A Useful Guide: How To Overcome Jealousy In Relationships
Experiencing jealousy in a romantic relationship is inherently uncomfortable and complicated for many. However, it's fairly normal to feel this way from time to time, especially in a relationship that is undergoing changes or is newly formed. In fact, it can even be healthy—but only up to a point.
While jealousy can serve as an opportunity to strengthen the bond between the two parties as long as it's addressed thoughtfully, allowing it to become an overly dominant emotion in your relationship will inevitably cause it to transform into insecurity, fear, insecurity, and various other negative emotions that can cause serious problems.
Understanding jealousy and where it comes from
When it relates to our relationships, feeling jealous is a natural reaction to a perceived threat—real or otherwise—where the jealous partner fears that someone may be trying to win their partner's affection. This emotion is also often associated with feeling anxious, contemptuous, and depressed, hence its well-known potential to be destructive and dangerous, especially if it takes root in an ongoing relationship.
When faced with situations that might provoke jealousy, those who struggle with this emotion may respond with fear, sadness, grief, worry, doubt, self-pity, and a sense of failure. While jealousy can stem from various reasons, the most common causes include:
● Having a poor self-image and feeling insecure
● Fear of betrayal or abandonment
● Intense feelings of possessiveness or a desire for control
● Having a misguided sense of ownership over a loved one
● Reliving a painful experience with abandonment
● Unfounded worries about losing someone or something important
● Unrealistic expectations for one's partner or relationships in general
Your first steps to overcoming jealousy
Wishful thinking will not do much to banish an insidious emotion such as jealousy as it goes right to the core of the self and becomes deeply rooted. But with awareness and effort, anyone can overcome such negative feelings. Of course, cases of jealousy in relationships will differ from one another, but many of the steps towards their resolutions generally overlap, and these include:
1. Acknowledge and openly communicate your feelings
The first step to addressing any problem is acknowledging it exists, so if you have noticed jealousy beginning to stir within you, it is best to get ahead of it by having a candid conversation with your partner. Communication is key to successful relationships, so confiding in your partner about how you are feeling recently is a good start.
Be honest about your thoughts on what you believe makes you uncomfortable, and create boundaries for yourself and the relationship. By talking about your feelings, you demonstrate healthy jealousy, which, when conveyed openly, results in growth in the relationship.
2. Identify the root causes(s) of your emotions
After acknowledging the problem, the next logical step is to get to the bottom of what is causing it. Since jealousy is an internal battle in many instances, some introspection is needed to identify where your feelings are coming from. A recommended starting point would be to reflect on your past and see if your prior experiences make you assume the worst in your partner or the overall relationship.
From there, you can leverage "I" statements, such as "I feel stressed out when X happens", to describe how and why you feel this way without jumping to conclusions or directing blame. Expressing vulnerability this way can help you and your partner grow closer as you learn and understand more about each other's needs.
3. Develop coping skills
Sweeping your jealousy under the rug will only make it worse, so once you express yourself to your loved one and fully comprehend the cause of your emotions, you may want to develop coping skills that can aid you in the short and even long term. Some proven ways of managing jealous feelings are:
● Challenge your negative thoughts: when it comes to jealousy, your thoughts play a big role in fanning the flames, from bombarding you with negative self-talk to fanning the flames of your fears. As such, do not indulge in your inner monologue and learn how to stand up to it.
● Remember that jealousy is a feeling: just like your other feelings, feeling jealous does not mean you always have to act on it. Therefore, remain calm and let the feeling pass.
● Steer clear of confirmation bias: once you decide that your unfounded suspicions about your partner is true, you will look relentlessly for evidence to prove it and ultimately see things in a way that reinforces your self-created narrative while ignoring the evidence against it.
4. Recognize that uncertainty is part of every relationship.
As with other worries in life, jealousy seeks certainty, and some people will even manufacture a crisis just to get it. However, as we all know, uncertainty is one of the many facts of life we cannot do anything but accept. So, make peace with the certainty that no relationship is set in stone. But should you choose to act on your suspicions, you may very well create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
5. Examine your assumptions about relationships
In some cases, feelings of jealousy may be fueled by unrealistic ideas about relationships, such as the belief that your partner's past romantic experiences threaten your relationship or the impossible notions that they should never be attracted to anyone else. Others may also take their jealousy as a sign of something wrong with the relationship, which some relationship therapists in Singapore dub as "emotional reasoning", which is generally an inadvisable approach to decision-making.
Whether it is these ideas, problematic beliefs on how you can feel more secure, trauma from early childhood or past intimate relationships, how we see interpersonal relationships are inherently influenced by our experiences and the insecurities or sensitivities we have picked up throughout our lives. Hence, it is best to examine these potential assumptions during your introspection, as they may be influencing your current emotions.
Conclusion
Jealousy crops up in many ways, and if left unchecked, it can turn into an all-consuming fire that burns down a good relationship. Open and honest communication in relationships allows both individuals to express their thoughts and feelings, fostering a deeper understanding of each other. Hopefully, the tips above prove useful in resolving this negative emotion before it can take hold, but should you find it difficult to deal with the help of your partner, engaging professional counselling services is the next best step you should consider.
We understand how challenging it can be to manage jealous thoughts and feelings on your own, much less talk about them. Still, by consulting with relationship therapists in Singapore and having an expert on your side, you can more effectively untangle the mystery behind your jealousy and work through this common hurdle in every relationship.
