By Natasha Larkin

Counsellor

Is this your situation now? You are newly separated or getting a divorce or divorced? It’s been hard. There are many different types of agreements that come out of divorce but in this story, even though the parents have chosen divorce, despite the shared agreement, one parent is denying access to their children. You are a great parent, but you feel the only way to feel good is to deprive your children off their access to the other parent. You want to hurt them, and you have found a way. You think you can manage this secretly, but can you? If this is you too, please keep reading.

Your children want you both and are trying to understand their new role in the divorce. They need two parents as they transition to a new family set up. This can look like shared homes and shared days. This is very, very hard for all and under the circumstances, you face a new and unplanned challenge in your life. It feels right to you, to ensure the exposure your kids to your ex-partner, does not jeopardise their values or well-being. So how do you do this when your ex-partner disrespected you and destroyed the love you were going to have forever?

You have lost the love of your ex-partner but one thing is for sure, you have, and always will be a loving parent. You may have to work harder than ever on this to make sure that your children see your ex-partner in a positive light. You are asking yourself, “How can I do this when they did what they did?” “How do I remove the truth when we, now I have only ever had honestly in the household”? It’s time to dig deeper more than ever.

The best step is to answer your children’s questions and concerns about your ex-partner as generally accurate and in an age-appropriate way as possible. As they grow up, they will come to understand their parent’s imperfections, without you having to highlight them over and over again. Of course, you have legitimate concerns for your children's values. Most consult a lawyer to work out the terms of a separation that meets your children's need for continuing support and care, visitation, and the type of supervision of those visitations that may be necessary but if it is possible, arrange counselling for you and your children. This will allow continuous support and purpose in an unknown and unexpected environment. They will not be learning the legal rules but can learn to emotionally regulate.

Children who are not children of divorced parents can still focus on attachment from their parents and the memories of their childhood. When a child of a divorced parent has a form of detachment, some can have a clinging response by needing more time with each or one parent than before in fear of losing more love. Adolescents who start to become more detached from parents as their friends and other hobbies become more important can become angry by becoming more vocal. They might say “this is not fair, nobody asked me how I feel in all this!” or maybe they are more distanced as they act or have no choice but to become more independent. They are finding ways to cope with this dysfunctional or disruptive family change.

As a therapist, I am often asked “what is the best age for a child to cope with divorce?” and there is no one size fits all in this category. It varies with considerations on all levels. Some parents predict older kids can cope better as they have learnt to more about people and conflict and because of increased maturity. But this is not correct. It generally hurts for children and even adults. An important consideration is the years of personal history there are with married parents heading the same household. If there is a large adjustment in the new living arrangements such as splitting with their siblings, attending new schools, missing out on favoured routines or not having parents around when needed physically or emotionally, then this has an impact that can cause them pain. So, whether a child is 4 or 12, they will be some pain around change, but the younger may be able to adjust slightly more as the memories are less.

It is important to check in with your children with the intent on how they are coping and adjusting to the new arrangements rather than expecting them to move on like you are trying to. They are also learning to live with the unwanted and unplanned change. They have school and friendships to worry about and now they have this added family change. It is good to check this does not stop their social life. For example, if they are moving around households, does this stop them from seeing their friends? If it does, have a conversation so they do not feel divided and punished. Has it resulted in a new school or new location? So, talk openly about any loss of happiness, loss of stability to avoid resentment and try and find solutions together.

Children may witness parents who no longer love each other and as a result have little faith in love. This should lead to one of the earliest conversations by both parents together that the children are greatly loved, and the marriage breakdown has nothing to do with them. A loss of understanding can result in your child’s unknown future. You may not be able to explain the nightmare, or the issues may be very painful and not age appropriate to explain. Therefore, talking about what is going to happen now and ask for questions will help the child or adolescent ask questions that are important to them and not what the parent thinks is on their mind. For example, they may be confused when those family outings stop. They may have less time here, more time there, stopping one thing but adding another. So, the conversations cannot stop. Keep checking in on their loss of familiarity so you can stop any loss of trust.

Divorce or separation may be the best solution for the parents and the family, but the children may have a different view. The positives in some cases are children can learn resilience and independence at a young age. Keep the conversations and love flowing. One thing is for sure, all will learn from each other, so support, love and trust are great values to keep in the broken family unit.

Support for you & your children

While this is a difficult and challenging time for you and your children, you don’t have to do it all alone. This is the time to reach out for support with your family, friends, or seek professional counselling help from a psychologist, counsellor, and psychotherapist. Book in a session with me and we can discuss the best support for you.