by Anne Ueberbach
Assistant Director / Counsellor

Toddler Tantrums – How to Stay Calm as Parents?

As a parent, navigating the phase of toddler tantrums can be overwhelming and exhausting. One minute your little one is happily playing, and the next, they're lying on the floor screaming at the top of their lungs. The “terrible twos” turn into “threenagers”, and before you know it there are the “effing fours”. Whilst these phases seem never-ending, the good news is, you’re not alone! Tantrums are a normal part of your child’s development, and with some strategies and self-care, you can manage the storm and stay calm.

What is a Toddler Tantrum?

A toddler tantrum is an intense emotional outburst, typically occurring in children between 1 to 3 years of age. Toddler tantrums are characterised by sudden onsets and usually last between 30 seconds to 5 minutes. Of course, there are also exceptions to this. A tantrum is usually extremely intense, making it difficult for the toddler to self-regulate.  

During a tantrum, the toddler may exhibit:

• Extreme Crying: Loud, intense, and uncontrollable crying.

• Screaming: High-pitched, ear-piercing screams.

• Physical Distress: Thrashing, flailing, or throwing themselves on the floor.

• Breath-Holding: Holding their breath, which can lead to turning blue or fainting.

• Aggression: Hitting, kicking, biting, or pushing others.

• Inconsolability: Resisting comfort or reassurance from caregivers.

• Loss of Control: Appearing overwhelmed, frustrated, or desperate.

Why Toddler Tantrums Happen

Tantrums are a result of your child's inability to regulate their emotions, communicate effectively, and assert their independence. They may feel frustrated, overwhelmed / overstimulated, or tired, leading to a meltdown.
Tantrums occur up to 80% of toddlers, with an average frequency of 1-3 tantrums per day. They peak between 18-36 months of age, but are the most intense around 24 months. There’s a reason they call them “the terrible twos”.

Managing the Tantrum

There are two main types of tantrums – distress tantrums, triggered by discomfort, pain or frustration; and demand tantrums – triggered by wanting something or asserting independence and not getting it. Given the intensity of tantrums, it is no surprise that parents often feel overwhelmed, anxious or stressed when faced with the xth tantrum of the day. Common parental reactions include yelling / scolding, giving in, ignoring, punishment, trying to reason, distracting, physical comforting, or remaining calm. Whilst there is no perfect way to handle tantrums, these methods often times fail due to them creating more distress and escalating the tantrum, reinforcing tantrum behaviors and creating power struggles and failing to address underlying issues or providing emotional support.

To better manage tantrums, parents should adopt the following strategies, which also foster a stronger parent-child relationship and support their child’s emotional development:

• Stay Calm: Regulate your own emotions to respond thoughtfully, rather than react impulsively.

• Validate Feelings: Acknowledge your child's emotions, showing empathy and understanding.

• Offer Choices: Provide options to give your child a sense of control.

• Use Positive Language: Speak calmly and gently, focusing on solutions rather than scolding.

• Set Boundaries: Establish clear limits while being understanding.

• Provide Comfort: Offer physical comfort, like hugs or cuddles, when the tantrum subsides.

Managing Yourself

Toddler tantrums can lead to parental stress, and in some cases even parental burnout. Parents often react to tantrums by feeling stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed, which, like any other prolonged periods of stress, can have lasting effects on their physical and mental-wellbeing.

Here’s what you can do to better manage your toddler’s tantrums:

• Practice Self-Care: Exercise, and prioritize activities that bring you joy.

• Seek Support: Connect with family, friends, or support groups for encouragement.

• Reframe Perspective: View tantrums as opportunities for growth and learning.

• Take care of your physical health: Get enough sleep, eat nourishing food, and stay hydrated. If we are skipping taking care of our basic needs, as per Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, we are setting ourselves up for failure.  

• Celebrate small wins: Acknowledge and celebrate your successes, no matter how small.

• Listen to music: A popular stress management strategy is listening to music. When it comes to toddler tantrums, listening to music on noise-cancelling headphones can do wonders for your mental health as well as eardrums.

• Take a break: Sometimes we just need a break from the noise and stress. Consider implementing a “parental time-out”, allowing one parent to take 10 or 20 minutes of immediate break away from the kids, no questions asked. In the longer term, planning time away from the children in the form of date nights, self-care time or outings with friends is also recommended to maintain a healthy balance. Taking regular breaks allows our body to recover from stress, which allows us to better manage stressful situations in the future.  

How Counselling and Parent Coaching can Help

Counselling and parent coaching can be highly effective tools for managing toddler tantrums. It provides parents with personalized guidance and support, offering effective strategies and techniques for managing tantrums, setting clear boundaries, and promoting positive interactions. Furthermore, counselling and parent coaching encourages self-care practices for parents to manage their own stress and emotions, leading to increased confidence in managing tantrums and supporting their child's development. By seeking counselling or parent coaching, parents can reduce the frequency and intensity of tantrums, strengthen their relationship with their child, and promote healthy emotional development.

At The Counselling Place Singapore, we recognize the difficulties parenting brings, which is why our team of qualified counsellors, psychologists and psychotherapists also includes highly skilled parenting coaches.

Final Words

Tantrums will pass, and with patience, understanding, and effective management, your child will develop essential life skills. By prioritizing your own well-being, you'll become a more resilient and supportive parent, navigating the tantrum storm with confidence and grace.