By Ho Shee Wai
Clinical Director / Registered Psychologist

For many couple, having children is the next logical/natural step after getting married.  It represents the start of the “family”.  Unlike other points of difference, for example shopping, where if your partner is not interested you can go off and do it with someone else (a girlfriend or your sister), this is something you can only do with your partner. What this means is that for the person wanting to have children, it is not just about “having children”, there are often a lot of deep symbolic meanings and dreams tied to this goal.  However, having children is not something one person in the marriage can decide by themselves and therefore they require the buy-in from their partner.  When faced with their partner not wanting to have children, there usually comes a huge sense of devastation, betrayal, and loss.  This is especially so if their partner has previously agreed to have children, or made some indication that they are not opposed to having children in the future.

The Gridlock

In such circumstances, the person who does not want to have children is now faced with the pressure from their partner wanting children.  They too may feel bewildered (especially if they had agreed on not having children and the partner changed their mind), pressured, and also being in the unenviable position of either standing their ground (and disappointing their partner) or doing something that pleases their partner but goes against what they believe.  For those who had previously indicated they wanted to have children, they would also feel guilty for no longer wanting them, but may also feel unable to move from where they stand right now.

This gridlock definitely represents one of the biggest challenge a couple can face.  Does it necessitate the end of the marriage? Not necessarily so!  What is important is for the couple to find a way to work through to a solution that both can live with.  It is also confronting to the person wanting children to identify what is more important to them - having children, or being with their partner who possibly may not change their mind on this topic. They also have to face the issue of identifying whether they are with this person in order to have children or whether they just want to be with this person period.

The Solution