By Ho Shee Wai

Director / Registered Psychologist

The Discovery

The discovery of your partner’s affair or other sexual betrayal is probably one of the biggest pains you will experience in the course of your relationship, second only to the death of your partner. Some people would describe that discovery as being worse compared to if their partner had actually died. This is a tumultuous period where your whole world, what you believe about your partner and your relationship is turned upside down. You no longer know what is real or what to trust your whole existence is threatened. It becomes difficult to be fully functional. Many would describe symptoms of what would be akin to PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder):

Re-experiencing symptoms:

• Flashbacks or intrusive thoughts

• Intense physical or emotional reactions to reminders

• Nightmares

Avoidance symptoms:

• Avoiding thinking or talking

• Avoiding people, places, activities or sensations that reminds

Negative changes in thinking and emotions:

• Feeling more down, depressed, angry or anxious

• Finding it hard or impossible to feel happy

• Feeling shameful or guilty

• Feeling distant from other people

• Losing interest in things you used to enjoy

• Being unable to remember important parts of the trauma

• Having more negative thoughts about yourself, other people and the world

Hyperarousal or emotional/physical reactivity:

• Being always on guard and/or easily startled

• Having trouble concentrating

• Being quick to anger and aggression

• Doing things that are risky (e.g., impulsive sex, binge drinking)

• Having trouble sleeping

Being lied to, manipulated, and methodologically deceived over a long period of time by a person you love and believe to be trustworthy resulted in what is called Betrayal Trauma. The initial trauma is often the discovery that you are living with a stranger that you thought you knew but really did not. The trauma is repeated as you learn the ways they have and will continue to lie and cheat. Even if the relationship ends or your partner and the relationship get into recovery, your PTSD is challenging to heal.

The Decision

Often people spent the most agonizing time on the decision. The decision whether to continue the relationship, the decision whether to forgive your partner, the decision whether to trust your partner again. There is no right or wrong answer. You can only make the best decision you can at that moment based on all the information you have at hand.

Some things to consider:

Do you know the whole truth about what happened?

Some people just want to draw a line and move on from what happened. However, even for those who chose that, they are frequently haunted by questions and doubts about what happened. For those who decide to pursue the truth, often the truth comes out in bits and pieces, always with the declaration that this is the whole truth and there’s nothing else. What this means is you’d be retraumatized over and over again.

Is your partner remorseful?

Often your partner is sorry, mainly about being caught. It is important to get the sense your partner understood what was the wrong that occur, why the behaviours are hurtful, and the pain you are going through

Are we all willing to put in the work into relationship recovery?

Your partner needs to work on why they behave the way they did, the root causes and work on changing to be a different person. The relationship needs work to recover trust and build a stronger relationship. You need to work on healing and your issues that impacted the relationship.

If you are needing support or a sounding board to walk you through this difficult decision process, it would be beneficial to speak to a trained counselling professional such as a Psychologist, Counsellor or Psychologist who will help you consider all angles of the decision. While your friends are on your side and wanting the best for you, they do have their own values and beliefs about how this situation should be handled. Whereas the psychologist, counsellor, or psychotherapist is a neutral third party.

The Healing

Reprocessing

We used the term Trauma in this article, the healing that is necessary is similar to that of other trauma whereby you’d need to reprocess what happened: the event, your thoughts, your feelings, and your bodily sensations. An efficient way to reprocess trauma is using EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing) or Brain Spotting.

Questions

There will also be many questions and it’s ok and normal to think about them. But not all questions are appropriate or can be answered by your partner. Speak to a psychologist, counsellor, or a psychotherapist to address and find a satisfactory answers to your questions.

Emotion volatility

There will also be volatility in your emotions: fear and anxiety for yourself (and your children); anger and rage towards your partner, their sexual partner, yourself, and God; grief and sadness for the loss of the relationship, life as you know it, and your partner (even if you choose the stay, they are not the same person you used to know and love); and shame (even though it’s not you who did the betrayal). It’s important to find outlet for your emotions (journaling, exercising, etc.) but it’s also important to have a break from your emotions (relaxation, mindfulness, or other distracting activities).

Sleep & Nightmare

Some people find it hard to go to sleep as the body doesn’t feel it’s safe to do so and the mind is too overwhelmed thinking of everything. Other escape into sleep and does not want to wake up to face the world or the current situation. Even if we do get to sleep, often nightmare ensues as our brain continues to work on understanding what had happened. It’s important to do self-care which includes getting sufficient sleep during this difficult period.

You don’t have to go through this process alone, book in with a psychologist, counsellor, or psychotherapist who has experience helping others who had gone those this pain.