By ShiFan Hu-Couble

Psychotherapist / Parenting Coach

Introduction

This is not an article on how to find the best therapist. A therapist that is best for one person might be a total misfit for another. It is a guide to finding a therapist that would work for you. I often hear stories of people giving up on therapy because of a negative experience with one therapist. This is akin to giving up on love after one bad breakup: we throw the baby out of the bath water. Based on my clinical and personal experience, I have come up with a few boxes to check when you are looking for a therapist, be a Psychologist, Counsellor, or Psychotherapist.

Look beyond the credentials

It is tempting to choose a therapist based on one’s academic achievement alone. However, one’s love, courage, and wisdom cannot be certified by academic degrees, which are at best only a manifest of one’s intelligence, and discipline in academic pursuit. First and foremost, a good therapist needs a courageous heart to confront human conditions: despair, death anxiety, existential queries, grief, and loss, etc. A good therapist is reflective, introspective, and constantly subjects himself/herself to self-examination. This process of self-examination elevates one’s self-awareness, which is a key success factor in therapy. The abovementioned qualities are not necessarily obtained through academic pursuit.  They are cultivated through one’s life experience and self work. Most therapists will conduct an intake session to decide whether he/she wants to accept a client; this is not just for the therapist but also an opportunity for you as the client to interview your therapist. You can ask your therapist questions that are relevant to you and get a sense of the therapist's life philosophy. For example, if you are struggling with parenting your teenage son, you might ask your therapist: “What does parenthood mean to you?”; if you are contemplating a career switch, you might ask your therapist: “How do you find out one’s calling in life?” You are paying your therapist, so make him/her work for it!

A therapist who can work with here and now

A competent therapist works with here and now. I often have clients who come to see me and seek help in relating to others: unable to express their true feelings, unable to say no, fear of rejection, constantly seeking approvals from external sources, etc. A good therapist should be able to observe such relational patterns in his/her relationship with the client and shed some light on it as the pattern unfolds. For example, I had a client who would always agree to our action plan at the end of each session. Let’s call him Jack*. Every session, Jack would bring up some issues in his life and we would work hard to understand the causes of these issues, co-create plans to address them, and Jack would agree wholeheartedly with these plans. However, when he came back a week later, nothing would change. Months after months, I started to get frustrated with Jack’s inaction despite the agreement we made. If I experienced frustration in my relationship with Jack, others would likely experience the same thing. I decided to work with my frustration, so I told Jack how I felt towards his failure to take any action. After talking about his resistance to change, he realized that his inability to say no had caused people’s frustration and disappointment, and their eventual departure from their relationships with Jack. Such departure in turn exacerbated Jack’s fear of saying no to and offending people. From this session onwards, we re-oriented our therapeutic goal to address Jack’s inability to say no at the expense of his authenticity out of his fear of abandonment. Your therapist should be able to gain insight into your relational world outside the sessions from his relationship with you.

*Not real name

A therapist who is in therapy

Therapists are human beings and hence subject to human fallacies. Therapists have their own biases, prejudices, trauma histories, and shadows. A therapist serves as a canvas for his/her clients. A client comes into therapy and projects onto the canvas life struggles, maladaptive beliefs, anxieties, etc. If the canvas is already full of colours and patterns, the client will not be able to see what has been cast on it or discern his/her projection from his/her therapist's pre-existing paint. Only a pristine canvas can reflect accurately what has been cast onto it. No therapist has a pristine canvas because we all carry with us our personal histories. However, a competent therapist would strive to become as clean as a canvas can possibly be through his/her personal therapies. For example, I had a client who would cancel our appointments at the last minute from time to time. After a while, I started to feel resentful towards her, but I did not confront her. I would observe myself not wanting to pay attention in our session almost as a way of retaliation. When I consulted this situation with my therapist, she asked why I remained silent about this issue. While trying to answer her question, I realized I was afraid of losing her as a client, not because of the financial aspect, but what she represented. She held a high position in a multinational corporation: an overachiever, a goal-getter- someone I admired. I did not want to displease her, I wanted to be seen and approved by her. When I realized how I had jeopardized her healing journey with my own agenda, I worked actively with my therapist on my approval-seeking behaviours. A couple of sessions later, I notified her of my cancellation policy which she gladly accepted, and my resentment towards her last-minute cancellation dissipated. Personal therapy is absolutely necessary for a therapist. Do not hesitate to ask your therapist whether he or she is seeing someone, too.

This list is not exhaustive. It serves as a guide. Finding a therapist for yourself is an important decision which might change your life trajectory. It is a serious decision. Therefore, do not settle for an OK or a not-too-bad therapist. Be diligent and find the RIGHT therapist for yourself!

Book in a session with me for a discussion to find out whether I am the right therapy for your journey.