by Natasha Larkin

Counsellor

Do you know someone who looks like they can do anything and everything? They work two jobs, they volunteer with the elderly, they parent four children and they are not only reading a book but writing a book! Reality is not always perception. They may be highly accomplished people but are they sacrificing on making changes that are right for themselves?

Sometimes you may have to give up some tasks on finder greater rewards in others. For example, one may be a hard worker, spending a lot of hours at work to the point where you are missing out on quality romantic or family time. Sacrifice can be hard to start with but if you notice you are distant from your partner this week, then take one small step to not watch your television show tonight but take the time with your partner instead. So you simply learn to say “no” to your favourite television show and say “yes” to going out with your partner who will appreciate it from you more that the actors in the show you will unlikely ever meet.

Some may think I really don’t want to do this because sacrifice can mean something negative or sacrifice may mean sometimes you compromise. Sometimes you let go and sometimes you fight and sometimes you give more. You can decide what is worth losing and what is worth keeping.? So sacrifice could be understood as the exchange of something valuable for something much more valuable, even if you don’t get that something right away. 

Is there something you are willing to sacrifice to reach an important goal? Being in a close relationship requires spending time together to connect which results in growing together. Does that mean vacation time without the kids? Does that mean adjusting work times to go to work earlier so you can be home earlier? Does that mean trading babysitting with friends or hiring a babysitter? Does that mean paying someone else to do the chores? Does that mean you cut social media time for conversation time?

Have you seen these incredible movies of a variety of stories of sacrifice and unrequited love?

Les Misérables, The Great Gatsby, Love Actually, The Holiday, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Groundhog Day, 500 Days of Summer and There’s Something About Mary, (500) Days of Summer and more....Which ones can you relate to? There are so many movies that teach us valuable relationship lessons but it is much easier to watch fictional characters learn lessons the hard way.

If we look at the definition of the word ‘sacrifice’ in the Cambridge definition, it states “ the act of giving up something that is valuable to you in order to help someone else: We had to make sacrifices in order to pay for our children's education.”.* It does not sound like a positive act.

How can you check you are not giving up on the wrong things? Did we cancel our regular date night? Did we cuddle today in bed? Do a joint checklist of what went well and what did not go well this week in quality time.

According to Francesca Righetti who conducted the ‘Veni Sacrifice Study’ in 2020 with a focus on sacrifice, her research shows sacrifice is varied for all couples. Francesca videotaped conversations about different interests with 130 couples, gaining experience sampling every 2 hours for 8 days, having couples keep a diary every evening for eight days continued by a follow-up session one year later with them. Her findings were captured as “People in close relationships often confront interdependence dilemmas: what is good for one partner is not good for the other. In these situations, people need to make a decision between pursuing self-interest and sacrificing to promote the well-being of their partner or relationship.”

Francesca offers some insight to the results for which you can ask the following questions: “What predicts sacrificing for a partner or relationship? When does sacrifice benefit and when does sacrifice harm the individual and the relationship well-being? How do people in relationships decide who is going to sacrifice?”*

Maybe you think you are sacrificing too much in your relationship and your partner is not doing the same? That can create imbalance and doesn’t feel good. Do you say “yes” to everything? Maybe you make the effort to spend time with your partner’s family but he/she does not do the same for you. Or maybe you have a hobby you give up to spend time with your partner on the weekend. Maybe you move to a new city for your partner’s job?  You might feel resentful. Small regrets may fade in time but bigger sacrifices can stay with you forever.

When do sacrifices become expectations? Maybe you cook dinner every night but one night you are sick and you need the night off but your partner mentions something. They have become accustomed to a routine. You may feel unappreciated. This will require a conversation to avoid an unhealthy relationship.

So you can check this by paying attention to how you feel when you make a particular sacrifice. Do you feel at peace with this decision? Did it improve your connection? Do you feel good for doing it for your and your partner? Was it worth it? Would your partner do the same for you? Is this strengthening our relationship?

The good news is the choice is yours. Being flexible and open to sacrifice for love can result in a better future for yourself and the ones you care for. It is important not take time for granted and spend the gift of time wisely with the people you love the most.

You’d notice that I’ve asked a lot of questions and not given you a lot of answers because the decision and choice to sacrifice is subjective. Book in a session with me to receive support as you sort through these questions.