Self-Awareness – How it can help you?
Counsellor / Career Coach
When things do not go as planned with your partner, some of us are not aware of our main feelings and it is easier to blame someone or something outside instead of learning our feelings and thoughts which caused our own action. Self-awareness is therefore a key part of a healthy relationship. If you are not aware of your own strengths and shortcomings, it can be difficult to share these parts of yourself with another person. However, it takes practice to get into the habit of reflecting.
Why is it important to be Self-Aware?
Improving Own Happiness
You may ask, why is this important? Firstly, it improves your own happiness by focusing on your own thoughts and actions, rather than those of your partner. This will be appreciated by your partner as well as opening a conversation that allows for more trust with each other.
Recognise Pattern
Secondly, self-awareness allows you to recognise patterns. Many people will continuously make the same mistakes in their relationships. Have you ever had an “aha” moment? Ahhhh yes! Maybe you have done and said that before? It is much better recognising that rather than being told by your partner. It is hard to recognise your negative behaviour because that’s you. Maybe it does not bother you, but it does bother your partner which could be contributing to problems. Self awareness allows you to reflect on your own actions and decide how to approach a situation differently to achieve a better outcome.
How to be Self-Aware?
There are many exercises and activities you can do to develop this self-awareness, from questions you can ask yourself to simple exercises.
2 Daily Questions
According to a PhD, researcher and Psychologist, T. Eurich has spent more than a decade surveying people about their levels of self-awareness. In her findings, she found that while” 95% of study participants think they’re self-aware, only about 10% to 15% of them fully are.” (What Self-Awareness Really Is (and How to Cultivate It) (hbr.org).
It can be fairly simple with two daily quick question for yourself:
My opportunity was XXX (What went well today?)
My miss was XXX (What didn’t go so well today?)
Questions for Journaling
We definitely should be spending time self-reflecting. It’s just that we need to change how we are doing it instead of sabotaging a relationship. It focuses on the future. It focuses us on action and therefore gaining a lot of insight. A step further could mean having a journal that explores your mind in self awareness alone or in conjunction with your day-to-day thoughts. Journaling does help in getting to know yourself in a deep way. Maybe you would like to add some questions like:
Why do you do those things?
For what reasons?
And more importantly, how do these things affect you?
Feedback from Others
There is another great self-awareness activity initiated from Josh Misner who is a Communications Professor at North Idaho College and Gonzaga University. He recommends taking your partner or trusted friend to dinner and ask them, “What do I do that is most annoying to you?” Remember to ask for an example. Hopefully you receive a response that will help with your connection eg “I am so impressed with your social media posts but I would really like it if you could pause on that in the evening so we can talk more”.
This will help reveal your blind spot with your partner. Misner continued to reveal “there is a concept that suggests we have four areas of our identity: a public self that is known to ourselves and others, a private self known only to us, an unknown self that is neither open to the public nor us, and a “blind spot,” which is that which others know about us that we are not yet aware of ourselves.” (Facing My Blind Spot: A Story of Becoming Self-Aware - The Good Men Project)
Movies & Books
Moreover, understanding your own thought patterns helps you grasp others' perspectives, making conversations more meaningful. Sometimes watching movies and reading books can help expand your language on emotions which makes it easier for you to describe your own. Reading more fiction can help you gain insight into people’s lives and gain different perspectives. It may help appreciating your partner’s differing views and then talking about it together rather than creating conflict over it.
Conclusion
Relational self-awareness is about knowing when your reactivity is about more than just this moment with your partner. This higher level of compassion allows you to communicate more clearly with your partner, establish clearer boundaries, and be more open and loving. So, if you want to be more self aware, it is time to reflect on your feelings and responses in different situations so to become more aware of how you have contributed to event/issue. Do not forget to encourage communication. Attending counselling with a Psychologist, Relationship Counsellor, or Psychotherapist can help if you blame everyone else and have difficulty seeing your or your partner’s part. This higher level of compassion allows you to communicate more clearly with your partner growing your connection with more openness.
Being fully self-aware allows us to actively change our mindset as well as the people around us.
If your partner or close friend is sad or angry then there is a possibility that you will feel that emotion as well. The same works for happiness. So, if you put the work in on those questions and activities at a minimum, it could lead to a happier environment. Becoming more self-aware can help you understand your wants, needs, and desires as well as your strengths and weaknesses. As you grow and change, your relationships also evolve.