By Ho Shee Wai

Director / Registered Psychologist

It is normal as couple to find yourself in conflicts. Successful resolution of the relationship conflict leads to a better understanding of each other and yourself, strengthens the relationship and bond. What do you do then when you find yourself as a couple in an impasse, likely over the same issues?

An impasse is a situation in which progress is impossible, especially because the people involved cannot agree. As human, each of us have our area of vulnerability which when triggered it automatically led to a defensive survival response. These areas of vulnerability are likely to be related to some childhood experiences when you were growing up. When you get into an impasse as a couple, it is very likely that one (or usually both) your vulnerability areas are being triggered.

Case example

Jane* has a vulnerability in the area of “Fear of Failure”. Because she has been a stay-at-home mom for a few years, she has doubts regarding her ability to be relevant in the workforce. Therefore, she procrastinated finding a job in order not to be confronted with the potential failure. Her husband, John*, has a vulnerability in the area of “Dependency”. He has seen his mom’s depression being a burden to his father when he was growing up. Therefore, he kept pushing Jane to find a job. The couple often gets into the vicious cycle where John started pushing Jane to find a job, the more he pushed, the more Jane felt bad about herself as it reminded her of her father’s constant criticism of her, and the more she resisted and procrastinated; The more Jane resisted and procrastinated, the more John felt panicky that they will have his parents’ dynamics where his mom was totally dependent on his father, the more he pushed. Both becomes angry and resentful towards the other, both feeling the other person is not being supportive as a partner.

With counselling, after their therapist explored and discovered their areas of vulnerability, core beliefs and survival actions, the couple was better able to understand where the other person in coming from, to address the other person’s vulnerability and come to a solution that gets them out of the impasse. For example, John was helped to see that while Jane may have suffered from Postnatal depression after giving birth and therefore had displayed some of the similar behaviours like his mother, she has since recovered and regained her functionality in contributing to home and child care. Jane was guided to see that John actually admires her and believes in her capability which is why he was baffled and frustrated when she was having self-doubts about her ability to be work.

*Not their real name

Mapping out Vulnerability Cycle

How can you map out your own vulnerability cycle as a couple like Jane and John? Let’s take the below steps and see if it gets you out of your vulnerability cycle.

Step 1:

Reflect on a recent conflict you had with someone who is important to you. Start with just the facts of what happened.

Step 2:

Now reflect on what was happening inside of you. During this conflict, what were the thoughts you were having about yourself, the other person, and the situation? During this conflict, what were the feelings you were having toward yourself, toward the other person, and toward the situation?

Step 3:

Now try to ask yourself the same questions from the other person’s perspective. Ask them if you can or do your best to imagine their responses.

Step 4:

Identify Core Beliefs, Vulnerabilities, and Survival Strategies for each of you.

Core Beliefs

Core beliefs are your Cognition or Thoughts. It’s your way of organizing schema, your motto, or some guiding phrases.

For example, “Kill or be killed”; “women can’t be trusted”; “all men lie”; “put others ahead of yourself”; “never let them see you sweat”, etc.

Vulnerabilities

Vulnerabilities are your Emotion or Feelings. It’s your Achilles heel, tender spot, emotional allergy, the feeling you avoid at all costs.

For example, “Fear of disappointing someone”; “fear of feeling inadequate”; fear that “I am not worthy;” fear that “I am broken/damaged/defective/unlovable;” fear of appearing weak; fear of being out of control; fear of being humiliated or abandoned.

Survival Strategies

Survival Strategies are your Behaviours or Actions to deal with feeling vulnerable. It’s the way you begin to act

when your vulnerability is activated, what you do when you go from equanimous to triggered.

For example,

Volume up: Blame, criticize, yell, stomp

Volume down: Withdraw, retreat, go silent, walk away, hide, stop responding

Step 5:

Describe the mutual activation process. Keep in mind:

• It doesn’t matter where the cycle begins.

• Use cycle-based language: “the more you… the more I… and the more I… the more you…”

Step 6:

Do some narrative revision. How might this have gone if each of you had

spoken from your vulnerability? Try one of these:

• “When you X in situation Y, I feel Z”

• “When this situation happens, the story I begin to tell myself is…”

• What I saw or heard / What I made about it / How I felt about it / What I’d like

See how you go with this exercise. Of course, this is not an easy exercise and is best practiced with the guidance of a mental health professional like a psychologist, counsellor, psychotherapist, or a relationship therapist. You are not alone. Book in now for support to get you out of your conflict escalation cycle and into relationship growth and bonding with one of our professional expert psychologist, counsellor, psychotherapist, or sex therapist today!