by Nicholas Smith
Supervised Counsellor / Career Coach

Criticism Creeping in: How Life Abroad Can Spark Bad Habits

In our previous blogs, we've explored how the Gottman Method can help expat couples in Singapore build relationship resilience, rediscover each other through Love Maps, and what to expect in a Gottman Method assessment. Today, we're diving deeper into one of the most crucial concepts in the Gottman Method: The Four Horsemen.

Understanding the Four Horsemen

Moving to another country, like Singapore, with your partner can raise unexpected or unexamined relationship pressures. Sometimes, a problem can be a teething issue, like getting used to a different climate, learning a new language,  or figuring out how to make the most of an apartment space after living in a house. However, some problems can be more systemic and corrosive to a relationship. By observing more than 3,000 couples --- some for as long as 20 years --- John and Julie Gottman scientifically mapped which dynamics are most damaging to a marriage, and they identified four which they dubbed the Four Horsemen.

These Four Horsemen represent highly corrosive behaviours that can erode a relationship's foundation: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling.

Criticism often shows up first. It's habit-forming, very common, and all too easy to creep into a relationship when a couple is living and working in unfamiliar territory. However, it's important to note that criticism tends to escalate over time and is often exacerbated by stress, such as adjusting to a new environment. Along with the other horsemen, the presence of frequent criticism in a relationship is a strong predictor of relationship dissolution.

It’s the stress speaking: how pressure can sharpen our tongues

When we criticise, we are most likely not trying to hit below the belt. If you, like me, have ever said, "I have no idea why I said it like that, I really didn't mean it the way it came out", you're telling the truth. We don't mean to get personal, but when we're stressed, a lot of things happen inside our body that directly impact how we see the world and react to our loved ones. In short, deep-seated and hard-wired hormonal reactions inside our bodies put us into a flight-or-fight mode. That reaction, with an elevated pulse and focused vision, helped us evade sabre-tooth tigers on the savannah a million years ago. But in the context of today, as we stand facing each other inside a comfortable apartment building and awkwardly raise our feelings with our beloved spouse, that flight or fight reaction can make us narrow-minded, defensive, and more critical.

The challenges of expat life

If stress is a contributing factor, then living abroad is the perfect recipe for amplified criticism. First, consider that one (or even both) partners are changing or pausing their careers. On top of adapting to new cultures, languages, and social norms, there is pressure to navigate logistical challenges such as healthcare, education, childcare and daily life needs. This can be against the backdrop of unexpected financial pressures (hello, Singapore rent!) and social isolation, as it can take a while to build a new support community of friends. Not to mention, a career-driven move abroad can dial up workplace pressures and spark an identity crisis for someone who needs to get used to being a trailing spouse or the sole breadwinner.

How criticism manifests in expat relationships

In this high-stress environment, criticism can easily rear its head. You might find yourself saying things like, "You're always working late. Doesn't family time matter to you at all?" or "You just never check in with the children." You might also hear, "You always take me for granted. When was the last time that we went on a date?"

It can be easy to criticise a spouse for not learning the ins and outs of the new school fast enough, framing it as a character flaw rather than a situational challenge. Financial strain can lead to criticism if partners blame each other for financial decisions or spending habits. If one partner feels they have sacrificed more for the move to Singapore than the other, any of a range of setbacks --- from career to schooling or health --- could spark a critical comment.

 It can be all too easy for one partner to become the cultural trailblazer and the other to feel criticised for taking longer to find footing in the tropics.

The Gottman Method's antidote to criticism

Fortunately, what makes the Gottman Method so compelling is that not only have they mapped out the corrosive Four Horsemen, but they have also charted out the measurable antidote to each of these doomsday dynamics. For criticism, meet "the gentle startup", which is basically expressing feelings and needs without putting the crosshairs on your partner.

Here's how it could look:

·       Instead of "You're always working late. Don't you care about our family at all?", try: "I miss you when you work late, and I worry about the impact on our family time. Can we plan a family day this weekend?"

·       Or perhaps, instead of "Why can't you even figure out our new bank account?", try: "I feel overwhelmed that I'm holding all the family finances by myself, could we set aside time to handle these tasks together?"

Moving Forward Together

Adapting to life overseas is a journey you'll take together. By being aware of criticism and trying out techniques like the gentle start-up, you can navigate the challenges of expat life while strengthening your relationship. These skills will last a lifetime together.

Criticism is just one of the Four Horsemen. The others - contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling - are equally important to recognise and address in your relationship. In my upcoming blogs, we'll explore each of these in depth, providing you with the tools to build a stronger, more resilient relationship in your new life.

To learn more about how the Gottman Method can help you navigate the challenges of expat life in Singapore, reach out to the team at The Counselling Place. Our multilingual counsellors are experienced in applying the Gottman Method to help couples build stronger, more resilient relationships in the face of change and challenge. We understand the unique pressures of expat life in Singapore and can provide tailored strategies to help you and your partner not just survive, but thrive, in your new environment. Whether you're dealing with criticism, struggling with communication, or simply want to strengthen your relationship as you navigate this new chapter together, we're here to support you every step of the way.