Getting Over a Breakup
Counsellor / Career Coach
Breakups can be absolutely devastating. A breakup is mostly the end of a chapter of a relationship, whether it is short or long, it still has impact! Maybe the relationship carried some of your most cherished memories and your experienced deep emotions or maybe it was your worst relationship? I am sure you were hopeful. You invested time and effort into this relationship. The hardest part to deal with is the hidden part where a much-desired future has been lost.
Even though a breakup with this person can be good for you, the end of a romantic chapter can totally change your plans, break your heart, and leave you questioning parts of your personality and who you are. Even worse, it can leave you feeling empty or lonely.
Is this breakup better for you than you realise right now? And if not, what can you do? Healing does happen over time.
Step 1: Sit with Your Emotion
The first and best start is to sit with your emotions right after. If you feel like crying, then cry. If you feel like venting to a friend or talking to a therapist, then talk. If you are feeling guilty because you broke off the relationship or because you think you did something wrong for the break-up, then acknowledge your feeling of guilt so you have mental clarity of what has just happened. Journaling can be good for this. Maybe you feel relief? Maybe you feel happiness? Maybe you feel different? Be upset! Embrace every emotion because this will help you move forward quicker rather than not dealing with these raw emotions and letting them sit inside of you.
‘Your Happiness Hypothesis’ from behavioural scientist Silva believes the stages of a breakup are similar to the stages of grief. Here are some references around this idea:
Ambivalence: “Was breaking up the right thing to do?”
Denial and shock: “This cannot be happening!”
Anger and resentment: “How dare they do this to me?”
Bargaining and negotiation: “Things will be different this time.”
Depression and sadness: “No one will ever love me.”
Acceptance and healing: “The relationship ran its course and it's over now. I'll be OK.”
Growth and moving on: “I’ve moved on. I'm happy for them, wherever they are.”
(From Heartbreak to Healing: Navigating the 7 Stages of a Breakup (verywellmind.com)
The stages of grief that follow any trauma, break ups included, can happen over the course of minutes, seconds, days, months, or years, and then turn around without warning, leaving you feeling confused. Even though your life has now unexpectedly changed, this loss may mean continuing your life and finding new ways to compensate for its loss.
Step 2: Relationship audit
Once you feel your emotions for acceptance, then one can work on understanding the act of the breakup and the reason by doing an audit on the relationship and what led up to the breakup. This is important to do so you can be more prepared for your next relationship on your boundaries and expectations. More importantly, this will help you find a great new partner. Working with a therapist can help with this to give you a stronger platform for a healthier future relationship.
Step 3: Give Space
Keep your distance from your ex. Strategically give yourself and your ex some space from one another. This can look different for you depending on your situation, but it might involve changing your routines to avoid running into them, unfollowing them on social media, and removing their contact info from your phone.
Even if you both know you want to maintain a friendship, a little space for some time will not hurt. Taking a break from texting and waiting at least one to three months is recommended. This gives you time to focus on yourself. It can also help you avoid falling into a harmful pattern of offering emotional support to your ex-partner and prolonging the break-up. It is also good to respect your ex-partner’s needs. If you want to stay friends but your ex has said to you that they do not want to stay friends, it is best to respect that boundary and give time. It might be hard but do not text, call, or ask your friends to call and check. Things may change in the long-term future where there may be a chance of friendship. On the flip side, if your ex-partner contacts you, do not feel the need to talk or respond. If you do take the call, explain it is best for some space to deal with difficult emotions and agree on a no contact period.
Step 4: “Me Time”
Once your boundaries are in order, it is time for YOU time. After your partner leaves your place or you leave their place or a shared place, it is best to reset because your home may feel different without your ex-partner. You may have the option to move to a new home so pack up and leave the painful memories there. However, that is not always practical financially or there may be greater priorities at stake with children, pets, parents or other responsibilities to take care of. Instead, focus on new surroundings by refreshing your place. Consider new furniture or change the furniture around and revamp some items. You could even box up the memories with mementos or you could even donate shared items.
Step 5: Seeking Support
Look for support from trusted friends and family, especially those who have been through something similar. It can help reduce the time you spend alone, feeling miserable. Instead, you will be around others who can offer advice.
In addition to your social support, this is also the time to seek professional support from a Psychologist, Counsellor, or Psychotherapist who can help you navigate this challenging phase of life.
Step 6: What’s new
Reframing the situation to focus on what you learned from the relationship and how much better off you will be in the future can help. Prioritise self-care by doing daily activities that bring you joy like seeing friends, having new experiences, spending time doing hobbies you love, doing an activity on your bucket list that was put on hold, exercise, cook, meditate, listen to music, make art, journal, talk to a therapist or another support person. It is now time to rediscover a new life. The free time you have now is important to be used for YOU so you now have a stronger sense of joy. You never know what and who is around the corner.
At The Counselling Place, our team of psychologists, counsellors, and psychotherapists can help guide you through each stages for you to come out to the other side. Book in a session today!