by Stacey Lee Henderson
Clinical & Organizational Psychologist / Parenting Coach

Self-Compassion: How to Practice It and Heal from Past Trauma

In the fast-paced, achievement-oriented society we live in, it is easy to become our harshest critic. We often hold ourselves to impossibly high standards, punish ourselves for any perceived shortcomings, and experience feelings of unworthiness. These negative thoughts can become ingrained, especially when reinforced by past traumas that shape how we see ourselves. Developing self-compassion—a deliberate practice of kindness and understanding toward oneself—can be a powerful antidote to self-doubt, shame, and inner criticism. Perhaps we ask ourselves how past traumas contribute to this negative perception of the self? Let’s explore practical strategies for cultivating self-compassion in our daily life.

The Impact of Past Traumas on Self-Perception

Trauma, whether it is from childhood experiences, school disciplines, romantic and friendship relationships, or other significant life events, can deeply affect how we view ourselves. Traumatic events often lead to feelings of helplessness, shame, and a fractured sense of self-worth. These experiences can create long-lasting emotional imprints, resulting in a pattern of negative self-talk, self-doubt, and feelings of inadequacy.

For example, individuals who have experienced childhood neglect or emotional abuse may internalize the belief that they are not worthy of love or not good enough. They find themselves in many situations in which they are not able to measure up.  These deeply held beliefs can manifest as chronic self-criticism, perfectionism, and a fear of failure. Trauma often leaves one with the experience of what is known as survivor's guilt or toxic shame, where they believe they are inherently flawed and undeserving of compassion or kindness, even from themselves.

Trauma often triggers the brain to protect itself, leading to hypervigilance and a tendency to over-identify with negative thoughts. In this state, we become trapped in cycles of self-blame and judgment, magnifying even the smallest mistakes or failures. Over time, this reinforces a negative self-image, a cognitive framework in which the individual consistently views themselves through a distorted, overly critical lens. 

Self-Compassion

Self-compassion offers a way to break free from these destructive thought patterns. Defined by psychologist Kristin Neff, self-compassion involves three key components:

Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment: Treating yourself with kindness and care, particularly during moments of struggle, rather than being harsh or overly critical.

Common humanity vs. Isolation: Recognizing that suffering and imperfection are part of the human experience, and that we are not alone in our struggles. This contrasts with the isolating belief that we are uniquely flawed.

Mindfulness vs. Over-identification: Maintaining awareness of our thoughts and emotions without getting swept away by them or allowing them to define us. Mindfulness enables us to observe our pain without becoming consumed by it.

Practicing self-compassion can be transformative, particularly for those whose self-image has been shaped by trauma. It involves reprogramming the brain to respond to pain and failure with kindness rather than self-punishment, fostering a healthier relationship with oneself.

Practical Ways to Cultivate Self-Compassion in Daily Life

Self-compassion is not an inherent trait but a skill that can be developed with consistent practice. Here are several strategies to help you integrate self-compassion into your daily life:

1. Recognize and Challenge Negative Thoughts

One of the first steps in practicing self-compassion is recognizing the negative thoughts that arise in response to mistakes or perceived failures. Trauma can cause us to internalize deeply critical beliefs, such as "I'm not good enough" or "I don't deserve happiness." These thoughts may operate on autopilot, but mindfulness can help us bring them into conscious awareness.

When you catch yourself engaging in self-criticism, pause and ask yourself, "Is this thought helpful or true?" Often, our negative thoughts are distortions based on past trauma rather than accurate reflections of our current reality. Challenge these thoughts by questioning their validity and reframing them with a more compassionate perspective.

For instance, instead of thinking, "I always mess things up," you might reframe it as, "Everyone makes mistakes, and it's okay to learn from them." This shift in mindset can interrupt the cycle of self-judgment and open the door to self-compassion. 

2. Practice Self-Kindness

When you encounter difficulties or make mistakes, consciously choose to respond to yourself with kindness. This can be as simple as offering yourself comforting words, just as you would with a friend who is struggling. Instead of berating yourself for falling short, try saying, "It's okay to feel upset. I'm doing the best I can, and it's enough."

Another powerful practice is self-soothing, which involves engaging in activities that bring comfort and relaxation. This could be taking a warm bath, engaging in creative expression, or practicing deep breathing exercises. By nurturing yourself in moments of distress, you can break the habit of self-punishment and cultivate a more compassionate response to pain. 

3. Acknowledge Shared Humanity

A common consequence of trauma is the feeling of isolation, as if we are the only ones who experience pain or struggle. This sense of separateness can lead to feelings of inadequacy and reinforce negative self-perception.

Self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering is a universal part of the human experience. Everyone experiences failure, loss, and emotional pain at some point in their lives. By acknowledging this shared humanity, we can shift our perspective from self-judgment to self-acceptance.

When you are going through a difficult time, remind yourself, "I am not alone in this. Others have felt this way too, and it's part of being human." This sense of connection can alleviate feelings of isolation and help foster greater self-compassion.

4. Use Mindfulness to Create Space Between Emotions and Reactions

Trauma survivors often over-identify with their emotional pain, allowing it to define their sense of self. Mindfulness can help create space between our emotions and our reactions, enabling us to observe our feelings without becoming consumed by them.

Mindfulness involves paying attention to the present moment without judgment. When difficult emotions arise, instead of suppressing or over-analyzing them, practice sitting with them and acknowledging their presence. Say to yourself, "I am feeling sad right now, and that's okay." This practice allows you to hold space for your emotions without letting them take over your identity.

By cultivating mindfulness, we can approach our emotions with curiosity and compassion, rather than avoidance or self-criticism. Over time, this helps reduce emotional reactivity and fosters greater self-awareness.

5. Write a Self-Compassion Letter

A powerful exercise for cultivating self-compassion is writing a letter to yourself, especially during times of distress. Imagine writing from the perspective of a compassionate friend or mentor, offering understanding, empathy, and support for what you're going through.

In the letter, acknowledge the pain you're feeling and offer words of kindness, such as, "I know you're struggling right now, but you're doing your best, and that's all anyone can ask." This exercise can be incredibly therapeutic, as it allows you to reframe your inner dialogue in a more compassionate way.

Writing a self-compassion letter is especially helpful for those dealing with past traumas. It allows you to give yourself the support and validation that you may not have received in the past. 

Healing Through Self-Compassion

For those who have experienced trauma, self-compassion can be a powerful tool for healing. Trauma often leaves emotional wounds that manifest as self-criticism, shame, and feelings of unworthiness. However, by practicing self-compassion, we can begin to heal these wounds by replacing judgment with kindness, isolation with connection, and emotional overwhelm with mindfulness.

Self-compassion doesn't erase the pain of trauma, but it provides a more supportive, nurturing framework for processing it. As we learn to be kinder to ourselves, we can let go of the self-blame and shame that often accompany trauma, and move forward with greater resilience and self-acceptance.

We need to remind ourselves that self-compassion is not a luxury or a sign of weakness—it's a necessity for emotional well-being and healing. By recognizing the impact of past traumas and making a conscious effort to treat ourselves with kindness, we can cultivate a healthier relationship with ourselves and embrace our inherent worth.

About the author

Stacey is a Clinical & Organizational Psychologist and Parenting Coach at The Counselling Place Singapore with over 10 years of experience supporting children, teenagers, adults, couples and families across various settings.

With a rich background in mental health and wellness, she she supports clients in achieving emotional wellness, building resilience, and cultivating a deeper connection with themselves and others.