By Paula Brunning
Counsellor, Career Coach & Parenting Coach

Some days are tough. We might complain. Our partner might come home and share frustrations. Our child might have had trouble with friends.  If you are like me, you may find conversations like these challenging when any suggestions don’t soothe the other person. If someone shares a problem, don’t they want us to take care of it? Probably not. Despite having the impulse to step in and fix things, that is likely to create a barrier in the relationship. Effective communication teaches us that what is most needed in these moments is understanding. It is in our initial response that someone can truly feel understood or not, and there is a strategy that can make the difference. It is called the empathy response. The empathy response is a powerful tool that can support connection and improve communication, particularly in close relationships like those with our partners and children.

Consider the following scenario: I have had a few stressful days with deadlines at work, my child is sick, and I am coming down with a cold too. I am counting on the next day when I have childcare and can catch up on tasks. Then, I find out that my caregiver is sick and needs the day off. Frustration sets in, and I turn to my partner, saying:

"I just can't handle it! I need a break. I'm exhausted, and I can't find any space to get things done or take care of myself."

Hearing this, my partner has two options for how to respond:

Option A: "Okay, well I could take off an hour tomorrow for you to go to the gym. We can order dinner in. That should help."

[Pause and consider: How does this response make you feel?]

Option B: "Well that sucks. You seem so overwhelmed; you've been doing so much! It's okay to feel crappy right now. I'm right here with you, and we will figure this out together."

Both responses come from a place of genuine care and a desire to make you feel better. However, Option B tends to resonate more with people. Why? Because most of us want to feel understood and seen, even more than having our problems fixed. We want our emotions to be acknowledged.

Feeling seen and understood is precisely what the empathy response accomplishes. It is a way of communicating that is rooted in understanding rather than fixing. Developing this response takes practice, patience, and can have a significant impact on our relationships. Here are three steps to help you practice your empathy response:

Step 1: State how you imagine the other person feels.

As in the example, you can say, "You seem so overwhelmed." The key is to verbalize your perception of their emotions. If you're unsure, make an educated guess. Remember, this is not a test, and it's okay to be wrong. This step directs attention to the core of their experience—their emotions.

Step 2: Guess or restate why they feel that way.

Summarize why you think they might be feeling the way they do. “You’re doing so much.” Again, it doesn't have to be precisely accurate, and they are free to correct or clarify. You can even pose it as a question, such as, "Is part of the reason you're feeling overwhelmed because you're sick?" This step helps connect their emotions with their lived experiences.

Step 3: Validate and connect.

"It's okay to feel overwhelmed. I'm right here with you."

You can validate their emotions by saying, "It's okay to feel _____" or "Many people feel _____ when they're in a situation like yours." The goal is to make their emotions feel less intimidating and all-encompassing. By normalizing their human experience, you provide validation. Connecting is about using heartfelt words that remind them they are not alone and that they are cared for.

If you truly want to support someone, let go of the need to jump in and fix their problems immediately. Instead, focus on understanding what they are going through. Attempting to understand and empathize is often more effective and meaningful than simply finding a solution, though that door is opened to explore once connection is made.

Let's explore some additional examples and scenarios to further illustrate the importance of empathy in effective communication and connection:

Parent-Child Relationship:

Imagine your child comes home from school upset because they had a disagreement with their best friend. Instead of immediately jumping in with solutions or dismissing their feelings, you can practice empathy. Say, "It sounds like you're feeling hurt and disappointed. Can you tell me more about what happened?" By acknowledging their emotions and actively listening, you create a safe space for them to fully express themselves. This empathetic response helps them feel understood and supported, strengthening the bond between parent and child.

Romantic Partners:

Empathy is crucial for emotional intimacy in romantic relationships. Suppose your partner shares their frustrations about their demanding work schedule. Instead of offering quick fixes or downplaying their concerns, try responding empathetically. Say, "It seems like you're feeling overwhelmed and stressed. It’s challenging for you to juggle everything that’s going on right now." This response shows that you recognize their emotions and are there to provide comfort and understanding, fostering a deeper connection between partners.

Workplace Interactions:

Empathy is not limited to personal relationships; it is also vital in professional settings. For instance, if a colleague expresses dissatisfaction with a project outcome and feels discouraged, you can respond empathetically. Say, "I can sense that you're disappointed with the results. It's understandable; you put a lot of effort into it. I’ve felt that way with a project that didn’t go as expected. I’m here for you if you’d like to discuss what we can learn from this experience and how we can move forward." By acknowledging their emotions and offering support, you create a more compassionate and collaborative work environment.

Demonstrating empathy can transform how we deal with frustrations and problems others share. The three-step empathy response is a powerful tool that moves away from fixing to showing understanding, enhancing communication and connection. By actively listening, acknowledging emotions, and providing validation, we can create connection and space where others feel understood and supported. Whether in personal relationships or professional settings, practicing empathy can lead to stronger bonds, improved problem-solving, and a greater sense of emotional well-being for everyone involved. I encourage you to give this tool a try and see how it can support you to respond with empathy and cultivate deeper connections in your interactions with others. If you need further support in learning this skill, you can book in with a psychologist, counsellor, or psychotherapy who can help you. Book in a session with me now.