By Ho Shee Wai
Clinical Director / Psychologist

Miscommunication

Communication is one of the key problems for relationships. If the couple speaks different languages, communication can be a huge barrier for their connection and ability to resolve situations. Often couple connects using a language that 1 person is stronger in which disadvantages the other person’s ability to express fully their thoughts and feelings. I remember working with a cross-cultural couple in counselling where the husband complained that the wife is very rude and aggressive towards him. I, too, experience the same when I spoke with the wife. However, when I switched to speaking to the wife in her native mother tongue, suddenly she was very cultured and expressive. The husband was surprised by the change in demeanour. I explained to the husband that due to language limitation, the wife was only able to use simple words when they were communicating, which resulted in her appearing to be very uncouth. While we cannot immediately improve the wife’s language skills, we worked on her tone in delivering these simple words.

Even if the couple are equally strong (or weak) in their common language, the usage of these languages can be different coming from different cultures. These can lead to many misunderstandings. For example, for 1 person in the couple “It’s ok” means No, whereas for another person in the couple “It’s ok” means Yes. This can lead to fight where 1 person feels the other is not fulfilling their promises or the other person feeling their partner is forcing them into something they already objected to. Learning to understand what the other person means is a skills that couple can pick up in therapy. I remember another couple having a huge fight where 1 person insisted on the correct use for parking is “Parking Structure” and the other insisted the right term is “Parking Lot”. Both are right of course, which is something very hard for couples to wrap their head around.

For some culture, being assertive is valued. Therefore, regardless of the speaker’s personality (extrovert or introvert), there is pressure to speak up which can come across as argumentative or opinionated. For other culture, being passive and indirect is valued. Hence, not giving a direct answer nor speaking their mind is the habit, which may lead to questions about the honesty or integrity of the person.

Meaning Making

Dr John Gottman suggests that couples create shared meaning through the use of rituals, roles, goals, and symbols. Coming from different cultures can lead to clashes in these.

The Singaporeans’ ritual of going to the parents for every weekend (and sitting for hours doing their own thing on the phone with occasional conversation) may be a culture shock to their partner whose culture does not include such regular visits nor wasting time on these non-interactions. Couples can fight over who should eat first as a sign of respect whereas the other partner is focused on efficiency (whoever has the dish in front of them should just start). We also encounter couples fighting over how to handle fever, where one culture advocates cold treatment to bring the temperature down and another advocates hot treatment to sweat the fever out. Some culture may emphasize different roles for different genders which can be baffling for those whose culture emphasizes equal division of labor. For some women, they may expect some romantic gestures from their partner on Valentines day when for another culture, Feb 15 is “White Day” where the woman is supposed to indicate their interest with a gift of chocolate, and for another culture, “Valentines day” is on 7th of 7th month or 15th of 8th month.

What your therapist, counsellor, or psychologist can do in counselling during these circumstances is to help facilitate an open discussion, manage both's expectations, and help the couple come to an agreement or compromise on these differences.

Struggles With Families

Even if the couple is able to navigate the differences in their relationship, they may face a bigger hurdle when it comes to their respective families. Because they are in love, the couples are willing to make adjustment and compromise for their partner, to ask the same from their families with their deep rooted habits and routines is a much bigger ask.  The first step when you come to your therapist, counsellor, or psychologist is to understand the background of each families, the values they place on various actions, behaviours, speech, etc. For some, that would be sufficient for the partner to let go or accept. For others that could not accept, the therapist, counsellor, or psychologist can assist in helping to come up with strategies to deal with that. Some examples can be living away from the family or taking regular breaks or “escape” from living with the family; Having the person from the family to speak up and resolve any problems related to the family; or starting new behaviours or ritual in the family that address their partner’s concern, etc.

Loss Of Identities

Another concern cross-cultural couples may face is the confusion or the loss of their cultural identities. In the effort to integrate each person’s culture, one or both persons in the relationship may start feeling that they are no longer “themselves” and they are losing important parts of themselves or their culture. Often, this happens when there was not sufficient time, thoughts, or effort to consciously go through what is important to them. The person too prematurely and easily gives in or compromises and finds themselves down the slippery slope.

What your therapist, counsellor, or psychologist will do is to go back to the beginning and look at who you were, who you are now, and who you’d like to be. This can be done in an individual counselling session or as part of a collaborative effort in the couple or marital counselling session.

To conclude, to be successful in a cross-cultural relationship, couples need to learn to step outside of their cultural norms to see each other with greater clarity and learn new communication skills, breaking through language barriers. All these can be easily done within the safe space in a counselling setting with a trained therapist, counsellor, or psychologist.