Talking to Children About Sex
By Ho Shee Wai
Director/Registered Psychologist
One of the most important but probably the most awkward conversation as parents we need to have with our children is on the topic of sex. In discussing the topic of sex, parents need to realize that it is not one conversation. Real sex education is a lifelong pursuit, talking to your kids about sex is a lifelong conversation.
The “What”?
Age-Appropriate Sex Education Information
It is important to give age-appropriate sex information. The below chart is helpful for parents to know when to deliver what.
Age 0-3 years old
Physical contact (appropriate vs inappropriate touch)
Exploring body parts
Using accurate names
Answering Questions –where do babies come from
Age 4-5 years old
Accurate information
Nudity
Masturbation
Playing doctor
Age 5-7 years old
the body parts related to the sexual functions
how babies are conceived and born
puberty and how body will change
menstruation
Age 8-12 years old
the body parts related to the sexual functions
how babies are conceived and born
puberty and how body will change
menstruation
sexual intercourse
family and personal guidelines
birth control
Sexually Transmitted Diseases and how they are spread (including AIDS, HIV)
Masturbation
homosexuality
Teen
If the sex education conversations had been done during the younger stages, during teens, the focus of the discussion is Sex vs Intimacy. It is important for the parents to be sharing your values while remembering that as your teen moves into young adulthood, he/she will make private decisions about sexuality. You will have no control over those decisions. For the Teens, it is important to listen to your parents and consider their opinions carefully, even as you express your own values. Their experiences and wisdom may help you to make difficult decisions; but in the end, the decisions are yours to make.
The issue is less about the kid being ready to have the sex talk but the parents being ready to have the sex talk. The parents need to examine their own level of comfort (or discomfort and hang-ups), be armed with accurate, age-appropriate information, as well as the willingness to be approached on sex as a topic. Please note that sex education is not taking place separate from the general context of the parent-child relationship. If as parents you are not having other conversations with your child on other topics, it is unlikely that you will be successful in having this conversation on sex.
The ”How”?
How can we tackle this discussion successfully?
More than the what to talk about, it is the how to go about the conversation that is important. This is where you might get the support from a psychologist, counsellor, or psychotherapist to help you navigate this conversation.
Approach the conversation in a light manner
Because of the embarrassment and awkwardness, many parents approach the conversation in a stressful, tensed manner. This impact your child who then think this topic is something to be uncomfortable, ashamed, wrong to talk about. Many parents also take a lecturing approach because of their discomfort. Approaching the conversation in a light manner doesn’t mean we make a joke out of it. Instead, approaching it with some questions and curiosity “Hey, here’s a question for you, do you know where baby comes from?” or “Here’s a test, do you know boys and girls are different?”
Start from where your child is at
Find out from your child what they do or do not know. This is the chance for you to present facts, correct any misinformation they may have. Use age-appropriate languages to help ensure your kids can understand what you are trying to teach them.
Use tools
Use props or illustration especially with younger children as they are developmentally not able to understand abstract concept. Use video (e.g., https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikaogWXgMos) to help them be more engaged. This can also be conducted as a quiz or a game (e.g., https://www.playfactile.com/sexed8).
Use teachable moments
Instead of having a one-off serious sit-down lecture, parents can use teachable moments. A teachable moment is an unplanned opportunity that arises where you have an ideal chance to offer insight to your child. E.g., they met a relative who is pregnant. A teachable moment is not something that you can plan for; rather, it is a fleeting opportunity that must be sensed and seized. And there are lots of opportunities to get this right, make mistakes, clarify and try again. However, you do need to be prepared in terms of what you would be speaking about.
What are your or your child’s values?
Sex education is more than just discussion about biology. It’s also link to values you, your child, or your family might have. With older children or teenagers, you need to be prepared that they might come with different values than yours due to exposure to media or social media, peer influence, or cultural influence (for example you are expatriates living in a different country). The need to be open to discussing what they are thinking or feeling is important in order not to shut down the conversation. Be willing to explain the reasoning of your values (other than judgmental label of “good” vs “bad”, or worse “because I say so”).
Prepare yourself
Find out and prepare what you need to be teaching your child on the topic of sex. Preferably both parents will be having the conversation (individually or together) with your kid. If you are not confident, it is ok to get the support of a professional like a psychologist, counsellor, or Parenting coach to rehearse and help you deal with some of the difficult aspects, especially if you are seeing something that is of concern to you but don’t know how to approach it (e.g., porn usage).