By Ho Shee Wai

Director / Registered Psychologist

Recently I’ve attended a webinar by Matthias Barker & Jimmy Knowles on the same title. It inspired me to try to summarize the key points for those who did not attend.

Is Conflict Necessary?

We can’t run away from conflict in our romantic relationship. Having conflict does not determine the status of your relationship but how you handle conflicts in your relationship can make or break your relationship. In 1992, Dr. John Gottman conducted a study of couples in which he was able to predict which ones would eventually divorce with 94% accuracy. How the couple manage conflict is one of the important predictors.

For intimacy and connection in relationship, we need to be vulnerable. When we are vulnerable, we show ourselves to our partner who may or may not be similar to us, which lead to conflicts. Therefore, conflict is necessary for us to get to intimacy and connection.

Most critical step in managing relationship conflict

Dr Gottman stated that all fight that has gone wrong stem from us dismissing our partner’s negative emotion. The dismissal of our partner’s negative emotion leads to distance and disconnection in our relationship. Relationship therapist, Sue Johnson, stated that marriage fail not because of increase conflict but decrease in affection and emotional responsiveness. Underneath every fight is the question of “Can I trust you?” and it’s important to get to the “Yes” response.

When faced with conflict, we often freeze or become frustrated that we don’t know what to say. However, the critical 1st step in resolving conflict is

Listening & validation

What we frequently do during conflict is hearing the other person’s words but not emotionally listening nor emotionally resonating with where the other person is coming. What is required as a first step is for us to emotionally try to connect and feel what our partner are feeling. It’s about having faith that if we could feel what our partner is feeling, it would all make sense.

Foundation of empathy, curiosity, & mutual respect

To be able to listen and validate, we need to have the foundation of empathy, curiosity, and respect.

Empathy

Empathy is the willing to feel your partner’s point of view, not only just see your partner’s point of view.

Curiosity

Having curiosity about your partner’s perspective is giving your partner the message that “You are worth understanding”.

Respect

Respect for your partner is defined by treating your partner as how you would like to be treated.

A quote in the webinar is:

Reflecting before you react

Being vulnerable instead of critical

Being curious instead of being dismissing

The quote from Julie Menanno states that:

Every time snap, defend, shut down, push away, get cynical, sarcastic, use passive-aggressive humour, or call names, it’s a misguided attempt to say “Hear me! Feel some of my pain so that you know how much this hurts! I need to feel safe right now”

Our conflict with our partner is often our misguided attempt to connect with our partner, just want our partner to move towards our direction and see us. Criticism and blame act like a shield, protecting us, but what they really do is prevent real connection and decrease the odds of us feeling heard and understood.

How to bring things up

OK, we buy into the idea of needing conflict. But how do we have conflict constructive?

Here’s a formula:

“When this happened… I felt… the story I’m telling myself is … “

The first part of the statement is for us to describe the current issue specifically. This is not the time to bring up the past or any other “related” issues.

The second part of the statement is for us to share what we are feeling, to be vulnerable. However, not everyone is able to be in touch with what they are feeling. Common feelings during conflict are lonely, hurt, frustrated, disconnected, anxious, scared, rejected, overwhelmed, judged, etc.

The third part of the statement is for us to own our issues in the conflict, what meaning you are giving to an action of your partner.

An Example would be “When you don’t answer my phone call, I felt scared and worried. The story I’m telling myself is that you have gone out partying with your friends again and lied to me that you are working.”

3 tools to move from Conflict to Connection

Here are 3 simple tools for us to move from conflict to connection. If you are the one complaining, it would be helpful if you can teach this 3 tools to your partner (prior, not while you are having the conflict).

Tool 1: “I don’t want you to feel this way”

Just saying this helps to defuse most of the negative emotion of your partner.

Tool 2: Look for the hurt under the frustration … and respond to that

It is important to note that Anger is a secondary emotion. There are other feelings underneath that like sadness, shame, or fear. When your partner is complaining, it is important to look for the unmet needs under the complaint. When couple fights, often they are fighting for closeness, respect, equality, safety, independence, appreciation, etc. Therefore, it is important to figure out what is your partner fighting for more of in this situation.

Tool 3: “that makes sense”

I have faith that what you are experiencing / feeling make sense to you

Invalidating vs Validating phrases

In addition to the 3 tools, here’s a list of what to (or not to) say.

Invalidating phrases (what not to say)

“You’re so sensitive”

“Stop being so dramatic”

“You’re making a big deal out of nothing”

“You’re just being negative”

“This is just the way I am”

“I was just kidding”

Validating phrases (what to say instead)

“Thank you for telling me”

“It makes sense why you felt that”

“So when this happen, you felt this. Did I get it right?”

“I would have felt the same way”

“I’m not sure what to say but I do want you to know I care”

Repair & Reconnection

Finally, we don’t always say the right thing or the perfect words. We don’t always have the presence of mind or in the right state. What we can do when we see the conflict escalating is perhaps to

Take a Pause

“Let’s slow down for a second, it wasn’t my intent for you to feel blamed or attacked. What did you just hear me say?”

Mutual accountability

The focus is not just their reaction to you but your reaction to them.

Can Counselling help?

While we’ve given you the tools to move towards connecting during your conflict with your partner, we know it takes 2 to do the dance of conflict. Counselling with a psychologist, counsellor, or relationship therapist can help you practice the tools better and also help facilitate your partner in also learning to use the same tools. Why not book a session with our trained professional team of psychologist, counsellor, or sex therapist today!