By Ho Shee Wai

Director & Registered Psychologist

1. Understanding Love and Desire: The Core Differences

In relationships, love and desire are two fundamental emotional forces, but they operate in very different ways. Understanding the difference between these two can provide deep insights into why some relationships thrive while others struggle. By breaking down their unique characteristics, we can see how both love and desire play critical roles in shaping how we connect with others, how we feel, and how we act in romantic partnerships.

Definition of Love

Love is often described as the deep, abiding connection between individuals that transcends time, change, and external circumstances. It is about commitment, mutual respect, emotional security, and trust. Love grows stronger over time as partners learn to support and care for each other. In relationships, love is often marked by stability, patience, and understanding. It’s about truly knowing someone—accepting both their strengths and flaws—and being there for them no matter what.

In a relationship, love is the force that nurtures long-term connection. It involves a deep commitment to another person, where the focus is on building a lasting partnership based on trust and mutual support. Love can also be selfless, requiring partners to make compromises for the sake of each other's happiness and well-being.

Definition of Desire

Desire, on the other hand, is fueled by attraction, passion, and the craving for something that isn't yet possessed. It involves wanting something or someone with an intensity that is often rooted in novelty and curiosity. Desire is often more transient than love. It thrives on anticipation, the pursuit of something or someone new, and the excitement of the chase.

In romantic relationships, desire often refers to physical attraction or sexual chemistry. It’s an energy that keeps the relationship fresh, exciting, and full of potential. However, unlike love, which is grounded in knowing and understanding, desire often thrives on mystery and the unknown. It can be more about yearning for something more, something undefined, or something unattainable.

2. How Love and Desire Influence Relationships

Both love and desire are important, but their roles in relationships differ. When both emotions are present and balanced, they can create a healthy, fulfilling partnership. Let’s take a deeper look at how each one influences romantic relationships.

The Role of Love in Relationships

Love acts as the foundation of a relationship. It’s about building emotional intimacy and creating a safe, stable environment where both partners can thrive. Love encourages openness, vulnerability, and mutual care. Partners who truly love each other develop a strong bond over time, forged through shared experiences, struggles, and triumphs.

In a loving relationship, communication is key. Love allows individuals to listen to each other’s needs, express emotions freely, and offer emotional support when required. It is this deep emotional connection that helps couples navigate difficult times together, strengthening their bond even in challenging circumstances.

Moreover, love requires work—commitment and effort to ensure the relationship remains strong. This work may include managing conflicts, adjusting to changes in life circumstances, and keeping the emotional connection alive.

The Role of Desire in Relationships

Desire adds passion and excitement to a relationship. It introduces a sense of mystery, spontaneity, and fun. Desire is what makes partners look forward to being with each other, bringing an element of playfulness and adventure. It can also help create physical intimacy, which is important for many romantic relationships.

Without desire, a relationship may become routine or stagnant. Desire reminds partners of what drew them together in the first place and continues to fuel attraction. It can help break the monotony of everyday life, encourage new experiences, and create sparks of excitement.

However, it’s important to note that desire can sometimes fade as a relationship matures. This is completely natural, but it requires couples to actively work on reigniting that spark by creating opportunities for novelty and adventure.

3. Challenges of Balancing Love and Desire in Relationships

Finding the right balance between love and desire can be challenging, especially as relationships evolve. While love is about knowing and accepting your partner fully, desire often thrives in an environment of mystery and anticipation. Striking the right balance is key to maintaining both emotional intimacy and passion in the relationship.

When Love Overpowers Desire

As relationships mature, it is natural for love to deepen. The emotional connection strengthens, and partners may begin to feel comfortable in their routines. However, sometimes love can overpower desire, leading to complacency in the relationship. The once exciting aspects of the relationship, such as romantic gestures, adventures, and intimate connections, may fade into everyday life.

This lack of desire can cause partners to feel disconnected or bored. If everything about the relationship becomes predictable, the excitement and novelty of desire may slip away, leaving one or both partners yearning for something more.

To counteract this, couples need to prioritize activities that keep the flame of desire alive, such as planning date nights, trying new experiences together, or surprising each other with thoughtful gestures.

Finding the Balance

The key to a healthy relationship is understanding how to balance love and desire. While love provides the stability and depth needed for a lasting connection, desire ensures the relationship remains dynamic, exciting, and intimate. Couples should be mindful of both elements and make intentional efforts to nurture both emotional connection and passion.

Regular communication, emotional honesty, and shared activities can help couples maintain a sense of both love and desire. It’s about creating a relationship where both partners feel loved, valued, and desired.

4. Esther Perel’s Insights: The Role of Mystery in Desire

Esther Perel, a well-known psychotherapist and author, has gained widespread recognition for her views on love, desire, and relationships. One of her key insights is that mystery is a critical element in maintaining desire in long-term relationships.

According to Perel, while love is about connection and closeness, desire thrives on the unknown, the mysterious, and the longing. In her book Mating in Captivity, Perel emphasizes that desire requires a certain amount of space and autonomy. She argues that too much closeness can actually dampen desire because it eliminates the space for mystery and curiosity.

This doesn’t mean partners should grow apart, but rather that they should maintain their individuality and independence. By preserving some level of mystery—whether it’s through personal hobbies, time apart, or new shared experiences—couples can reignite passion and maintain the excitement of desire.

Perel’s advice encourages couples to explore how their relationship can evolve to preserve both the deep connection of love and the thrilling energy of desire.

5. How Counselling Can Help Couples Navigate Love and Desire

Couples often turn to counselling when they are struggling with balancing love and desire. Counselling can help by providing a safe space to explore these complex emotions and find ways to strengthen both the emotional and physical aspects of the relationship.

Counselling for Couples

Counselling can offer valuable insights into relationship dynamics. A trained psychologist, counsellor, or sex therapist can help couples understand how love and desire show up in their relationship and teach them how to communicate more effectively about their needs. In addition, couples counselling can teach partners how to manage conflict, navigate changes in the relationship, and reconnect in meaningful ways.

Individual Counselling

Sometimes, issues related to love and desire are personal. An individual may struggle with expressing their needs, or they may feel disconnected from their partner’s desires. In these cases, individual counselling can help people explore their own emotional patterns, develop self-awareness, and improve their ability to communicate their needs. The Psychologists, Counsellors, or Sex Therapists can work with individuals to uncover underlying beliefs or past experiences that may be affecting their relationship dynamics. This self-awareness can then be used to improve the relationship as a whole.

Rebuilding Passion and Connection

Through counselling, couples can rediscover the balance between love and desire. Couples can be introduced to techniques such as active listening, expressing desires openly, and engaging in new experiences together. By consciously working on both love and desire, couples can create a relationship that feels secure and passionate—one where both partners feel valued and desired. Book in a session with our team today.