by Anne Ueberbach
Assistant Director / Counsellor

Nowadays it is common for couples to undertake genetic tests prior and during pregnancy to identify any potential risks of hereditable conditions, genetic conditions such as Down Syndrome or Trisomy 18, or neural tube defects such as spina bifida.

Unbeknownst to most, miscarriage is a common occurrence, however that knowledge may be cold comfort for anyone coping with recent loss. Many women react to pregnancy loss with intense emotions, ranging from shock and sadness to irrational guilt and anxiety about the future. Whilst every day activities and behaviours do not cause miscarriage, majority of women will still blame themselves for the loss, as they feel responsible for carrying and growing a healthy baby. But pregnancy loss does not only affect women, but also their partners.

The emotional healing process after a miscarriage may take some time and can vastly differ for every individual. It also often takes much longer to heal emotionally than physically. Allowing yourself to grieve the loss can actually help you come to terms with it in the long run.

5 Stages of Grief

Stage 1: Denial

Grief is an overwhelming emotion. It’s not unusual to respond to the strong and often sudden feelings by pretending the loss is not happening. Denying it gives you time to more gradually absorb the news and begin to process the loss. This is a common defence mechanism, which helps numb you to the intensity of the situation.

Stage 2: Anger

As you move out of the denial stage, however, the emotions you’ve been hiding will begin to rise. You’ll be confronted with a lot of sorrow you have denied, leading to anger. While denial is a coping mechanism, anger is seen as a masking effect. Anger may mask itself in feelings like bitterness or resentment. It may not be clear-cut fury or rage. Not everyone will experience this stage, while others may stay in it for a longer period of time.

Stage 3: Bargaining

As the anger subsides, you may begin to think more rationally about what is happening and feel the emotions you have been pushing aside. During grief, you may feel vulnerable and helpless. In those moments of intense emotions, it is not uncommon to look for ways to regain control or to want to feel like you can affect the outcome of an event. In the bargaining stage of grief, you may find yourself creating a lot of “what if” & “if only” statements. During this stage, a strong sense of guilt and self-blame may overcome you.

Stage 4: Depression

Whereas anger and bargaining can feel very active, depression may feel like a quiet stage of grief. Like the other stages, depression can be difficult and messy. It can feel overwhelming. You may feel lethargic, heavy, foggy and confused. You may withdraw socially from your partner, family and loved ones, and find a safe hiding spot like your bed for shelter and comfort.

Stage 5: Acceptance

The final stage of grief is acceptance. Acceptance unfortunately is not a happy or uplifting ending to the grieving process. It also does not mean that you have moved past the grief or loss altogether. Grieving is a complex process after all and may take years. It does however mean that you have accepted the loss and have come to understand what it means in your life now. Look to acceptance as a way to see that there may be more good days than bad moving forward.

Coping as an Individual

Coping in a healthy and sustainable manner after a miscarriage may not be on the top of your priority list, but it will make the whole experience a lot more positive, rather than relying on unhealthy short-term feel-good strategies such as isolation, binge eating / not eating at all, substance use, or self-harm.

Here are a few healthy coping strategies for you to try:

·       Give yourself time to grief on your own terms - it is not a race to be won nor task that can be scheduled

·       Start journaling your thoughts and feelings

·       Lean on your social support network – partner, family, friends

·       Read a recommended self-help books

o    The Miscarriage Map: What to Expect When You are No Longer Expecting by Dr. Sunita Osborn

o    Grieving the Child I Never Knew: A Devotional for Comfort in the Loss of Your Unborn or Newly Born child by Kathe Wunnenberg

·       Look into joining a local peer support group (or find one through Facebook)

·       Forgive yourself – it was never your fault

·       Seek help from a mental health professional (counsellor, psychologist or psychotherapist)

Coping as a Couple

Next Steps

After reaching the acceptance stage of grief, a common question women or couples have is when they can start trying again. It is highly recommended to discuss your next steps with your healthcare provider in order to determine what is best for you. As your emotions may require a little more time to heal than your body, it is best to wait until you are both physically and emotionally ready to try again.  
Fears, worry and anxiety over experiencing another miscarriage are very common after a pregnancy loss. You may also notice being overprotective and experiencing heightened senses during your next pregnancy, as you are actively trying to do everything “right” and extra cautious to avoid another loss. These responses are very normal and common. Luckily, the reality is that in most cases women who have experienced a miscarriage have an 80%-85% chance of carrying their next pregnancy to term.