By Ho Shee Wai

Director/Registered Psychologist

As parents, we are often frustrated by our children’s misbehaviours and our inabilities to deal with them.  This is especially true when parenting young children who have yet to acquire language skills.  Many parents are surprised to learn that there are purposes behind misbehaviours.  Understanding these purposes would make us more effective parents.  Here are the 4 common goals of children’s misbehaviours and some pointers on how to deal with them:

4 common goals of children’s misbehaviours

Goal 1: Attention

The desire for attention is almost universal in children.  Children prefer to gain attention in positive ways (e.g., praise, reward, etc.).  But if they can’t get positive attention, they then may seek attention in negative ways by misbehaviours. Kids prefer receiving negative attention from the adults (e.g., anger, nagging, etc.) to being ignored. Many parents see attention seeking as something negative. Why should your child not be clamouring for your attention? Would you rather your kid doesn’t care if you pay attention to them or not?

Solution: Instead of feeling annoyed and attempting to remind or coax, as parents, we must change our responses to show them that they can achieve significance through useful contribution.  We must focus on their constructive behaviours, ignore their misbehaviours or pay attention to it in ways they don’t expect it.  The appropriate way to give attention is to give it when it is not expected.  This places emphasis upon the parents giving attention rather than the children attempting to get it.

Goal 2: Power

The desire for gain power through misbehaviours comes from children feeling that they are insignificant or unimportant. Power-seeking children feel that they are significant only when they are boss.  These children are defiant and seek to do only what they want.  Some children in power struggles do what they are told but not in the way the parents want it done. They will find some ways to gain the upper hand by doing it badly, wrongly, or literally. This is a signal for you as parents to think about why your child would be feeling insignificant or unimportant.

Solution: Instead of attempting to fight or give in, parents must refrain from getting angry and must disengage themselves from the power struggle.  Using power tactics to counter our children’s bids for power only impresses them with the value of power and increases their desire for it.  Help the child see how to use power constructively by appealing for your child’s help and enlisting their cooperation instead. Teach them to value of collaboration instead of competition via story telling or playing games that require team work.

Goal 3: Revenge

Children who pursue revenge are convinced they are not lovable, that they are significance only when they are able to hurt others as they believe they have been hurt. Often times there are trauma in these children’s lives and as parents we’d do well to take notice and help support them to overcome these traumas.

Solution: Instead of feeling hurt, parents must be on guard not to retaliate.  As difficult as it will be, we must improve our relationship with the child by remaining calm and showing good will.  This helps to convince the child that he or she is loved.

Goal 4: Display of Inadequacy

Children who display inadequacy or inability are extremely discouraged.  They have negative self-esteem and believes themselves to be incompetence. This can come from constant messages that they have received that they are somehow not good enough. Since they have given up hope of succeeding, they attempt to keep others from expecting anything from them.

Solution: Instead of feeling despair and agreeing with the child that nothing can be done, parents must eliminate all criticism, and focus instead on the child’s assets and strengths.  Parents must encourage any effort to improve, no matter how small it seems.  Don’t be hooked into pity and don’t give up.

Finally, remember that all misbehaviours stem from “dis-couragement”.  The child lacks courage to behave in an active, constructive manner.  A child does not misbehave unless he or she feels a real or threatened loss of status.  The misbehaviours are done in the belief that only in this way the child have a place in the group, be it family or school.

When to seek help from a professional psychologist, counsellor, or psychotherapist?

It is better to seek help earlier than later. Even if you are able to manage your child’s misbehaviours via the solutions above, it is good to get a psychologist, counsellor or psychotherapist to check out that there is nothing more serious going on with your child. Sometimes, severe and persistent challenging behaviour can be a sign of a developmental condition or a more serious mental health concern.

Definitely seek help if your child’s misbehaviours seemed out of control, there is feedback from the school, the child is having problem doing work or interacting appropriately socially.

What can a professional psychologist, counsellor, or psychotherapist do?

A professional psychologist can help assessed whether the child’s misbehaviours are within the normal range or there are issues to do with developmental or mental health condition.

A counsellor or psychotherapist can help identify the underlying cause of your child’s misbehaviours which may be related to not just what’s going on with your child but possibly what’s going on with the family dynamics or the couple relationship.

A parenting coach can teach you strategies and skills to help you better manage your child’s misbehaviours and to encourage your kid to develop positive, helpful, and productive behaviours.

At The Counselling Place Singapore, we have various professional (psychologist, counsellor, psychotherapist, parenting coach) available to help support you to work through whatever issues or misbehaviours you might be facing with your child.