By Dr Martha Tara Lee

Relationship Counsellor & Sex Therapist

The pressure and focus on achieving pregnancy can often turn sex into a chore, leading to decreased sexual satisfaction and emotional distance. Let’s explore the psychological factors contributing to this issue, discuss the consequences of ignoring it, and provide practical strategies for maintaining a healthy sexual relationship during the journey to conception.

Understanding the Psychological Factors:

When trying to conceive, various psychological and emotional factors can contribute to sex becoming a duty rather than an enjoyable experience. These may include anxiety related to fertility struggles, performance pressure, disappointment with unsuccessful attempts, and a sense of loss of spontaneity or romance in the relationship (Smith & Domar, 2011).  

Some of the things I've heard that isn't helpful at all:

• "Why can't you just get it up? It's not that hard."

• "You have it easy, I'm the one who has to carry the baby for nine months."

• "I don't understand why you're so stressed about this. It's not like you have to go through all the physical changes and discomfort."

• "If you were a real man, you would have no problem getting me pregnant."

Fertility struggles can lead to feelings of inadequacy or failure if pregnancy does not occur as quickly as desired. This anxiety can manifest as performance pressure and sexual dysfunction such as erectile difficulties during sexual encounters, making it difficult for both partners to relax and enjoy the experience.

In addition, repeated unsuccessful attempts at conception can lead to increased feelings of disappointment and frustration. The consequent focus on timing intercourse around ovulation can make sex feel mechanical and devoid of spontaneity. Couples may find themselves solely focused on fertility tracking, scheduling intercourse, and discussing reproductive health, neglecting the emotional intimacy that is crucial for a healthy sexual relationship.

Consequences of Ignoring the Issue:

Ignoring or not addressing the issue of sex becoming a chore can have negative consequences for both individuals and the relationship. It can lead to decreased sexual satisfaction, increased emotional distance, and heightened levels of stress and tension (Fisher et al., 2010). Over time, this strain can impact overall well-being and the couple's ability to navigate the challenges of fertility struggles effectively.

Decreased sexual satisfaction can result in feelings of frustration and resentment within the relationship. When sex becomes solely focused on achieving pregnancy, the pleasure and enjoyment that once accompanied intimacy may diminish. This can lead to a decline in sexual desire and a lack of fulfilment for both partners.

The emotional distance that can arise from viewing sex as a chore can also have detrimental effects on the relationship. Intimacy is not solely physical; it encompasses emotional connection and vulnerability. When sex becomes disconnected from emotional intimacy, couples may feel more distant from one another.

The increased stress and tension associated with trying to conceive can further exacerbate these issues. Stress has been shown to negatively impact sexual function and desire (Fisher et al., 2010). It can create a cycle where stress about fertility struggles leads to decreased sexual satisfaction, which in turn increases stress levels within the relationship.

Strategies for Maintaining a Healthy Sexual Relationship:

1) Prioritize Emotional Connection:

It is important for couples to prioritize emotional connection and intimacy outside of the bedroom. Set aside time for activities that foster emotional closeness, such as date nights, shared hobbies, or simply spending quality time together. This can help rekindle the emotional bond and remind both partners of the love and connection they share.

2) Communicate Openly:

Create a safe space for open and honest communication about your feelings, desires, and concerns related to sex and trying to conceive. Discuss any anxieties or pressures you may be experiencing and work together to find solutions that prioritize both partners' needs and desires.

3) Reclaim Pleasure:

Shift the focus from solely trying to conceive to also prioritizing pleasure and enjoyment in your sexual encounters. Explore new ways to bring pleasure into the bedroom, such as trying new positions, incorporating sensual touch or massage, or using sex toys. Remember that pleasure and intimacy are important aspects of a healthy sexual relationship, regardless of the goal of conception.

4) Remember your potential for creating life:

Remind yourselves of the deeper meaning and purpose behind your sexual intimacy. Recognize that you are engaging in an act that has the potential to create a new life together. This can help shift the focus away from solely trying to conceive and bring a sense of reverence and connection to your sexual encounters.

5) Take Breaks:

Give yourselves permission to take breaks from actively trying to conceive. This can help alleviate some of the pressure and allow you to reconnect with each other on a more intimate level. Use this time to focus on pleasure, relaxation, and enjoying each other's company without the stress of fertility tracking.

6) Seek Professional Counselling Support:

If the strain on your sexual relationship becomes overwhelming, consider seeking professional support from a psychologist, counsellor, or sex therapist who specializes in fertility issues or sexual health. They can provide guidance, tools, and strategies to navigate these challenges effectively.

Maintaining a healthy sexual relationship while trying to conceive requires conscious effort and open communication. By addressing the psychological factors that can turn sex into a chore, couples can nurture intimacy and pleasure in their relationship. Prioritizing emotional connection, reclaiming pleasure, and seeking professional support when needed can help couples navigate the challenges of fertility struggles while maintaining a fulfilling and satisfying sexual relationship.

Book your session with me today.

References

Smith, J. F., & Domar, A. D. (2011). Fertility awareness-based methods for contraception and conception. In S. R. Leiblum & R. C. Rosen (Eds.), Principles and practice of sex therapy (5th ed., pp. 335-365). Guilford Press.

Fisher, W. A., Byrne, D., White, L. A., & Kelley, K. (2010). Erotophobia-erotophilia as a dimension of personality: Development of a multimethod instrument and correlation of the dimension with sexual behavior. Journal of Sex Research, 47(2-3), 162-177.