poor decision making
·  Substance abuse ·  Social withdrawal
·  Overeating ·  Skin picking / nail biting

Chronic stress can also lead to long-term health issues, such as increased blood pressure, respiratory issues, persistent shallow breathing and cardiovascular issues.

Common Myths About Stress

1. Everyone reacts to stressful events similarly
As unique individuals, we all react differently to stress and stressors. What may be extremely stressful to me (e.g. loss of employment) may be less stressful for someone else for various reasons.

2. Most popular ways to combat stress are likely the best
Unfortunately there is no one size fits all approach when it comes to managing stress and our mental health. Strategies that work for others might not work for you, and that’s okay!

3. No symptoms, no stress
Just because you don’t have any noticeable symptoms, does not mean you are stress free. Stress symptoms can often go unnoticed because we are in survival mode and identifying symptoms is unfortunately not on the top of our subconscious survival to-do-list. Many of us have also learned to mask stress symptoms with unhealthy coping strategies or medication.

4. Only major stress requires attention
Would you wait until your tooth that is developing cavities is rotten to the point of having to be pulled out? Most likely not, as it’s extremely painful, uncomfortable and inhibiting. The same goes for managing stress. Prevention is the key here!

5 Stages of Grief

Unexpected life events often incur a loss – a loss of employment, loss of a loved one, loss of possession (house/car/fridge), loss of safety, or even loss of a dream, hope or sense of self. When that happens, we go through the 5 stages of grief. The stages do to not always occur in a linear fashion. We may jump from stage 1 to 3 and back to 1. We may also skip a stage altogether.

Stage 1: Denial

Grief is an overwhelming emotion. It’s not unusual to respond to the strong & often sudden feelings by pretending the loss or change isn’t happening. Denying it gives you time to more gradually absorb the news & begin to process it. This is a common defence mechanism & helps numb you to the intensity of the situation.

Stage 2: Anger
As you move out of the denial stage, however, the emotions you’ve been hiding will begin to rise. You’ll be confronted with a lot of sorrow you’ve denied, leading to anger. While denial is a coping mechanism, anger is seen as a masking effect. Anger may mask itself in feelings like bitterness or resentment. It may not be clear-cut fury or rage. Not everyone will experience this stage, while others may stay in it for a longer period of time.

Stage 3: Bargaining
As the anger subsides, you may begin to think more rationally about what’s happening and feel the emotions you’ve been pushing aside.
During grief, you may feel vulnerable & helpless. In those moments of intense emotions, it’s not uncommon to look for ways to regain control or to want to feel like you can affect the outcome of an event. In the bargaining stage of grief, you may find yourself creating a lot of “what if” & “if only” statements.

Stage 4: Depression
Whereas anger and bargaining can feel very active, depression may feel like a quiet stage of grief. Like the other stages, depression can be difficult and messy. It can feel overwhelming. You may feel foggy, heavy, and confused.

Stage 5: Acceptance
Acceptance is not necessarily a happy or uplifting stage of grief. It doesn’t mean you’ve moved past the grief or loss. It does, however, mean that you’ve accepted it & have come to understand what it means in your life now. Look to acceptance as a way to see that there may be more good days than bad.

Resilience

So how do we turn unexpected life events into expected life events? With RESILIENCE!

Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress – like all the unexpected life events mentioned above. It means "bouncing back" from difficult experiences. Resilience is not a trait we either have or don’t have, but a skill. And just like any other skill, it needs to be practiced to become stronger. Resilient people are able to utilize their skills and strengths to cope and recover from challenges. Those who lack resilience on the other hand may take longer to recover from setbacks and may experience more distress when faced with challenges.

Managing Stress

In order to build resilience, we also need to increase our ability to effectively manage stress. There are many healthy coping strategies to effectively manage stress, such as:

· Building and maintaining a strong social support network

· Remembering past successes

· Breathing exercises

· Grounding / mindfulness exercises

· Engaging in self-care

· Taking breaks (lunch breaks, annual leave, sick leave)

· Physical exercise

· Seek professional help (our team of counsellors, psychologists and psychotherapists is here to help!)

Watch Out for Unhelpful Thinking Styles!

When we experience unhelpful emotions or stressful situations, they are usually preceded by a number of unhelpful self-statements and thoughts. Often there is a pattern to such thoughts called "unhelpful thinking styles". Unhelpful thinking styles are an automatic habit, meaning they occur subconsciously. Frequent use of unhelpful thinking styles can cause emotional distress and hinder our ability to manage stress effectively.

Tunnel vision focusing only on one part of a situation & ignoring the rest. Usually we look at the negative parts & forget about the positive, not seeing the whole picture.
Seeing only one extreme, or the other – e.g. you’re either right or wrong, good or bad, etc. There’s no in-between.
when we assume we know what others are thinking (mind reading) or when we make predictions about the future without any evidence.
When we make global statements about ourselves or other people – e.g. “I’m such an idiot” - which are based only on behaviour in specific situations. Is a little like overgeneralizing about people. The problem is, that by defining a person by one specific behaviour - & - usually one that we consider negative, we ignore the other positive characteristics & actions.
Sometimes by saying “I should…” or “I must…” we can put unreasonable demands, pressure & expectations on ourselves & others.
Basing our own view of situations / ourselves on the way we are feeling – e.g. we believe something bad is happening because we FEEL like something bad is happening, despite having no proof.
We may magnify positive attributes of others & minimize our own.
We basically blow things out of proportion & view the situation as terrible, awful, horrible, etc., even though in reality the issue on hand is rather small.
Taking one instance from the past or precent & imposing it on all current & future situations – e.g. “I always screw up”, “You never listen”.
Blaming ourselves for everything that goes or could go wrong, even though we aren’t responsible at all or just partly.

Building Resilience - How to Bounce Back from Setbacks