Love is Not a Feeling!
By Ho Shee Wai
Director/Registered Psychologist
Myth regarding Loving feeling
“I’ve fallen out of love, is there any hope for the marriage?” or “I was never in love with my wife in the first place, I can’t see how I can start now.” These are common comments that I hear in my work with couples in therapy. Couples often react in surprise when they learnt that they can rekindle their love for their partner, or, for those who was never in love in the first place, they can grow to love their partner.
The myth that couples often come with is that love is a feeling. Love is not a feeling. Many people possessing a feeling of love, and even acting in response to that feeling, act in unloving and destructive ways that does not fit the definition of love. On the flip side, a genuinely loving individual will often take loving and constructive actions toward a person he or she dislike, while actually feeling no love towards the person at the same time.
What is Genuine Love?
Genuine love is a commitment. It exists with or without a “loving” feeling. It involves the will to extend yourself for the growth of your partner or spouse. It is a choice rather than a feeling. The person who truly loves does so because of a decision to love. The person has made a commitment to be loving whether or not the loving feeling is present, regardless how the partner is behaving in return. Research has shown that Love is a commitment to the process and practice of loving. In loving relationship, we choose to be obligated to one another.
Given that love is a choice, it then addresses the issue of attraction to person other than our partner. Our feelings of love may be unbounded, but our capacity to be loving is limited. Therefore, we must choose the person on whom to focus our capacity to love and toward whom to direct our will to love. We will come into contact with attractive people continuously. As I have often told my clients, we are married not dead. It is a conscious decision to not put our energy into pursuing other options.
How to Rekindle Love in your Relationship?
Here are some steps you can take to spark your relationship:
1. Go down memory lane, reminiscing, revisit the beginning
As a couple, go back to the past of how your relationship started. Remember what attracted you in the beginning. Talk about the good old time together and do some of the things you used to do when you are courting.
2. Date night, try new things together
Set time apart to invest in your romantic relationship each week. Some couple find it helpful to have routine date night where we block out fixed time each week to focus on the relationship. Do not fall into the stale routine of doing the same thing on date night, venture out and try new things together as a couple.
3. Communication, make time to talk
When you first meet as a couple, you have so much curiosity and can’t stop talking to each other. As time goes by, we started feeling complacent and the sense of familiarity set in. We think we know everything about our partner. Communication becomes functional and task oriented. Try to make time to talk about things that is not to do with the practical, talk about feelings, meanings, and future hope and dreams.
4. Show gratitude and appreciation
Saying thank you and showing appreciation for not just what your partner does, but also for being who they are.
5. Flirt, give romantic gesture, revamp your sexual interaction
Many of you when you first started your relationship you remembered that sexual tension before the consummation of the passion. As the relationship loses its novelty with them, we start to feel the passion also fizzled out. Start flirting with each other again, be it via text, small touches, or lingering glance. Give romantic gesture and discuss how you would like to change your sexual interaction.
6. Speak with care and compassion, avoid blame
Over time, we lose the care we take when speaking to our partner. What we have is perfunctory communication over task and we become short and curt. Take the time, patience, and compassion to speak to our partner as someone we love and care.
7. Sharing secrets, build intimacy
Nothing binds us than shared secret. Tell your partner things you’ve never shared with others, let them know how you are feelings about things, let them into your inner world. Intimacy can be built by sharing experiences, feelings, thoughts, and perspectives. You don’t have to agree with each other’s world to be intimate.
8. Get your heart racing together - adrenaline rush!
Do activities together that get your heart racing and having an adrenaline rush. No, we don’t have all go and book that bungee jumping, but conquering some fears together will help us feel this bond with each other.