By Jumh Tantri

Counsellor / Psychotherapist / Parenting Coach

Before parenting begins, what we as Counsellor, Psychologist, or Parenting Coaches do is to first help parents/caregivers acknowledge that they often derive parenting skills from their own parents and some of them may have exceptional awareness on the do’s and don’ts that they are following ritually for parenting while others could be following blindly without questioning and insisting that their ways are the right and best ways of parentings.

Parenting perspectives and methods

Many individuals are not blessed with secure attachments because one thing to know is that our own parents too may not have a healthy and positive childhood experience. Hence, their parenting perspectives and methods may not be the best or tailored to their needs. Often, they get hurt and possibly traumatized by their parents which they may not be aware if unspoken or be confronted to deal with it.

Important parenting skills

Parenting is a skill to be learnt and a forbearing journey that may prolong until their old age according to their child’s stages of life. Parents may want to read about Erikson’s life stages theory to find out more. It is through accumulation of experiences and guidance that one knows what works well for the children and what is not in a holistic manner.

Bond with your child

One of the most important and crucial for parenting is building their relationship with their children based on trust. My mentor has five children and I always wonder how she could build such a strong bond with their children such that even as they have become adults, started their own family yet they are still very close bonded with their mother. This family has no secrets and all of them would share openly their struggles, vulnerabilities and even some grave mistakes they had made because they know each member will not judge each other but openly attend to one another, empathise, comfort, and suggest advice that can be helpful for each other. My mentor has always been a wise mother and she told me the secret to her parenting is to create such a strong bond with her children since young that nobody can break it. For example, she will constantly remind her children to know their home is a safe place to pour out their struggles, worries and good things. If they do not build a healthy habit of opening to their loved ones, they will be alone struggling outside of their home to face the world.

Strength of the couple subsystem

Another important factor that governs the family unbreakable bond is that my mentor and her husband have been effortfully and consistently showering each other love through dates, spending quality time together without children and traveling together. This healthy couple subsystem has become the family’s cornerstone which allows the parents to figure out good and healthy values, habits, and perspectives to influence their children so that they can grow up well and most importantly, to be and feel secured because they know their parents will never abandon nor leave them. This is one of the types of attachment theory called secure attachment where children feel safe to explore the world and at the same time, they know they have someone that watches over them and will love them unconditionally. Hence, they are not afraid to build trust with others.

What are the different types of attachment?

Instead of secure attachment, what we see as Counsellor, Psychologist, or Parenting Coach more frequently is the other three types of attachment theory: ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized attachment. This theory was founded by John Bowlby who believed that the early stages of bond formed between children and their caregivers have significant impact that prolongs throughout their life.

For ambivalent attachment, children get distressed when their caregiver leaves. The lack of caregiver’s presence caused these children not to depend on their caregivers to be there when they need them.

For avoidant attachment, these children tend to avoid their caregivers, showing no preference between caregivers and a total stranger. The reason behind this often came because of abusive or neglectful caregivers. They are punished for relying on their caregiver which prevents them to incline to seek help in the future.

 For disorganized attachment, children of this attachment often display a confusing mix of behaviors and they can seem disoriented, dazed, or confused. They will avoid or resist the parent. It is not clear on the attachment pattern because of the inconsistency of caregivers’ behaviours. Hence, caregivers can be a comfort and fear to these children which leads to disorganized behaviours. These attachment theories will help individuals to become aware of the type of attachment they hold. If it is not a secure attachment, parents/caregivers should strive to achieve that to provide a safe place for their children to explore and grow; to be nurtured to become someone who can be an asset to their family and society.

What is secure attachment?

For secure attachment, children can depend on their caregivers to show their distress when separated and joy when reunited. They can be upset but they feel assured that their caregiver will return. When afraid, securely attached children are comfortable and ready to seek reassurance from their caregivers.

What is your parenting style?

Other than theory, another essential factor we consider as counsellor, psychologist, or parenting coach in parenting is to know about your own parents’ parenting styles and your current ones. There are four types of parenting styles. They are authoritative, authoritarian, permissive and uninvolved.

For authoritative parenting, it creates positive relationships through fostering rules and healthy boundaries. Children often learn to make sound decision and evaluate safety risks on their own.

For authoritarian parenting, it focuses on obedience, punishment over discipline. Children often feel sorry for their mistakes instead of learning to make better choices.

For permissive parenting, it doesn’t enforce any rules and accepts any behaviours the children exhibit. No clear boundaries. For uninvolved parenting, it provides little guidance, nurturing, or attention which often leaves the children to fend for themselves.

By becoming more aware of this information about yourself, your children’s attachment pattern and your parenting style, you will start to inculcate values, habits, and perspectives to influence not only your children but yourself to grow to become a better parent.

Support for parenting

Parenting is difficult but you don’t have to struggle alone.

On top of everything that I have mentioned above, another step which is one of the crucial importance is get yourself a parenting support group to join. These support groups having various years of experience in parenting and some helpful tips, parents can be supported by each other to raise their children. There is a quote saying, “It takes a whole village to raise a child.”

Of course you may prefer to access our parent coaching session where we tailored made your individual sessions to help you develop the awareness, skills, and strategies to deal with your unique child.