By Ho Shee Wai

Director /  Registered Psychologist

We all want to be the best parent possible for our child or teen. However, with all the conflicting messages out there and the various changing parenting fad, how can we decide as parents as to what is best for our kids? One way to stay stable in all these uncertainties and confusion is to go back to the root: what are our values.

Values defined

Cambridge dictionary defines values as “the beliefs people have, especially about what is right and wrong and what is most important in life, that control their behaviour”. Values represent a direction and associated behaviors that have the potential to bring joy and fulfillment. How do you know what is your values? Oftentimes, our values are greatly influenced by important people in our life and our society. So think about your family, what does your mother values, what does your father values? Also, think about an important person in your life, what do they value? What about our society, what do they value? Looking at their values you can consider whether you agree or disagree with what they value, through that exercise, you’d be better able to be clear what you value in life in general or in parenting in particular. For example, your mother may believe that punctuality is very important and would make parenting rules align with that value. However, you may feel that being able to be spontaneous is more important and thus you would focus your parenting on that.

Benefits of Parenting according to Your Values

Provide Guidance in Situations

In parenting we are constantly being challenged with situations with our children or teenagers. Decisions about how you will handle the situation will be easier if you are parenting according to your values. For example, your 3-year-old kept turning on the light switch. If you value safety, you would find ways to childproof the switch and teach them to stay away. On the other hand, if you value exploration and curiosity, you will praise your child for being able to turn on the switch and then suggest for them to try turning it off. Or, if you value assertiveness, when your teenager tries to manoeuvre out of a curfew, you would encourage them to give a well thought out argument for why you should be making an exception.

Focus your reactions and emotions

More than making decisions, we are frequently confronted with our own emotions and reactions to what is happening with our kids. When we parent according to our values, it would help us to manage our emotions and reactions. For example, if you value creativity, instead of being angry, you may be better able to appreciate your child’s graffiti on your newly painted wall, make a mental note to buy only washable crayons, and redirect your child to appropriate painting surface (perhaps designating a graffiti wall in their bedroom). Or, if you value family solidarity, instead of being overwhelmed or frustrated, you may refuse to get pulled into the sibling rivalry and conflicts and reiterate that we are a family and we need to sort things out regardless how long it takes.

Provide consequences

When you are parenting according to your values, you’d be better equipped to discipline your child with appropriate consequences that is align with your values as you see the discipline process as a way to further illustrate your values. For example, if your child lost their handphone, instead of scolding them (which makes you THE punishment), calmly explain that they have to suffer the consequences of not being able to communicate with their friends (a punishment worst than death for teens) and doing some household chores to earn enough to buy a new phone (if you value working for things you have). If you value problem solving, you might sit down with them and get them to figure out how they can find their phone (using app installed), make a police report, and come out with a proposal to solve how to have a phone in the interim.

Become an influencer

When you parent according to your values, you’d find that there is less confusion (for you and your child or teens), less stress, and you can find meaning and purpose in parenting. Instead of feeling like a zoo keeper or jailor, you can see how you can inculcate your values, mold, and influence your kids to become someone you can feel proud of.

How to Parent according to your Values?

“Yes, I’m in, how do I start” you ask? Here are some simple steps:

Step 1: Identify Your Values

You can identify your own values by going through some type of value checklist, example: https://www.turningpointpsychology.ca/our-gallery/act-values-checklist

Step 2: Choose 1 Value

We can’t do everything at once. Choose the most important value and focus your attention when you are parenting this week to see how you are transmitting your values in terms of decision you make, responses and reactions you have, and implementing discipline. Once that is down pat, you can focus on the next value.

Step 3: Make explicit Your Value

Don’t assume your children or teenagers will be able to understand what values you are trying to teach. Explicitly label and name them: “What a creativity girl you are!”, “It must be frustrating to lose your handphone. I know relationships & connection are important to you”, and “As family we value solidarity, work it out among yourself”.

Step 4: Record Your Progress

Some people finds journaling or log helpful to hep them track the progress and remember what values they are trying to work on with their kids.

If you find that you are having some challenges in implementing the steps, or you need some support or guidance in parenting in this different manner, book in a session with our Psychologist, Counsellor, or Parenting Coach.