Adult Children of Divorced Parents
by Anne Ueberbach
Assistant Director / Counsellor
In 2022, Singapore processed 7107 divorces across its population of locals and expats, out of which 52-56% involved children. With the prevalence divorce rate, many of us are now growing up to be adult children of divorced parents Having gone through the turmoil of our parents' divorce, we now feel the past is over and we can focus on living our own life, cutting our past and leaving it behind. What we may not be aware of though is the continued effect of this hurt in our current, present lives as adults.
Short Term Impacts of Divorce
(impacting young children to adolescence)
Social impact
Difficulties forming long lasting friendships or relationships with others.
Difficulties resolving conflict or arguments with others.
Poor relationship with themselves, their parents, their peers, future romantic partners, and authority figures.
Behavioral Impact
More likely to experience anger outbursts, tantrums or crying.
Becoming quieter or withdrawn from friends and family.
Reduced school performance.
Increased impulsive behaviors.
More likely to engage in risky behaviours (e.g. smoking, substance use, or early sexual activity).
Psycholgoical impact
Lowered self-esteem.
Sense of loss of control.
Deep fear of abandonment.
Increased likelihood of developing mood and anxiety disorders.
Increased feelings of shame, helplessness, and guilt.
The impact will be more severe impact if the child is repeatedly exposed to conflicts, or is caught in the centre of conflicts.
Impacts on Adult Children
Many parents are aware that divorce will cause hurt and pain for their younger children or teenagers. However, many parents will also wrongly assume that their adult children (18+ years old) will not be affected by their parents divorcing. The reality is that even adult children feel the impacts of their parent’s divorce, both short-term and long-term.
Parents of adult children often lean on their children for emotional support during and after their divorce.
Divorcing Parents of adult children tend to overshare intimate details of their marriage and new dating lives with their adult children, which often leads to the adult child to feel uncomfortable or to choose sides.
It is often harder for adult children to repair broken relationships with a divorced parent due to other responsibilities.
A late in life divorce threatens older adults’ financial security. Their adult children are often left having to financially support one or both parents during and after their divorce.
A late in life divorce may reduce adult children’s level of social support from their parents. Ageing parents requiring care will rely more heavily on their adult children after a divorce than while married.
Adult children of divorce often carry incredible amounts of anger and guilt over their parents’ divorce, which is often due to the parents not having divorced sooner. At the same time, they may also experience guilt over their parents staying together for the children’s sake.
Long Term Impacts of Divorce affecting Adulthood
Do you know ...?
… A 2020 study by the Ministry of Social and Family Development identified that compared to children whose parents remained married, children whose parents had divorced (1) were less likely to obtain a university degree, (2) earned less, (3) had lower CPF balances, (4) were slightly less likely to marry
... Statistically, adult children of divorced parents have a high rate of divorce in their own marriages. They have to work harder to learn skills, communication tools, and techniques to build a healthy marriage.
... The risk of divorce is 50% higher when 1 spouse comes from a divorced home & 200% higher risk when both of them do. Adult children of divorce are also 50% more likely to marry another adult child of divorce. Good parenting can buffer against divorce-related difficulties,
... Divorce may liberate parents but it traps their sons & daughters for years, even when they are adults. It's a river they have to cross that other kids don’t have. They got to find out how to do it. Are they going to ford that river, or build a bridge over it, learn to swim or drown?
… Abandonment issues plague adult children of divorce for many years afterward. As children, they cannot make sense of why Daddy or Mommy has permanently left the home; as adults, the fear of abandonment—the lesson that “love stops” or that conflict leads to permanent separation—continues
….Parental divorce is never “over” for the child. Even though the pain from the divorce remains largely hidden or purposely disguised, the devastation continues, often in new and unexpected ways as the children get married and form families of their own.
…Their own feelings and experiences were either never solicited or systematically sublimated to the adults’ desires and feelings. Because of this, they overwhelmingly ended up sticking to “the narrative” given them by the parents (i.e., “This will be better for everyone”) and spent the ensuing decades managing and being ever mindful of their parents’ feelings.
If this sounds familiar to you, perhaps it's time for you to pause and take stock, do the healing required for you to be able to go forward in your life.
Our team of psychologists, counsellor and psychotherapists at The Counselling Place can help you on your healing journey.