by Stacey Lee Henderson
Clinical & Organizational Psychologist / Parenting Coach

Divorce is notably one of the most challenging experiences for young children and an emotionally difficult period for the whole family. When young children are involved, the process becomes even more complex, as parents must navigate their own emotions while also tending to the emotional needs of their children. One of the most difficult emotions to manage during this time is anger. It is important to remember however, that children are unaware of how to express emotions such as confusion, hurt, and fear. As it happens, all these emotions are expressed through anger instead. This can manifest in many types of behaviours, such as tantrums, defiance, or withdrawal. Parenting an angry child through divorce requires patience, empathy, and a proactive approach to ensure the child’s emotional well-being.

Understanding the Root of Anger

Before addressing a child’s anger, let’s begin to understand the root of the anger. Perhaps asking yourself questions, like:

A child will be going through a significant change in their lives when a divorce occurs. What are they missing? The security of a two-parent household is disrupted, and the child may feel powerless over the situation. This loss of control, combined with uncertainty, can lead to feelings of anger. Additionally, children may not have the vocabulary or emotional intelligence to express more complex feelings, such as sadness or fear, leading them to default to anger as a way to communicate their distress.

What do they NEED?

Validating Their Feelings

Perhaps you may ask yourself, where do I begin? How can I begin to connect with my child to help them understand what is happening? One of the most crucial steps in helping an angry child through divorce is validating their feelings. Children need to know that it’s okay to feel angry and that their emotions are a natural response to the situation. When a child expresses anger, whether through words or actions, it’s important to acknowledge their feelings without judgment. Instead of dismissing their anger or telling them to “calm down,” try saying, “I can see that you’re really upset. It’s okay to feel that way. Let’s talk about what’s bothering you.”

Validation helps them feel heard and understood and seen, which can help to reduce the intensity of their anger. It also allows for more constructive conversations about their emotions, allowing parents to guide them toward healthier ways of coping.

Maintaining Consistent Routines

The first thing that divorce often brings, is disruption to regular routines. This may include sudden changes in living arrangements, school, and parenting styles. These changes can be unsettling, leading to increased anxiety and anger. One way to mitigate these feelings is by maintaining as much consistency as possible in the child’s daily routine. This means keeping to a new regular schedule as much as possible for their  bedtimes, meal times, and extracurricular activities.

Consistency will provides them with a sense of stability and predictability, which children thrive from!  It is especially important during such a period of upheaval. It reassures children that, despite the changes in their family structure, they can still rely on certain aspects of their life to remain the same. This will act as a stability core to come back to, to reduce the sense of feeling overwhelmed.

Effective Communication Strategies

It is common to want to keep information from children with the notion that we are protecting them, or that they are not ready to handle it yet. However, if done right, just the opposite may actually have a more positive effect on their relationship with you. Let them know ahead of time what changes are going to take place. Let them know it is not their fault in any way. When discussing the divorce, use age-appropriate language and be mindful of the child’s emotional capacity to understand the situation. Open and honest communication is key to helping children navigate their emotions during a divorce. Leave space for them to ask questions. It’s important for parents to create a safe space where children feel comfortable expressing their feelings without fear of retribution or judgment.

It’s also important to avoid placing the child in the middle of conflicts. Children should never feel like they have to choose sides or mediate disputes. IT IS NOT THEIR JOB TO EASE CONFLICTS. Instead, parents should communicate directly with each other about logistical matters and shield the child from unnecessary stress.

Teaching Healthy Coping Mechanisms

In order to manage any anger they might be feeling children need help to develop healthy coping mechanisms. Encourage them to express their emotions through creative outlets, such as drawing, writing, or playing music. Physical activity is another excellent way for children to release pent-up energy and reduce stress. Encourage them to participate in sports, dance, or simply spend time playing outdoors.

Mindfulness and relaxation techniques can also be beneficial. Teaching children simple fun guided breathing exercises can help them learn to self-soothe anger arises. There are many books and resources used to teach these skills that are designed for children.

Seeking Professional Support

It is also important to recognise your limits. In some cases, a child’s anger may be more intense or persistent than what a parent can manage alone. If a child’s behaviour becomes destructive, if they show signs of depression or anxiety, or if their anger is significantly impacting their daily life, it may be time to seek professional support. A child therapist or counsellor/psychologist/psychotherapist who specializes in divorce-related issues can provide guidance and support for both the child and the parents.

Therapy offers children a safe space to explore their feelings with a neutral third party. It can also provide parents with strategies for managing difficult behaviours and improving communication within the family.

What do I DO?

Modelling Positive Behaviour

Children often look to their parents for cues on how to respond to challenging situations. As difficult as it might be, if we want them to feel calm, we need to embody a sense of calmness for them to mimic as well. During a divorce, it’s crucial for parents to model positive behaviour, even when they themselves are struggling with anger or other difficult emotions. Demonstrating healthy ways to cope with stress, such as taking deep breaths, talking about your feelings, or taking a break when emotions run high, teaches children how to manage their own emotions.

Above all else, it is also important to show respect and cooperation with the other parent, even if there are unresolved conflicts. Speaking negatively about the other parent in front of the child can exacerbate their anger and create loyalty conflicts. Instead, focus on the positive aspects of the other parent and encourage a healthy relationship between the child and both parents.

Patience and Empathy

Parenting an angry child through divorce requires immense patience and empathy. It’s not going to be easy, and setting that expectation from the beginning will help you face these challenges. Begin to understand that anger is a natural response to the pain and confusion your child is experiencing. Instead of reacting with frustration, try to see the situation from your child’s perspective and respond with compassion.

Another thing to remember is turning that patience and compassion inward. BE patient with yourself as a parent. Divorce is a difficult process, and it’s normal to feel overwhelmed at times. Remember that you don’t have to have all the answers right away and that’s okay. Normalise seeking help, be it from friends, family, or professionals, as you navigate this challenging time. We can’t do it all alone. 

Moving Forward Together

While divorce is undoubtedly a painful experience, it can also be an opportunity for growth and healing. By addressing your child’s anger with understanding, consistency, and support, you can help them develop resilience and emotional intelligence that will serve them well throughout their lives.

As you move forward, remember that the goal is not to eliminate your child’s anger but to help them understand and manage it in healthy ways. With time, patience, and love, you can guide your child through this difficult transition and help them emerge stronger and more emotionally grounded.