By Ho Shee Wai

Director/Registered Psychologist

There is now a prevalence of blended families where 16% of children now lived in a blended family situation. Per the U.S. Bureau of Census, 1300 new stepfamilies are formed each day. In 2021, 19.5% of marriages in Singapore comprised remarriages for one or both partners. While parenting offer its challenges, step parenting offers another layer of dynamics that impacts parenting. There are many parenting information available but there are less available that specifically address those issues faced by a step parent.

General Step-Parenting Tips

Build Trust & Rapport

Developing trust and rapport takes time, and there may be resistance, especially if kids feel loyalty conflicts. Even when original parents are supportive of your presence, children can still experience their own stress around bonding with you.

Build Relationship First

Focus on establishing a positive, trusting relationship with your stepchildren before stepping into a parenting role. Engage in activities that they enjoy, and look for opportunities to have fun and create happy memories together.

Manage your Own Negative Reactions

At times, you might also have to deal with negative reactions from the child’s other parent. This could affect how your partner’s child’s feels and behaves towards you.

Discuss Expectations & Boundaries

You and your partner might have different ideas about raising children, guiding children’s behaviour, balancing work and family and so on. Therefore, it is important for both of you to be align. As a rule of thumb, the biological parent has final say on decisions for their child.

Set Up Routine

In the first 1-2 years, it often works well to be someone your partner’s child can depend on for the same things each week, like always taking them to the same activity on Saturdays. This can be better than trying to take on an active role in guiding the child’s behaviour as it gives the child the chance to get to know and trust you. Once you and your partner’s child are comfortable with each other, you can take on more of a parenting role if that’s what you, your partner and your partner’s child want. This will also depend on the age of the child.

Key points when Step-Parenting children of different ages

Preschooler (5 years old and below)

Because of their cognitive development at this age, Preschoolers live in the present tense; For example, they will not understand the finality of death or divorce that their family changes being permanent. Some will have numerous, repetitive questions while other may appear unconcerned or show little reaction. Preschoolers handle dividing their time between two households relatively easily. But their thoughts and feelings don't go away easily. And they may still fear abandonment by one parent following a remarriage / re-partnership.

Tips for Stepparents

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Repeat things often to help very young children accept what’s happening.

Reassurance about love.

Preschoolers needs reassurance, from their biological parents especially, that it’s okay to love the stepparent. Tell them this doesn’t cancel their love for their other parent. It’s possible to love both parents and stepparents. Do not make preschoolers (or any child) choose between parents or families. Understand that love for a stepparent won’t happen immediately.

Primary school (6 to 10 years old)

Children at this age may think their parents will get back together. Remarriage / re-partnership ends that illusion. This may restart the grieving process for them regarding the divorce and cause them to neglect school or chores

Tips for Stepparents

Sharing is Caring.

Give them ample opportunity to talk about their feelings. Let them know you understand their sense of loss.

Tween & Teens (11 years old to 17 years old)

Adolescence is the time when children begin to pull away from their families and start to test their independence. This is also when the potential for conflict increases in stepfamilies. Adolescence is a period of grievances. Divorce and remarriage tend to increase those feelings. Stepparent often become the target of resentment of adult authority.

Tips for Stepparents

Provide guidance.

Regardless of how the adolescent is acting, remember that they still need to know that the family will support them when they need it. Help them think through what might happen if they take various actions. Don’t make decisions for them, which might push them to make bad choices just to show their independence. Instead, give them safe options and alternatives, and then let them choose and learn from the natural consequences that follow.

Step Up.

If you’re a stepparent, you might be tempted to back away from interacting with preteens to avoid conflict. Stepparent and adolescent actually need more contact. They need to spend time together without the biological parent around. Spending exclusive time together gives the stepparent and the adolescent a chance to get to know each other better. This also fosters communication and companionship.

Give Space.

Some teens may want to spend more time with the non-residential parent while they adjust to a parent’s remarriage / re-partnership. Be flexible and let your teens have more say about the household where they want to spend their time.

Adult (18 years and above)

Defining your role as a step parent to adult children can be challenging as you are neither their friend nor their parent. Aim to be a positive adult influence in their lives.

Tips for Stepparents

Know your place.

Remember, this family existed before you came along and they have their own patterns of behaviors. You didn't raise these kids, and you may not agree with how they interact, their expectations or even the way they treat one another.  Accepting this can be tough at times. But doing so will help you further a better relationship with both your spouse and stepchildren.

Mind Your Own Business.

It’s easy to feel comfortable enough with people you love to say anything. When issues come up between parents and their adult children, let them work it out unless you are specifically asked. Respect their interactions with one another. Sometimes it is better to sit back and be an objective observer. In the long run, it will serve you well.

Conclusion

As a step-parent, it gives you the chance to play a central role in a child’s life. And it gives your partner’s child the opportunity to build a strong relationship with another adult. It also gives you and your partner the opportunity to strengthen your relationship by raising a child as a team. If you need help and support while undergoing this difficult task of step-parenting, why not book in a session with our Psychologist, Counsellor, Psychotherapist or Parenting Coach who can help you navigate this difficult role.